MARLOWE DOBBE

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12

BOMBS AWAY
ALEX WONG /
GETTY IMAGES

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears! We have some good news and some bad news. The good news? No matter how terrible you are with money, somebody else is even worse with it—and they’re about to make you feel like a financial genius! The bad news: That person is Donald Trump, the bumbling fuckwit who declared bankruptcy six times, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, and has the lowest approval rating of any president in the history of modern polling. (But hey, who’s counting?) This week, Trump proposed a new budget—and while it has zero chance of going into effect in its current form, it’s also a horrifying glimpse into the short-sightedness of the current administration. The proposal includes cuts to the FBI and Head Start, along with a seven percent cut to Medicare, a 23 percent cut to Medicaid and Obamacare, a 34 percent cut to the EPA, a 27 percent cut to the State Department, and a 22 percent cut to the Army Corps of Engineers. Other vital institutions that would see their budgets slashed or eliminated include NASA, the National Science Foundation, the National Institutes of Health, and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, while CNBC notes plans to cut funding for SNAP by 27 percent—partly by “replacing a portion of the federal food stamp program with actual boxes of food delivered to recipients’ front doors, putting the US government directly in charge of what goes on the dinner plates of more than 16 million low-income households.” But don’t worry! Not every part of the federal government would be systematically dismantled! Trump’s very willing, for example, to give our tax dollars to the military, with Vox highlighting his plan for “a $777 billion boost to defense spending.” After all, who needs law enforcement, the social safety net, health care, diplomats, infrastructure, science, news, or food when you can just bomb the hell out of anyone in your way?


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Oooooo-kay. So we realize that starting this week’s One Day with what basically amounts to an accountant’s spreadsheet probably wasn’t the sexiest way to kick things off! But! Speaking of sex, and speaking of Trump (euuughhh! sorry!), turns out Trump might have a bigger problem than his idiotic budget! “Stormy Daniels has suddenly changed her position and is ready to spill all the tea regarding her alleged affair with Donald Trump,” the Blast reports! Following Trump attorney Michael Cohen’s claim that it was he—and not Trump—who paid off Daniels to keep her quiet, Daniels and her legal team believe “Cohen’s admission is a breach of their contract, and that she is now excused from ‘further performance of the non-disclosure agreement’ between the two parties.” So... what’s that mean in non-lawyer? “Everything is off now, and Stormy is going to tell her story,” promises her manager, Gina Rodriguez (not the actress)! YESSSS. Forget Fire and Fury—if we’re gonna read one trashy Trump tell-all, it’s gonna be Stormy’s!


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14

“A heavily armed young man barged into his former high school about an hour northwest of Miami on Wednesday, opening fire on terrified students and teachers and leaving a death toll of 17 that could rise even higher,” reports the New York Times. The NYT notes that since the Sandy Hook school shooting in 2012—in which a shooter massacred 20 kindergarten-age children and six staff members, and which, incredibly, led to no meaningful gun control legislation whatsoever—there have been no fewer than “239 school shootings nationwide. In those episodes, 438 people were shot, 138 of whom were killed.” Those numbers are catastrophic... and numbing. At this point, Americans are as comfortable with mass shootings—even mass shootings of children, and perhaps especially mass shootings of children—as they are any other national tradition. “Here’s the truth: The teenagers killed in Florida yesterday had the misfortune of growing up—of trying to grow up—in a country that didn’t care enough about their lives,” wrote David Leonhardt in the NYT. “May we honor them with anger that does not cease until the unnecessary deaths of children do.” Yet again—again, and again, and again—it’s time for us to do something about it. We can start at everytown.org. “We’re children,” 17-year-old David Hogg, who survived today’s shooting, told CNN. “You guys are the adults.”


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15

“I don’t think we need them anymore,” said Florida high school senior (and shooting survivor) Emma Gonzalez to Face the Nation, about Republicans who have refused to do anything about gun control. “Because they are going to be gone by the midterm election.” Leave it to the youth to recognize the blatant corruption and hypocrisy of their elders and start a national movement to stop the cowardly gun nuts. Emma and other Florida students are organizing a “March for Our Lives” national rally on March 24 in Washington, DC, and other major cities to force legislators to do something to curb gun violence. So what can grownups do to help? As Emma pointed out, we have to vote gun-happy Republicans out of office. Got a little extra scrilla? Throw some money toward Democrats Gina Ortiz Jones or Jay Hulings, who are both GREAT and running against garbage Republican Will Hurd in Texas’ 23rd Congressional District this November. Or how about sticking it to Paul “Smug Asshole” Ryan by donating to his opponent, Randy “Iron Stache” Bryce? And there are loads of other candidates you can support (check them out at swingleft.org), and you should—because we adults have slept on this issue for too long, and our kids shouldn’t have to do all the work.


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16

BOOYAH!
ALEX WONG /
GETTY IMAGES

So today special counsel Robert Mueller was all like (and okay, we’re paraphrasing), “Oh, hi guys. Remember when Trump tried to convince you that the Russians weren’t meddling in our democratic process? Yeah, I’m just going to leave this indictment of 13 Russians who worked to upend the 2016 election and support the Trump campaign right here. BOOYAH!” (At least we like to imagine Mueller yelling “BOOYAH.”) According to the 37-page indictment, the Russians stole American identities and posed as political activists on social media (such as our mortal enemy, Facebook) to sow discontent and dupe “unwitting individuals associated with the Trump campaign.” Another priority was to “communicate derogatory information about Hillary Clinton,” and support “then-candidate Donald Trump” and Bernie Sanders. (We knew that bird on the podium looked suspicious!) Anyway, we’re sure President Trump will thoughtfully consider this information and respond in a very mature and presidential manner. (Hee-heee-heeeeee....)


SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 17

Ha-ha-haaaaaa... Trump is fah-reaking OUT! “I never said Russia did not meddle in the election,” Trump said in a series of panic-filled tweets. “I said ‘it may be Russia, or China or another country or group, or it may be a 400 pound genius sitting in bed and playing with his computer.’” True, he said this—he also said on numerous occasions that the Russian plot was a fake scheme dreamed up by Democrats. “The results of the 2016 election were not impacted,” Trump later tweet-shrieked. “The Trump campaign did nothing wrong—no collusion!” Ummm... it’s a little late to say the Trump campaign was innocent when four of his cronies have been charged by Mueller (17, if you include the 13 Russians)... and more are surely on the way. But by all means, President Fucknut McCheeto! Keep laying down your lying tweet turds, because you know as well as the rest of us that the noose is tightening... and Mueller is coming... for YOU. (Cackling and lightning flashes courtesy of the One Day at a Time drama department.)


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18

WAKANDA 4-EVAH!

Today in “Representation Matters”: Black Panther! Black Panther! Blaaaaaaack Paaaaaaaanther! From the New York Times: “[Blaaaaaaack Paaaaaaaanther!!] roared into theaters over the weekend as a full-blown cultural event, breaking box office records and shattering a myth about the overseas viability of movies rooted in Black culture. Global ticket sales by Monday will total an estimated $387 million, according to comScore.” If you’re a numbers person, that means Black Panther has delivered the fifth-highest opening weekend ever, the biggest opening ever for a Black director (Ryan Coogler) and a female cinematographer (Rachel Morrison), the biggest February movie ever, and best of all? It’s SOOOO GOOOD. Black Panther is beloved and deserves that money because it offers a positive representation of women and African culture, and that means so very much right now. However, do not be the sole white person in the theater occasionally screaming “Blaaaaaack Paaaaaaaanther!” As the manager sternly informed us, “Ma’am, we’re excited that you’re excited—but no one needs to hear that.”