Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, MARCH 5

DILDO DREAMS Frazer Harrison / Gettty Images

Well, dears, it's the morning after the Oscars, and we enjoyed them just like you did–not having seen most of the nominated films, falling asleep four times during the ceremony, and enthralled by the saga of 47-year-old Terry Bryant, who, as Variety reports, "briefly stole" Frances McDormand’s Oscar at the Governor's Ball! “He kissed the Oscar several times before allowing those around him at the party to touch the trophy, and even offered photos with the Oscar," Variety reports. "At one point, he yelled, ‘Where’s the Jimmy Kimmel party at?’" Bryant also wandered around "claiming that he won the Oscar ‘for music,' without elaborating," and made a Facebook Live video in which he brandished the stolen award and said things like "Got this tonight! This is mine. We got it tonight, baby!" and "WHOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bryant was eventually arrested, and McDormand's rep says she and Oscar were "happily reunited." It's moments like these, dears, that remind us that fine cinema is a profound art form that can change lives. IN RELATED NEWS... Fine cinema is a profound art form that can change lives, and a bunch of people bought fish-man dildos after The Shape of Water won Best Picture. The twisty, black-and-blue, seven-and-a-half-inch sex toy is "based on a fan's assumption about the merman’s penis," writes Uproxx, adding that the piscine penis "was selling like hot fishcakes after the Oscars." "I don't think it's an accurate representation," The Shape of Water's acclaimed writer and director, Guillermo del Toro, told the Wrap when they asked how he felt about the fact his brilliant imagination and decades of hard work ended up as a dildo. "It’s some form of fan art... I guess."


TUESDAY, MARCH 6

Let's move on from fish-man penises, and instead talk about Republican penises. (EUUUUGHHH. Sorry!) Washington, DC's Washingtonian reports that conservatives are having a difficult time dating in 2018–because no one wants to date a Trump supporter! Huh. You don't say. "A lot of times you'll connect with someone [on an app] and they'll Google you, find out you worked for Trump's campaign, and then it's pretty much all downhill from there," whined one lonely Trump official. A right-wing reporter relayed this sad tale of woe: He brought a date home, she saw his shelves of conservative books, and.... "She was like, ‘Oh no. First question: Did you vote for Trump?'" the sad-sack single remembers. "She was like, ‘I have to get out of here. I can’t see you,' and left." Huh. You don't say. Meanwhile, a former Obama staffer tells a tale from the other side–when she decided to go on a date with a Republican! "We had a really nice time, but at the end of the date, he told me he didn’t believe in global warming," she remembers. "I started laughing, because I'm from Colorado and didn't realize people actually didn't believe in global warming. But he was serious." "They didn't go out again," the Washingtonian notes. Huh. You don't say. Loveless Trump supporters, here's just a touch of dating advice: If you want to find that special someone, maybe don't support a misogynist bigot wannabe dictator who's doing his best to ensure that half the population are treated like second-class citizens? Alternately, you could just buy a fish-man dildo, light some candles, and keep yourself entertained. That might be best for everyone, actually.


WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7

You'd think we'd be done talking about Republican penises, and yet. (We're so, so sorry. We don't make the news!) "Stormy Daniels, the porn star who says she was paid to keep quiet about her alleged affair with Donald Trump, sued the president Tuesday, asking the court to declare that her nondisclosure agreement before the 2016 election is void because Trump [who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes] did not sign it," reports the Washington Post. "In the lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, Daniels–whose real name is Stephanie Clifford–said she had wanted to go public with the story... in the weeks leading up to the election." And she would have, too–if it hadn't been for Trump's meddling lawyer, Michael Cohen, who gave Daniels $130,000 to keep quiet! One person familiar with the deal said Daniels is feeling "buyer’s remorse" for taking the payout, while adult entertainment industry lawyer Karen Tynan gave the Post her learned opinion. "Stormy has got time to amend the complaint and add more causes of action in the next few weeks," she said. "This is absolutely and unequivocally not a good development for Michael Cohen or the president." Huh. You don't say.


THURSDAY, MARCH 8

Happy International Women’s Day! Let's spend it roasting Vice President Mike Pence, shall we? As we know, Mikey is an anti-abortion, miscarriage-criminalizing dipshit who refuses to dine with women without being in the presence of his wife (who he calls “Mother”). EWWWWWW! And yet? He tweeted this: "Today we recognize the countless contributions women have made to our economy, our communities, & our Nation. The Trump Admin will continue to strive to empower women...." He had more to say, but fuck him. Instead, let's revel in the Twitter tsunami that immediately came crashing down on his hypocritical, misogynistic ass. "Nice try," tweeted Bess Kalb. "We are coming for you. And we will take you. And we will sit you down. And we will have LUNCH with you." Meanwhile, Maureen Johnson tweeted, "You do your best to strip away women's rights and won’t even sit with women unless accompanied by your wife. Get away from us, you creep." But perhaps the most skin-blistering tweet of all came from Frank Lesser, who wrote, "Make Americans call their wives Mother Again. #MAMA." Oh poor, poor Mike. Maybe mommy-wife will rub some salve on those burns? MEANWHILE... Is it okay if we spend International Women's Day talking about shirtless Black Panther co-star Michael B. Jordan? Because that's exactly what we're going to do. Today on Twitter, a 17-year-old named Sophia gained internet notoriety after admitting she bit through her retainer during the Black Panther scene when Michael B. took off his shirt. But it gets funnier and sweeter from there, because after being alerted to the tweet, Michael personally offered to replace the teen’s retainer! SQUEEEEEEEEEAL! That's very nice, Michael, but we saw that shirtless scene too–so who's going to replace our tongue?


FRIDAY, MARCH 9

Today in delicious schadenfreude: "Pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli–who infamously jacked up the price of AIDS medication by 5,000 percent (!!)–cried like a baby in court today after a judge sentenced him to seven years in prison for securities fraud. (YESSSSSSS.) "I want [everyone] to understand one thing," he sobbed as a clerk gave him a box of tissues. "The only person to blame for me being here today is me." We happily concur, since Shkreli is also guilty of harassing Hillary Clinton online and offering a $5,000 bounty for a lock of her hair, taunting lawmakers, heckling a female journalist, giving speeches with horrible conservative d-bag Milo Yiannopoulos, and flaunting his $2 million purchase of an ultra-rare Wu-Tang Clan album. In fact, Shkreli is so despicable that his own lawyer admitted he wanted to punch him in the face. Hey, if Shkreli's lawyer is too chicken to do it, we'll happily volunteer. (We'll even bring the box of tissues.)


SATURDAY, MARCH 10

Speaking of sensitive snowflakes in deep legal trouble, possible Russia colluder Donald Trump is in deep legal trouble. (Even deeper than his other legal trouble with Stormy Daniels! Ah, 2018!) So much trouble, in fact, that according to the Wall Street Journal, Trump’s lawyers have approached Robert Mueller with what they think is a sweet deal: They'll allow the special counsel to interview the president IF they can set the parameters for the interview, and IF Mueller ends the Russia probe. In other words, Trump will only answer easy, softball questions about colluding with Russia and his family’s criminal business dealings, as long as Mueller promises to never say anything about it again. (Those sounds you hear are howling gales of laughter from Justice Department officials rolling around on the ground–except for Jeff Sessions, of course. "Hey, guys!" Jeff says, walking into the room. “What’s so funny?” "Oh... nothing!" snickers the Justice Department before collapsing again into uncontrollable laughter.)


SUNDAY, MARCH 11

This just in: Singer Katy Perry killed a nun! Well, sort of. Here's the scoop: For the past three years, Katy's been trying to purchase a vacant California convent–and although the Catholic diocese owns the property, two of convent’s nuns want to block the sale. Why? Uh, duh... because she's Katy Perry! "I found her videos," Sister Rita Callanan told the LA Times in 2015, "and if it's all right to say, I wasn’t happy with any of it." While the sisters located another buyer for the property, a court ruled against them. Fast forward to today, when the sisters accompanied their buyer to court (who's now filing for bankruptcy after being sued for interfering with the sale), 89-year-old Sister Catherine Rose Holzman spoke to press on the scene, saying, "Katy Perry, please stop. [Buying the convent] isn't doing anyone any good." And with that, Holzman walked into the courtroom, collapsed, and DIED. Soooooo... yeah. Katy Perry killed a nun. But on the bright side, Katy just got a new gig as a judge on the reboot of American Idol–so on pretty much the same day, she killed a nun and her career.