MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19

Jayne Kamin-Oncea / getty images
So... the Olympics are still happening? Apparently? This time, theyâre taking place in half-empty South Korean stadiums, facing a massive decline in television viewers, and... uh... yeah. Thatâs about it! (Not for nothing, dears, but the New York Times headline âU.S. Curling Team, Once Called âRejects,â Beats Canada to Advance to Finalâ is not the most exciting thing weâve ever read.) Anyway, whutevs, because the real sports news comes courtesy of Fergieâwho brutally butchered the national anthem at yesterdayâs NBA All-Star Game, reworking the song into what People charitably called a âsultryâ number with a âjazzyâ beat! Eughh. âIt actually didnât sound so bad at first,â one shell-shocked victim of the performance told People while recovering in a FEMA tent. âEveryone was just trying to figure out what was going on. Like, was she about to break out into a different song? Then she started doing all those ranges and it just went downhill.â While Fergieâs vocal hate-crime wasnât her most embarrassing moment (thatâd be back in 2005, when she peed her pants onstage, #neverforget), it was enough to warrantâyou guessed it!âan awkward public apology. âI wanted to try something special for the NBA,â Fergie awkwardly publicly apologized. âIâm a risk-taker artistically, but clearly this rendition didnât strike the intended tone. I love this country and honestly tried my best.â Fergie, we speak for the traumatized souls in attendance, the NBA, and the entirety of America when we say: Please stop taking risks. Itâs nice you âtried your best,â but there are no participation trophies for warbling a song so horrifically that it will haunt our nightmares for eternity. (Actually, waitâmaybe Fergieâs national anthem is perfect for America in 2018.)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20
âMAKE DATING GREAT AGAIN!â reads âTrump datingâ site Trump.dating. âFIND YOUR PRO-TRUMP MATCH TODAY.â (Again: Eughh.) Promising users theyâll âFind the America first partner of your dreams,â the site explains, âWe believe that by matching patriotic and political viewpoints as a base foundation of the relationship, it will allow one to focus on what really mattersâconversation, commonalities, and if all goes well, courting.â (Did they really just say âcourtingâ? Courting?? Adorable!) Good luck finding love, lonely Trump votersâand if this is where youâre getting dates? Youâll find exactly the partner you deserve! THIS JUST IN... âA North Carolina man with a felony conviction for indecent liberties with a child was one-half of the poster couple for a new âTrump Datingâ website,â reports CBS News, writing that Trump.datingâs first visitors were âgreeted with the faces of Jodi and William Barrett Riddleberger, conservative activists involved in the Tea Party-inspired political action committee, Conservatives for Guilford County.â And... uh.... âState records show Riddleberger was convicted in 1995 on the charge stemming from filming sex with a 15-year-old girl,â CBS continues. âHe was then 25.â Well? What are you waiting for, Trump fans? An exciting future of courting and child molestation awaits!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21
âStudent survivors of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas high school shooting confronted Floridaâs lawmakers on Wednesday to demand gun control reforms, as thousands of teenagers walked out of lessons in solidarity at schools across the state,â reports the Guardian. âAbout 100 students from the Parkland school traveled 450 miles to the state capital of Tallahassee to spend the morning meeting with Republican and Democratic party legislators.â Thatâs not all: âAlso in Tallahassee on Wednesday,â the Guardian adds, âa sizeable anti-gun rally was taking place on the steps of the cityâs capitol building, organized by a coalition of activist groups and supported by students from local schools, who were excused from lessons to attend.â In other words, following tragedyâand weâre not just talking about the Parkland shooting, but the decades of shootings and political inaction that led to themâitâs the goddamn kids who are going to fix things. On one hand, itâs heartbreaking to realize Americaâs adults have fucked up so completely that the countryâs children have had to step up. On the other hand? Seeing these students step up is nothing short of inspiring. Keep it up, kids. Weâve got your back.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22
Speaking of teenagers saving the universe, did you watch last nightâs CNN Town Hall featuring the Parkland survivors vs. Florida Sen. Marco Rubio and NRA Spokesdemon Dana Loesch? As Grandpa Romano used to say, âHoooooly sheeeeeeeit!â These incredibly composed teens calmly took Rubio and Loeschâs evasive stock answers, and blew them like glitter right back in their hypocritical faces. âSenator Rubio,â asked Douglas Stoneman High junior Cameron Kasky, âcan you tell me right now that you will not accept a single donation from the NRA in the future?â After a brief delay in which Rubio watched his dreams for future employment evaporate into the ether, he nervously responded. âPeople buy into my agenda,â he croaked. âAnd I do support the Second Amendment.â Rubio was immediately buried alive in a deafening chorus of boos, and as of press time, rescuers are still attempting to dig him out. Our thoughts and prayers are with him. MEANWHILE... Fox News host/dullard Todd Starnes, alarmed that one of his NRA puppet brethren was under attackâby a TEENAGER no lessârushed to Rubioâs defense on Twitter. âParents,â he asked, âwhat would you do if your child lectured and ridiculed a US Senator on national television?â Turns out, parents had a LOT of suggestions! âCheesecake Factory at the minimum,â tweeted @desusnice. âSorry, I canât remember... did you want an Xbox or an Nintendo Switch?â @jpbrammer responded. And from @ChaseMit, âThis is literally the first thing thatâs ever made me consider becoming a parent.â Us too, Chase! In fact, our ovaries are currently making a very distressing âknockingâ sound. (Ann, drink a martini, you beautiful fool! Quick!)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23
Oh, but the Twitter dunking doesnât stop there! Shaming gun nuts on social media became an unofficial Winter Olympic sport this week, and here are the gold, silver, and bronze medalists. First up, on-and-off Portlander and screenwriter/TV producer Paul Guyot captured the bronze with a tweet about a certain NRA spokesdemon. âDana Loesch came to me 10yrs ago pitching a sitcom starring herself: âA hot young mom who does far right radio showâ,â Guyot wrote. âSaid her age & looks would make 1 side hate her & 1 love her so everyone would watch. Was obsessed w the potential fame & money. I turned her down.â Dana, dear? Youâve been DUNKED ON! And both silver and gold medals go to Stoneman Douglas student Sarah Chadwick for these masterful tweets: âWe should change the names of AR-15s to âMarco Rubioâ because they are so easy to buy.â DUNK! And when conservative goblin Laura Ingraham tried to scold Sarah for the Rubio tweet by writing, âHOW TEENS SPEAK TO AND ABT ADULTSâ and referring to her as âStoneman Douglas sophomore Sarah Chadwick,â the teenager quickly and simply reminded her, âIâm a junior.â And with that sparkly alley-oop DUNK, Sarah reminded all adults that social media is a young personâs worldâweâre just there to visit... and get DUNKED ON!
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24
Remember the mid-â00s, when One Day would spend a gas tanker full of ink every week on Kevin Federline and his sad bride Britney Spears? Well, like a ghost rising from a pile of Ed Hardy shirts, Kevin has returned! According to the Blast, Kevinâs lawyer wants to revisit the pairâs 2008 child custody agreement which still gives Federline $20,000 per month (!!) for partially raising their two children. Now that Brit-Britâs head-shaving, umbrella-bashing days (#neverforget) are long past, and she graduated to a Las Vegas residency netting her a cool $15 million a year, itâs not surprising that Kevin is not only back, but wants MOARRRRR. However, in his defense, Britney, itâs not 2008 anymore! And it costs a lot of money to take kids to Fuddruckers, and buy them âJuicyâ sweatpants, velour fedoras, and multiple copies of Kevinâs 2006 single, âPopoZĂŁoâ! Also, the trailer park called, and heâs a little behind on rent.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25

Jayne Kamin-Oncea / getty images
Just so you know, Ivanka Trumpâa model and fashion accessories designer with zero foreign policy experienceâwas sent to South Korea today to meet with President Moon Sae-in and brief him on economic sanctions against North Korea. IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY... According to the Blast, reviled pop star Justin Bieber may be starting his own fashion line called âThe House of Drewâ (Drew is JBâs middle name) which will undoubtedly feature droopy-ass pants and an assortment of hockey jerseys. CONFIDENTIAL TO PRESIDENT TRUMP (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes and has the lowest approval rating of any president in the history of modern polling): Sure, Justin isnât a blood relative, and doesnât have a permanent security clearanceâbut neither does Ivanka! And when it comes to fashion, heâs at least as talented as your daughter. So make him a special envoy to Syria! CâMON! Heâs perfect! He peed in a restaurant mop bucket, for Chrissakes! #neverforget