MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears! Let’s take an exciting visit to... Norway? Um, sure. Norway, we guess. “Norway will spend 100 million Norwegian Crowns ($12.7 million) to upgrade the doomsday seed vault it built 10 years ago,” reports the Verge! Last year, water from melting permafrost—courtesy of global warming—seeped into the vault, which the Verge notes is “constructed in an abandoned Arctic coal mine to store and safeguard the world’s crops and plants from global natural or man-made disaster.” “It is a great and important task to safeguard all the genetic material that is crucial to global food security,” said Norway’s minister of agriculture and food, Jon Georg Dale. Soooooo, Jon... any chance we can get a key to the doomsday seed vault? We only ask since, y’know, it kinda feels like global disaster might be kinda close. No? Okay. Thought we’d ask! IN RELATED NEWS... Hubby Kip’s “Doomsday Survival Castle,” otherwise known as “our garage,” is also getting some upgrades—by which we mean an 82-inch 4K TV, a PlayStation 4, a crossbow he bought at a Renaissance faire, four cans of Hormel Chili, and a Kate Upton poster. So... that’s where we’ll be when catastrophe hits. Huh. Somehow global disaster just got even worse!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Hey, remember Ben Carson? The inept GOP candidate who embarrassed himself for months before losing the Republican presidential nomination to Trump (who, in turn, went on to lose the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), and then embarrassed himself even more by accepting Trump’s job offer to become secretary of housing and urban development—even though he had zero related experience? Yeah, that guy! Well... turns out he’s great at his job. Haha! JK, he’s TERRIBLE at it. “Ben Carson, the secretary of housing and urban development, is attempting to cancel a $31,000 order for a customized hardwood dining room table, chairs, sideboard and hutch the day after the chairman of the House Oversight Committee announced an investigation into the refurbishment of his HUD office,” reports the New York Times—adding that Carson’s remodeling spree comes “just as the White House circulated its plans to slash HUD’s programs for the homeless, elderly and poor.” “He’s not returning the table; he is attempting to cancel the order,” said Armstrong Williams, Carson’s business manager and advisor. “HUD is a bureaucracy, so everything is complicated. The person they contracted has already spent $14,000 making the table. While his intentions are to cancel it, we have to see what happens.” This has been yet another installment of “The Trump Administration: They Even Fuck Up Tables!” IN RELATED NEWS... Hubby Kip just ordered a stupid foosball table for the garage. And we just informed him that he’ll be sending it back. “I’ll attempt to cancel the order,” said Hubby Kip. “But it’s a Doomsday Survival Castle, so everything is complicated. We’ll have to see what happens.”
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28
We’re now weeks past the Parkland school shooting, and—despite the inspiring efforts of the massacre’s young survivors—we have yet to see any serious government response. Which is depressingly familiar, and makes us wonder if anyone will ever put aside murder-fueled profit and instead act like responsible adul—WAIT! THIS JUST IN... Reuters reports that Kroger, which “operates 133 Fred Meyer stores in Alaska, Idaho, Oregon and Washington” and “sells firearms in 43 of those stores,” has joined Dick’s Sporting Goods and Walmart in announcing it will no longer sell firearms to those under 21 years of age—and will no longer sell assault rifles, period. The NYT adds that the companies’ decisions are “among the most significant actions taken on guns by corporate America.” According to the NYT’s interview with Dick’s chief executive Edward Stack, Dick’s “had begun scouring its purchase records shortly after the identity of the suspected Parkland killer, Nikolas Cruz, became known. The company soon discovered that it had legally sold a gun to Mr. Cruz in November, though it was not the type used in the school shooting.” That’s where most American CEOs would’ve shrugged—and then sold some more assault rifles. Not Stack. “It came to us that we could have been a part of this story,” Stack told the NYT. “We said, ‘We don’t want to be a part of this any longer.’”
THURSDAY, MARCH 1
We promise we’ll tell you all about how legendary singer Barbra Streisand cloned her dog (!!!!!), but first: According to the New York Times, White House Communication Director (and Trump confidante) Hope Hicks quit today in order to “pursue other opportunities”... like maybe working for a boss who reportedly won’t call her “stupid” for admitting to the House Intelligence Committee she told “white lies” for the president? Actually, this is really good news for Hope, who has amassed an impressive number of lies while working for Trump, and can now move on to professionally lie for corporations like Monsanto, Dow Chemical, Facebook, or Chipotle. (Future tip: If Hope says the barbacoa bowl is terrific, DON’T EAT IT.) MEANWHILE... Now that Trump’s lost his last friend—scratch that—the last person pretending to be his friend, you can now expect an excess of White House KA-RAZY! For example, in a bipartisan meeting on gun control, Trump suggested bypassing due process and “taking the guns away first.” (Not what the NRA paid to hear!) Later, Trump gave the GOP a heart attack by starting a spontaneous global trade war, vowing to impose international tariffs on aluminum and steel. But he didn’t stop there! Trump also publicly lashed out (again) at Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and according to reports, has been referring to Sessions privately as “Mr. Magoo.” Two things, President Trump: (1) Stop using nicknames that millennials don’t understand—it’s annoying, and (2) Jeff Sessions doesn’t look anything like Mr. Magoo—he looks like the Elf on the Shelf’s great-grandfather. Get it right, dummy.
FRIDAY, MARCH 2
Hand to heart, we’ll get to that “Barbra Streisand clones her dog” story, but first, this hilarious news: Failed senate candidate and probable child-diddler Roy Moore is nearly bankrupt! (Pause for breath, and...) HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! According to the Washington Post, Moore is facing tremendous legal fees (in excess of $100,000 by his own estimation) thanks to a lawsuit filed by a woman he allegedly molested when she was 14 years old. “My resources have been depleted and I have struggled to make ends meet,” cried the grotesque serial abuser on his campaign’s sad Facebook page. “I have had to establish a legal defense fund, anything you give will be appreciated.” Oh! Anything? In that case we’ll give $50 to Planned Parenthood, Lambda Legal, and the fund to clone Barbra Streisand’s dog. (As you will soon learn, it is not cheap.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 3
And now, the story you’ve been begging to hear, “Barbra Streisand Cloned Her Dog”... right after this quick word about Stormy Daniels’ vagina and Donald Trump’s penis. According to the Washington Post, Stormy’s scandalous affair with Trump was almost revealed days before the 2016 election—because the president’s attorney Michael Cohen screwed up and neglected to send the porn star her hush money. Whoopsy-daisy! Infuriated she didn’t receive the $130,000 she was promised for keeping quiet about the affair (which took place while Trump was married to Melania, soon after their son was born), Stormy informed Cohen that her nondisclosure agreement was “canceled and void,” just in time for Election Day. OH, BOY! Unfortunately, Cohen panicked, paid Stormy her shut-up cash, and this juicy story stayed under wraps until fairly recently, when it became only the fifth most important scandal of that week. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to curl up in a fetal position inside Hubby Kip’s Doomsday Survival Castle, sip 100 martinis, and pray for a quick, painless death.
SUNDAY, MARCH 4
But first! Who wants to chitty-chat about tonight’s Oscars? That’s right, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. Instead, here’s the story we were born to report: “Barbra Streisand Cloned Her Dog!” In a wide-ranging interview with Variety (which no one cared about until she mentioned the dog clone stuff), Babs revealed she was so distraught over the death of Samantha, her 14-year-old Coton de Tulear, she turned to ViaGen, a company that flagrantly defies the laws of nature by creating genetic twins of deceased animals for $50,000 a pop (or in this case, pup). EXPLAIN YOURSELF, BARBRA STREISAND! “It was easier to let [Samantha] go if I knew I could keep some part of her alive,” Babs creepily told the New York Times when they demanded an excuse for this atrocity. Using the dead dog’s cells, ViaGen was able to create two identical Samanthas, which Barbra has named Miss Scarlett and Miss Violet... because, of course. However, Barbra did have one cryptic warning to any potential cloners. “You can clone the look of a dog,” she said ominously, “but you can’t clone the soul.” “What? Oh goddammit,” yelled a furious Donald Trump. “Cancel that order for a Hope Hicks clone. I’ll find somebody else who’ll pretend to like me. (Sniff.)”