MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears! Letâs take an exciting visit to... Norway? Um, sure. Norway, we guess. âNorway will spend 100 million Norwegian Crowns ($12.7 million) to upgrade the doomsday seed vault it built 10 years ago,â reports the Verge! Last year, water from melting permafrostâcourtesy of global warmingâseeped into the vault, which the Verge notes is âconstructed in an abandoned Arctic coal mine to store and safeguard the worldâs crops and plants from global natural or man-made disaster.â âIt is a great and important task to safeguard all the genetic material that is crucial to global food security,â said Norwayâs minister of agriculture and food, Jon Georg Dale. Soooooo, Jon... any chance we can get a key to the doomsday seed vault? We only ask since, yâknow, it kinda feels like global disaster might be kinda close. No? Okay. Thought weâd ask! IN RELATED NEWS... Hubby Kipâs âDoomsday Survival Castle,â otherwise known as âour garage,â is also getting some upgradesâby which we mean an 82-inch 4K TV, a PlayStation 4, a crossbow he bought at a Renaissance faire, four cans of Hormel Chili, and a Kate Upton poster. So... thatâs where weâll be when catastrophe hits. Huh. Somehow global disaster just got even worse!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Hey, remember Ben Carson? The inept GOP candidate who embarrassed himself for months before losing the Republican presidential nomination to Trump (who, in turn, went on to lose the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), and then embarrassed himself even more by accepting Trumpâs job offer to become secretary of housing and urban developmentâeven though he had zero related experience? Yeah, that guy! Well... turns out heâs great at his job. Haha! JK, heâs TERRIBLE at it. âBen Carson, the secretary of housing and urban development, is attempting to cancel a $31,000 order for a customized hardwood dining room table, chairs, sideboard and hutch the day after the chairman of the House Oversight Committee announced an investigation into the refurbishment of his HUD office,â reports the New York Timesâadding that Carsonâs remodeling spree comes âjust as the White House circulated its plans to slash HUDâs programs for the homeless, elderly and poor.â âHeâs not returning the table; he is attempting to cancel the order,â said Armstrong Williams, Carsonâs business manager and advisor. âHUD is a bureaucracy, so everything is complicated. The person they contracted has already spent $14,000 making the table. While his intentions are to cancel it, we have to see what happens.â This has been yet another installment of âThe Trump Administration: They Even Fuck Up Tables!â IN RELATED NEWS... Hubby Kip just ordered a stupid foosball table for the garage. And we just informed him that heâll be sending it back. âIâll attempt to cancel the order,â said Hubby Kip. âBut itâs a Doomsday Survival Castle, so everything is complicated. Weâll have to see what happens.â
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Weâre now weeks past the Parkland school shooting, andâdespite the inspiring efforts of the massacreâs young survivorsâwe have yet to see any serious government response. Which is depressingly familiar, and makes us wonder if anyone will ever put aside murder-fueled profit and instead act like responsible adulâWAIT! THIS JUST IN... Reuters reports that Kroger, which âoperates 133 Fred Meyer stores in Alaska, Idaho, Oregon and Washingtonâ and âsells firearms in 43 of those stores,â has joined Dickâs Sporting Goods and Walmart in announcing it will no longer sell firearms to those under 21 years of ageâand will no longer sell assault rifles, period. The NYT adds that the companiesâ decisions are âamong the most significant actions taken on guns by corporate America.â According to the NYTâs interview with Dickâs chief executive Edward Stack, Dickâs âhad begun scouring its purchase records shortly after the identity of the suspected Parkland killer, Nikolas Cruz, became known. The company soon discovered that it had legally sold a gun to Mr. Cruz in November, though it was not the type used in the school shooting.â Thatâs where most American CEOs wouldâve shruggedâand then sold some more assault rifles. Not Stack. âIt came to us that we could have been a part of this story,â Stack told the NYT. âWe said, âWe donât want to be a part of this any longer.ââ
THURSDAY, MARCH 1
We promise weâll tell you all about how legendary singer Barbra Streisand cloned her dog (!!!!!), but first: According to the New York Times, White House Communication Director (and Trump confidante) Hope Hicks quit today in order to âpursue other opportunitiesâ... like maybe working for a boss who reportedly wonât call her âstupidâ for admitting to the House Intelligence Committee she told âwhite liesâ for the president? Actually, this is really good news for Hope, who has amassed an impressive number of lies while working for Trump, and can now move on to professionally lie for corporations like Monsanto, Dow Chemical, Facebook, or Chipotle. (Future tip: If Hope says the barbacoa bowl is terrific, DONâT EAT IT.) MEANWHILE... Now that Trumpâs lost his last friendâscratch thatâthe last person pretending to be his friend, you can now expect an excess of White House KA-RAZY! For example, in a bipartisan meeting on gun control, Trump suggested bypassing due process and âtaking the guns away first.â (Not what the NRA paid to hear!) Later, Trump gave the GOP a heart attack by starting a spontaneous global trade war, vowing to impose international tariffs on aluminum and steel. But he didnât stop there! Trump also publicly lashed out (again) at Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and according to reports, has been referring to Sessions privately as âMr. Magoo.â Two things, President Trump: (1) Stop using nicknames that millennials donât understandâitâs annoying, and (2) Jeff Sessions doesnât look anything like Mr. Magooâhe looks like the Elf on the Shelfâs great-grandfather. Get it right, dummy.
FRIDAY, MARCH 2
Hand to heart, weâll get to that âBarbra Streisand clones her dogâ story, but first, this hilarious news: Failed senate candidate and probable child-diddler Roy Moore is nearly bankrupt! (Pause for breath, and...) HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! According to the Washington Post, Moore is facing tremendous legal fees (in excess of $100,000 by his own estimation) thanks to a lawsuit filed by a woman he allegedly molested when she was 14 years old. âMy resources have been depleted and I have struggled to make ends meet,â cried the grotesque serial abuser on his campaignâs sad Facebook page. âI have had to establish a legal defense fund, anything you give will be appreciated.â Oh! Anything? In that case weâll give $50 to Planned Parenthood, Lambda Legal, and the fund to clone Barbra Streisandâs dog. (As you will soon learn, it is not cheap.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 3
And now, the story youâve been begging to hear, âBarbra Streisand Cloned Her Dogâ... right after this quick word about Stormy Danielsâ vagina and Donald Trumpâs penis. According to the Washington Post, Stormyâs scandalous affair with Trump was almost revealed days before the 2016 electionâbecause the presidentâs attorney Michael Cohen screwed up and neglected to send the porn star her hush money. Whoopsy-daisy! Infuriated she didnât receive the $130,000 she was promised for keeping quiet about the affair (which took place while Trump was married to Melania, soon after their son was born), Stormy informed Cohen that her nondisclosure agreement was âcanceled and void,â just in time for Election Day. OH, BOY! Unfortunately, Cohen panicked, paid Stormy her shut-up cash, and this juicy story stayed under wraps until fairly recently, when it became only the fifth most important scandal of that week. Now if youâll excuse us, weâre going to curl up in a fetal position inside Hubby Kipâs Doomsday Survival Castle, sip 100 martinis, and pray for a quick, painless death.
SUNDAY, MARCH 4
But first! Who wants to chitty-chat about tonightâs Oscars? Thatâs right, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. Instead, hereâs the story we were born to report: âBarbra Streisand Cloned Her Dog!â In a wide-ranging interview with Variety (which no one cared about until she mentioned the dog clone stuff), Babs revealed she was so distraught over the death of Samantha, her 14-year-old Coton de Tulear, she turned to ViaGen, a company that flagrantly defies the laws of nature by creating genetic twins of deceased animals for $50,000 a pop (or in this case, pup). EXPLAIN YOURSELF, BARBRA STREISAND! âIt was easier to let [Samantha] go if I knew I could keep some part of her alive,â Babs creepily told the New York Times when they demanded an excuse for this atrocity. Using the dead dogâs cells, ViaGen was able to create two identical Samanthas, which Barbra has named Miss Scarlett and Miss Violet... because, of course. However, Barbra did have one cryptic warning to any potential cloners. âYou can clone the look of a dog,â she said ominously, âbut you canât clone the soul.â âWhat? Oh goddammit,â yelled a furious Donald Trump. âCancel that order for a Hope Hicks clone. Iâll find somebody else whoâll pretend to like me. (Sniff.)â