Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, MARCH 12

WHERE NO IDIOT HAS GONE BEFORE Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images

Welcome, dears, to One Day at a Time—and a bold new vision of the future from Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes! “My new national strategy for space recognizes that space is a war-fighting domain, just like the land, air, and sea,” proclaimed America’s draft-dodging commander-in-chief to a military audience in San Diego this week. “We may even have a ‘Space Force’... We have the Air Force. We’ll have the Space Force!” Trump then regaled the crowd with how he came up with this futuristic scheme: “I said, ‘Maybe we need a new force. We’ll call it the Space Force.’ Not really serious!” Trump remembered. “And then I said, ‘What a great idea! Maybe we’ll have to do that.’” While Gizmodo pointed out one minor problem with the plan (“To date, no wars have been fought in space”), not everyone thought it was a terrible idea! FOR EXAMPLE... “I’m curious what kind of ‘force’ President Trump is envisioning,” mused Hubby Kip. “One akin to the vast assembly of clone soldiers who turned against the Jedi Knights? Or something like Starfleet, the organization devoted to exploration and the defense of the United Federation of Planets, as evidenced by the fine accomplishments of James Tiberius Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard?” Alternately, the command structure onboard the Battlestar Galactica offers several intriguing ways to combat nefarious Cylon raiders. In conclusion, Ann, please inform your readers that President Trump’s plan needs significantly more detail, which I will be happy to provide as soon as I finish watching Altered Carbon on Netflix.IN RELATED NEWS... We could do better. IN MORE RELATED NEWS... “NASA has been without a permanent leader for more than a year. Now the agency’s temporary leader is leaving, too,” reports the New York Times. (Uh oh! Hope this doesn’t impact the Space Force!) On the upside, the NYT adds that even in the face of Trump’s ineptitude, the agency “continues to explore the cosmos. Next month, it is scheduled to launch the Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite, or TESS, a space telescope that is to search for planets around other stars.” First: Thank you, NASA, for doing brilliant work even in America’s Dark Age. And second: Quick! Somebody spray paint “SPACE FORCE ONE” on the side of TESS! Maybe that’ll get Trump and Hubby Kip to shut up.


TUESDAY, MARCH 13

Meanwhile, on Earth, Trump fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson (who, #neverforget, famously called Trump a “fucking moron”), vowing to replace him with Mike Pompeo, Trump’s lackey in the CIA. “But who will be in charge of the CIA!?!” you ask? Well, that’d be Gina Haspel, who, Politico notes, “would become the first woman to lead the CIA, a milestone Trump touted in announcing his plans.” But Politico also notes a fact Trump neglected to mention: That in Haspel’s career at the CIA, “she controversially ran a ‘black site’ prison in Thailand at which terrorism suspects reportedly were subjected to harsh interrogation tactics, including waterboarding.” And after that, adds the Guardian, Haspel is “said to have drafted orders to destroy video evidence of such torture.” “It’s wonderful this president or any president wants to nominate a woman as head of the CIA—but not Gina Haspel,” said John Kiriakou, a former CIA officer and anti-waterboarding activist, to the Guardian. Alas, before the Guardian could ask Kiriakou anything further, an unmarked van screeched to a halt, masked men yanked Kiriakou inside, and with a squeal of burning rubber, the van sped away and was never seen again.


WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14

“The majority of Benson Polytechnic High School students walked out of class today to remember the victims of Parkland, Florida’s mass shooting one month ago,” writes Portland Mercury News Reporter Kelly Kenoyer. “Hundreds of students filled the concrete steps in the school’s courtyard, linking arms and falling silent during the 17 minutes of silence to honor the 17 Parkland victims. The protest was matched by at least 71 other school walkouts across Portland public schools.” “It’s something really tragic that could happen to any one of us. We want to stand up for change, which is why we should all stand together in solidarity,” said Enrique Tellez, Benson’s student body president, to those gathered. “I get really emotional because it could happen to any one of us,” he added. “This is the reality we have to face, and all we can do is fight for change.” Once again, dears, it’s America’s children who are working to make America a safer, saner place—while adults in power continue to do absolutely nothing. IN RELATED NEWS... Okay, maybe “absolutely nothing” was too harsh—at least one authority figure is definitely doing something! “As thousands of students walked out of their schools on Wednesday to pressure Congress to approve gun control legislation, three other students were healing from wounds inflicted when a teacher’s firearm accidentally discharged in a California classroom,” writes the New York Times. Incredibly, no students were seriously wounded—and also incredibly, no one is sure why teacher Dennis Alexander (1) had a gun on school property, (2) was showing students his gun, and (3)... actually, we can’t even think of a (3), because this is all just too infuriating. Instead of thinking about America’s utter failure with guns, we recommend just going up to the start of this blurb and rereading what Enrique Tellez said.


THURSDAY, MARCH 15

Sweethearts! Everyone settle down for a minute, because Donald Trump Jr. has an announcement... and a request. “After 12 years of marriage, [Vanessa Trump and I] have decided to go our separate ways,” he said via statement to Page Six. “We ask for your privacy during this time.” HAHAHAHAHAAAAA... you want what? Yeah, that’s NEVER going to happen. We don’t know much about Vanessa, other than she made the grave miscalculation of marrying a waxen human gargoyle who’s famous for posting boastful hunting pictures of himself with murdered elephants and leopards. He’s also known for liking despicable tweets, such as one from a troll who verbally attacked a teen survivor of the Parkland, Florida slaughter. Oh, and lest we forget, there’s the little thingy about being investigated by Robert Mueller for potential collusion with the Russians during daddy’s election campaign—because there’s nothing more romantic than being told, “Honey, you might be subpoenaed to testify about my meetings with Russian diplomats. Can you tell them I was just cheating on you? That they’ll believe.” IN AN UNRELATED STORY... Soon after this announcement was made, First Lady Melania Trump was seen jumping onto the hood of Vanessa’s car as she was pulling out of the driveway. “Take me with you!” Melania screamed through the windshield. “Don’t leave me here with him!”


FRIDAY, MARCH 16

Now it’s time for your weekly Stormy... Daniels... Update! According to CBS, a 60 Minutes interview with Daniels, where the adult film star promises to describe her affair with Donald Trump in sticky detail (EW!), will reportedly air on Sunday, March 25. (So stock-up on Imodium, especially if you’ve got a touchy gag reflex.) MEANWHILE... Stormy’s lawyer Michael Avenatti has been traveling the cable news show circuit to drop all sorts of damning details, such as (A) the discovery of six more women (!) with very similar Trump stories, (B) that some of Stormy’s allegations went down after Trump arrived in the White House (!!), and (C) the actress was allegedly “physically threatened to stay silent about what she knew about Donald Trump” (!!!10). MEANWHILE... Trump lawyer Michael Cohen—who oh, so graciously paid $130,000 out of his own pocket to silence Stormy pre-election—is threatening to sue the actress for $20 million for breaking the non-disclosure agreement about an affair that he says never happened. Wait... what? If it didn’t happen, why did they need a non-disclosure? Oh dear. HUBBY KIP! Make us a martini, stat! As our Aunt Margaret used to say, “This situation is giving us the vapors.”


SATURDAY, MARCH 17

In what historians will surely call the “St. Paddy’s Day Twitter Massacre,” Donald Trump had a very public social media meltdown today following the media’s reaction to the firing of FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe just hours before he was eligible for retirement, thereby causing him to lose his accompanying benefits. (Yeah. Dick move.) Attorney General/Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions fired McCabe for allegedly being less than forthcoming with investigators who questioned him about FBI actions prior to the 2016 election. However, insiders have told various news orgs that Trump encouraged Sessions to purge McCabe in order to undermine his work in the Russia investigation. Well! As it turns out, Trump doesn’t like it when his clumsy, obvious machinations are publicly exposed, and so today he took out his many frustrations on Twitter world. “The Fake News is beside themselves that McCabe was caught, called out and fired,” Trump Twitter-squealed between bites of a dripping Big Mac. And later: “Why does the Mueller team have 13 hardened Democrats,” Trump erroneously Twitter-fumed, spilling his 16th Diet Coke of the day down his pajama shirt. “Does anyone think this is fair? And yet, there is NO COLLUSION!” MEANWHILE, 25,000 YEARS IN THE FUTURE... An alien worker excavating random metals from the hollowed-out husk of Earth stumbles upon a digital collection of Trump’s tweets, and thinks to herself, “Wow. I don’t even speak Earthling, and I know this guy is guilty as fuck.”


SUNDAY, MARCH 18

It’s gross... but one last word about Don Jr., the chinless product of his father’s bent sperm: After learning of his impending divorce, model Melissa Stetten revealed how the still-married Don would attempt to awkwardly slide into her DMs and flirt with her about bacon (??). “Surprised his marriage didn’t work out since he was sending me DMs a month after his wife gave birth,” Melissa wrote on Twitter. “I tweeted a joke about pulling a muscle changing a tampon and he replied asking if I smelled bacon? Cool joke.” Later he DM’d her again, teasing her about “bacon perfume.” IN A RELATED STORY... No one wants to read your creepy DMs about bacon, Don Jr! For the love of god, bury yourself in a landfill.