MONDAY, FEBRUARY 5

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 6
In addition to possibly bringing about nuclear annihilation, Donald Trump is also very, very racist. Or is he? This week, Donald Trump Jr. defended his daddy, insisting Trump couldnât be very, very racist... because he used to hang out with âall the rappersâ! âItâs been terrible to watch, because I know him, Iâve seen him my whole life, Iâve seen the things heâs done,â whimpered Trump Jr., who is sad that bullies are being so mean to his dad. âItâs amazing, all the rappers... all his African American friends, from Jesse Jackson to Al Sharpton, I have pictures with them,â Donny whined to right-wing cesspool the Daily Caller. âIt was only when he got into politics that all of a sudden, âOh, heâs the most terrible human being ever.ââ Actually, dipshit, weâre pretty sure your very, very racist father was also the most terrible human being ever before he accidentally became president? But just to be sure, letâs ask all the rappers.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 7
And so, in the continuing saga of âMen! Whatâs their fucking problem?â we return to Quentin Tarantino. (Heavy sigh.) Last week, Uma Thurman alleged that on the set of Kill Bill, Tarantino coerced her into driving an unsafe car and creepily volunteered to be the off-camera person who choked her character and spit in her face. (And yes, we did throw up a little bit in our mouth while typing that.) While Thurman says her relationship with Tarantino is fineâshe blames the filmâs producers, including Harvey Weinstein, for trying to cover up the car accidentâthe directorâs not out of the woods. This week, audio surfaced of Tarantino on Howard Stern in 2003âwhere he defended child rapist Roman Polanski, claiming the directorâs 13-year-old victim âwas down with this,â that statutory rape âisnât rape,â and also, âby the way, weâre talking about Americaâs morals, not talking about the morals in Europe and everything.â (Ah! In that case, Quentin, never mind!) While we wait for Tarantinoâs inevitable performative public apology (though weâll have to see if he also apologizes for his other problematic behaviors, like the fact that he likes to use the n-word waaay more than any white person should), weâll ask again: Men! Whatâs their fucking problem?
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 8
Now itâs time for âMen: Whatâs Their Fucking Problem? White House Edition!â This week, not one but TWO men in Trumpâs administration, Staff Secretary Rob Porter and speechwriter David Sorenson, resigned following allegations and evidence of domestic abuse against their ex-wives. But wait, thereâs more: Porter never even received a security clearanceâeven though he handles highly classified material, and the FBI warned the administration of the abuse charges and his obvious susceptibility to blackmail. Chief of Staff John Kelly (whose only job is to bring stability to the White House, and heâs clearly fucked that up) ignored the FBIâs warnings and even defended Porter with a public hum job calling the accused wife beater âa man of integrity and honor.â (FUN FACT: This grotesque statement was co-written by White House communications director Hope Hicksâwhoâs reportedly in a romantic relationship with Porter AND OMIGOD WEâRE LIVING IN AN EPISODE OF DYNASTY!) So Porter and Sorenson are out the door they never shouldâve been allowed to enter in the first place... and how does our Assaulter-in-Chief respond? By strongly speaking out against domestic abuse, of course. HAHAHAHAAAA JK. âPeopleâs lives are being shattered and destroyed by a mere allegation,â Trump tweeted, even after seeing police reports, restraining orders, and photographs of Porterâs alleged abuses. But, sure... menâs lives are being âshattered and destroyed.â Especially if youâre a president accused by 20 women of sexual harassment and/or assault but canât be prosecuted, thanks to protection from a corrupt, Republican-controlled House and Senate. (Ugh! This is the worst episode of Dynasty ever!)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9
Today in âThe media shall be saved by badass women reportersâ: Homophobic ghoul/Vice President Mike Pence has been in South Korea to cheer on our Winter Olympic athletesâor at least the ones that arenât gay. And while itâs an open secret that Pence is purposefully kept in the dark by his White House cohorts, it took fearless Washington Post reporter Ashley Parker to rub this sad fact in his stupid smirking face. After responding that heâd just found out âthis morningâ about Rob Porterâs domestic abuse allegations, and only after hearing about it on âthe newsâ(!!), Parker followed up with a verrrry pointed question. âThis is now a number of times when you found outâyouâre the Vice President, youâre the number two in the administrationâabout something very late [even] after a number of other senior staff below you have found out about it,â Parker said. âCan you comment on why you often seem a little bit out of the loop on some of this major news?â Oh shit yesssssssss. Congratulations to reporter Ashley Parker, on becoming our current nominee for the One Day at a Time Pulitzer Prize (for throwing shade).
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 10
Earlier this week we mentioned that itty-bitty, inconsequential nuclear destruction thingy. And yes, itâs worrisome! Thatâs why weâll take our comfort wherever we can get itâeven when itâs from former Apprentice contestant/Trump cohort Omarosa. After being removed (some say dragged) from her high-profile White House job, she gained immediate employment on another reality show, Celebrity Big Brother. When asked by fellow contestant Ross Matthews about her time with Trump, Omarosa replied, âI was haunted by tweets every single day, like what is he going to say next?â Later she confessed that she tried to emotionally distance herself from the White House turmoil, but couldnât, âbecause itâs bad.â Fearing the lasting effects Trumpâs actions could have on America, Matthews asked her, âI need you to say, âitâs going to be okay.â âNo, itâs not going to be okay,â Omarosa tearfully replied. âItâs not.â (Yes, we realize those are not technically comforting words. But donât forget! Trump is liar, and so is everyone around himâwhich means everything actually will be okay! Right? Right?)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 11
And finally, letâs end the week on a high note, shall we? As we reported last week, the SPICE GIRLS ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER EEEEEEEEEEEE! However, as we also reported, they wonât be doing any singing BOOOOOOOOO! However again, TMZ is now reporting that our reporting was wrong, and they will not only be singing, but kicking off a world concert tour in 2018 EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Now that is the way to end a pretty terrible week, and... wait. THIS JUST IN: âIâm not going on tour, the girls arenât going on tour,â Victoria âPosh/Party Pooper Spiceâ Beckham told Vogue today, reconfirming what we were told last week, that the Spice Girls would only be reuniting to âcollaborate on a series of projectsâ that unfortunately wonât include singing. But there is an upside: If youâre reading this, you havenât yet been burned alive in a Trump-induced nuclear holocaust! Hooray! (Told ya weâd end on a high note!)