Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19

FERGI-TROCIOUS
Jayne Kamin-Oncea / getty images

So... the Olympics are still happening? Apparently? This time, they’re taking place in half-empty South Korean stadiums, facing a massive decline in television viewers, and... uh... yeah. That’s about it! (Not for nothing, dears, but the New York Times headline “U.S. Curling Team, Once Called ‘Rejects,’ Beats Canada to Advance to Final” is not the most exciting thing we’ve ever read.) Anyway, whutevs, because the real sports news comes courtesy of Fergie—who brutally butchered the national anthem at yesterday’s NBA All-Star Game, reworking the song into what People charitably called a “sultry” number with a “jazzy” beat! Eughh. “It actually didn’t sound so bad at first,” one shell-shocked victim of the performance told People while recovering in a FEMA tent. “Everyone was just trying to figure out what was going on. Like, was she about to break out into a different song? Then she started doing all those ranges and it just went downhill.” While Fergie’s vocal hate-crime wasn’t her most embarrassing moment (that’d be back in 2005, when she peed her pants onstage, #neverforget), it was enough to warrant—you guessed it!—an awkward public apology. “I wanted to try something special for the NBA,” Fergie awkwardly publicly apologized. “I’m a risk-taker artistically, but clearly this rendition didn’t strike the intended tone. I love this country and honestly tried my best.” Fergie, we speak for the traumatized souls in attendance, the NBA, and the entirety of America when we say: Please stop taking risks. It’s nice you “tried your best,” but there are no participation trophies for warbling a song so horrifically that it will haunt our nightmares for eternity. (Actually, wait—maybe Fergie’s national anthem is perfect for America in 2018.)


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20

MAKE DATING GREAT AGAIN!” reads “Trump dating” site Trump.dating. “FIND YOUR PRO-TRUMP MATCH TODAY.” (Again: Eughh.) Promising users they’ll “Find the America first partner of your dreams,” the site explains, “We believe that by matching patriotic and political viewpoints as a base foundation of the relationship, it will allow one to focus on what really matters—conversation, commonalities, and if all goes well, courting.” (Did they really just say “courting”? Courting?? Adorable!) Good luck finding love, lonely Trump voters—and if this is where you’re getting dates? You’ll find exactly the partner you deserve! THIS JUST IN... “A North Carolina man with a felony conviction for indecent liberties with a child was one-half of the poster couple for a new ‘Trump Dating’ website,” reports CBS News, writing that Trump.dating’s first visitors were “greeted with the faces of Jodi and William Barrett Riddleberger, conservative activists involved in the Tea Party-inspired political action committee, Conservatives for Guilford County.” And... uh.... “State records show Riddleberger was convicted in 1995 on the charge stemming from filming sex with a 15-year-old girl,” CBS continues. “He was then 25.” Well? What are you waiting for, Trump fans? An exciting future of courting and child molestation awaits!


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21

Student survivors of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas high school shooting confronted Florida’s lawmakers on Wednesday to demand gun control reforms, as thousands of teenagers walked out of lessons in solidarity at schools across the state,” reports the Guardian. “About 100 students from the Parkland school traveled 450 miles to the state capital of Tallahassee to spend the morning meeting with Republican and Democratic party legislators.” That’s not all: “Also in Tallahassee on Wednesday,” the Guardian adds, “a sizeable anti-gun rally was taking place on the steps of the city’s capitol building, organized by a coalition of activist groups and supported by students from local schools, who were excused from lessons to attend.” In other words, following tragedy—and we’re not just talking about the Parkland shooting, but the decades of shootings and political inaction that led to them—it’s the goddamn kids who are going to fix things. On one hand, it’s heartbreaking to realize America’s adults have fucked up so completely that the country’s children have had to step up. On the other hand? Seeing these students step up is nothing short of inspiring. Keep it up, kids. We’ve got your back.


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22

Speaking of teenagers saving the universe, did you watch last night’s CNN Town Hall featuring the Parkland survivors vs. Florida Sen. Marco Rubio and NRA Spokesdemon Dana Loesch? As Grandpa Romano used to say, “Hoooooly sheeeeeeeit!” These incredibly composed teens calmly took Rubio and Loesch’s evasive stock answers, and blew them like glitter right back in their hypocritical faces. “Senator Rubio,” asked Douglas Stoneman High junior Cameron Kasky, “can you tell me right now that you will not accept a single donation from the NRA in the future?” After a brief delay in which Rubio watched his dreams for future employment evaporate into the ether, he nervously responded. “People buy into my agenda,” he croaked. “And I do support the Second Amendment.” Rubio was immediately buried alive in a deafening chorus of boos, and as of press time, rescuers are still attempting to dig him out. Our thoughts and prayers are with him. MEANWHILE... Fox News host/dullard Todd Starnes, alarmed that one of his NRA puppet brethren was under attack—by a TEENAGER no less—rushed to Rubio’s defense on Twitter. “Parents,” he asked, “what would you do if your child lectured and ridiculed a US Senator on national television?” Turns out, parents had a LOT of suggestions! “Cheesecake Factory at the minimum,” tweeted @desusnice. “Sorry, I can’t remember... did you want an Xbox or an Nintendo Switch?” @jpbrammer responded. And from @ChaseMit, “This is literally the first thing that’s ever made me consider becoming a parent.” Us too, Chase! In fact, our ovaries are currently making a very distressing “knocking” sound. (Ann, drink a martini, you beautiful fool! Quick!)


DANA GOT DUNKED Alex Wong / getty images

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23

Oh, but the Twitter dunking doesn’t stop there! Shaming gun nuts on social media became an unofficial Winter Olympic sport this week, and here are the gold, silver, and bronze medalists. First up, on-and-off Portlander and screenwriter/TV producer Paul Guyot captured the bronze with a tweet about a certain NRA spokesdemon. “Dana Loesch came to me 10yrs ago pitching a sitcom starring herself: ‘A hot young mom who does far right radio show’,” Guyot wrote. “Said her age & looks would make 1 side hate her & 1 love her so everyone would watch. Was obsessed w the potential fame & money. I turned her down.” Dana, dear? You’ve been DUNKED ON! And both silver and gold medals go to Stoneman Douglas student Sarah Chadwick for these masterful tweets: “We should change the names of AR-15s to ‘Marco Rubio’ because they are so easy to buy.” DUNK! And when conservative goblin Laura Ingraham tried to scold Sarah for the Rubio tweet by writing, “HOW TEENS SPEAK TO AND ABT ADULTS” and referring to her as “Stoneman Douglas sophomore Sarah Chadwick,” the teenager quickly and simply reminded her, “I’m a junior.” And with that sparkly alley-oop DUNK, Sarah reminded all adults that social media is a young person’s world—we’re just there to visit... and get DUNKED ON!


SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24

Remember the mid-’00s, when One Day would spend a gas tanker full of ink every week on Kevin Federline and his sad bride Britney Spears? Well, like a ghost rising from a pile of Ed Hardy shirts, Kevin has returned! According to the Blast, Kevin’s lawyer wants to revisit the pair’s 2008 child custody agreement which still gives Federline $20,000 per month (!!) for partially raising their two children. Now that Brit-Brit’s head-shaving, umbrella-bashing days (#neverforget) are long past, and she graduated to a Las Vegas residency netting her a cool $15 million a year, it’s not surprising that Kevin is not only back, but wants MOARRRRR. However, in his defense, Britney, it’s not 2008 anymore! And it costs a lot of money to take kids to Fuddruckers, and buy them “Juicy” sweatpants, velour fedoras, and multiple copies of Kevin’s 2006 single, PopoZão”! Also, the trailer park called, and he’s a little behind on rent.


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25

FASHION AMBASSADOR
Jayne Kamin-Oncea / getty images

Just so you know, Ivanka Trump—a model and fashion accessories designer with zero foreign policy experience—was sent to South Korea today to meet with President Moon Sae-in and brief him on economic sanctions against North Korea. IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY... According to the Blast, reviled pop star Justin Bieber may be starting his own fashion line called “The House of Drew” (Drew is JB’s middle name) which will undoubtedly feature droopy-ass pants and an assortment of hockey jerseys. CONFIDENTIAL TO PRESIDENT TRUMP (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes and has the lowest approval rating of any president in the history of modern polling): Sure, Justin isn’t a blood relative, and doesn’t have a permanent security clearance—but neither does Ivanka! And when it comes to fashion, he’s at least as talented as your daughter. So make him a special envoy to Syria! C’MON! He’s perfect! He peed in a restaurant mop bucket, for Chrissakes! #neverforget