MONDAY MARCH 26
Welcome back, dears, to One Day at a Time... which is rapidly becoming a column all about successful businesswoman Stormy Daniels? Which... we’re fine with? Because Daniels is killing it. (And by “it,” we mean “the Trump administration.”) Last night, Daniels appeared on 60 Minutes, where she told professional dweeb Anderson Cooper all about her alleged affair with Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, and who also, uh, maybe isn’t the sexiest person to have an affair with? But hey, to each their own! Anyway, the cool, collected Daniels regaled Anderson with the basics of her (shudder) affair before sharing some disturbing new info: that the reason she struck a $130,000 deal to stay quiet was because she and her daughter were threatened. “I was in a parking lot going to a fitness class with my infant daughter,” Daniels said. “And a guy walked up on me and said to me, ‘Leave Trump alone. Forget the story.’ And he leaned around and looked at my daughter and said, ‘That’s a beautiful little girl, it would be a shame if something happened to her mom.’” “It was a quintessential moment of the Trump presidency—a tabloid-ready scandal and must-see television—that carried potential legal implications for Trump and his longtime lawyer and fixer, Michael Cohen,” wrote the New York Times. Fingers crossed, dears. Oh, and Stormy? No one should be threatened like that, and we’re sorry you were—and thank you for telling the truth. We’re glad someone is.
TUESDAY, MARCH 27
And now for a story almost as important as the downfall of the American republic: The Mystery of the Beyoncé Biter! As you’ve no doubt heard, in a recent GQ interview, Tiffany Haddish revealed that in December, an unnamed “actress” who was “doing the mostest” at a party got busted by Beyoncé for touching Jay-Z on the chest. “Beyoncé came walking up like... ‘Biitttchhh!’” Haddish told GQ. “But, she didn’t say that. But her demeanor, her body from the way she walked up on them said, ‘Get your hands off my man’s chest.’” First, we love you forever, Beyoncé! Second, how did this actress respond? Well, according to Haddish, “She bit Beyoncé in the face.” WHAT. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?? The Huffington Post dared to find out, asking dozens of celebs: ARE YOU THE FACE-BITER?? “Some were at the after-party in question,” said the Huffington Post. “Some were just names we came up with.” And the responses are gold. “What? I have no idea what this means,” the spokesperson for Jennifer Aniston replied. “Why in the world would you think Jennifer Aniston would do such a thing? It’s absurd.” (Hmm. Someone doth protest too much.) HuffPo also asked spokespeople for Frances McDormand (“Seriously?!”), Amy Adams (“Hahaha, NO. So funny that you would ask if Amy Adams did this?”), and Queen Latifah (“No comment”), in addition to reps for Natalie Portman (“Let’s just say,” HuffPo noted, “we have been informed we can cross her off the list”) and Jennifer Lawrence (“Yes, remove her please,” a rep said when HuffPo asked if they could rule out JLaw). But our fave response might be from whoever handles publicity for Shirley MacLaine: “No, Shirley did not bite anything. She’s 83 years old, for God’s sake.” We now move on to Wednesday, which will inevitably be super boring compared to today.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28
YUP. As you might remember from last week, dears, Ben Affleck has a very stupid back tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes. We, and everyone else, like to make fun of him for it. And today, even the prim grayhairs at the New Yorker got into it! “Ben Affleck’s is the kind of middle-aged-white-male sadness that the Internet loves to mock—a mocking that depends on the rejection of this sadness, as well as a hedging identification with it,” the New Yorker tweeted, in the most predictably pretentious way imaginable. BUT THEN... Ben Affleck replied! “I’m doing just fine,” he tweeted back to the magazine for senile former valedictorians. “Thick skin bolstered by garish tattoos.” Wait. Did... did Ben Affleck just make a joke? A good one? Are we... are we on Ben’s side now? WHAT’S HAPPENING?! (Yes, we know: Even screaming “WHAT’S HAPPENING?!” can’t make this as interesting as The Mystery of the Beyoncé Biter. We tried.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 29
Poor, Donald J. Trump! As of today, five major law firms have refused to defend the president in the Russia probe—and for no good reason! Okay, fine. Maaaaaybe they’re nervous about taking on a client who’s (a) under federal investigation, (b) being sued by successful businesswoman Stormy Daniels, (c) up to his neck in shady business dealings, and (d) a blatant criminal. OH! And (e) he lies... like, constantly, and will almost certainly perjure himself. And it was this hilarious (for us) situation that inspired the following fake Craigslist ad posted in the DC area with the following title: “SEEKING LEAD ATTORNEY FOR DIFFICULT CLIENT.” The ad asks for a lawyer well versed in “executive privilege” with “a better than average knowledge of the adult film industry” and whose “prior appearances on Fox News [will be] a huge plus.” However, if hired, the candidate must do everything in their power to keep their client from “testifying under oath” while hoping “the rest comes out in the wash.” And one final requirement, since this is presumably an ad from the Trump administration: “No fatties.” (You know, it’ll save everybody a lot of time and money if we just skip the trial and go straight to sentencing.)
FRIDAY, MARCH 30
If there’s one takeaway from this week, it’s this: Do not fuck with Parkland students. Following Fox News host/hobgoblin Laura Ingraham’s unfortunate decision to taunt Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg on Twitter about his rejected college applications, the entirety of the internet rose up and bellowed, “OH HELL NO.” Rather than counter-punching Ingraham, Hogg instead reached out to his 730,000 Twitter followers and asked them to share their feelings with Ingraham’s sponsors. They did, and within days, her show lost more than a dozen major advertisers—including Johnson & Johnson, Nestlé, and Hulu. Cue Ingraham’s sniveling apology! “In the spirit of Holy Week,” Ingraham sniveled insincerely (because she does not give two shits about Holy Week), “I apologize for any upset or hurt my tweet caused him or any of the brave victims of Parkland.” And now... cue Hogg’s non-acceptance of her sniveling apology! “The apology was kind of expected,” Hogg told CNN, “especially after so many of her advertisers dropped out.” The co-founder of boycott activist group #GrabYourWallet, Shannon Coulter, had these wise words to add: “It’s not just that one tweet,” she told the Washington Post. “It’s that [Ingraham is] signaling to her large audience that it’s okay to [troll children].” You heard it here first, folks: Fox News is America’s biggest employer of former playground bullies.
SATURDAY, MARCH 31
Speaking of TV shows that could use a good corporate boycotting, ABC’s old-timey sitcom Roseanne returned to the airwaves this week, with one major twist: Trump supporter Roseanne Barr has also transformed her character Roseanne Conner into a Trump supporter. All together now: GROSS. A former progressive (who, in fairness, still believes in LGBTQ and reproductive rights), Barr is now using her reinvigorated national platform to push crackpot alt-right conspiracy theories... such as this one she posted on Twitter this weekend: “President Trump has freed so many children held in bondage to pimps all over this world,” she wrote with absolutely zero regard for facts. “He has broken up trafficking rings in high places everywhere.” This blatant turd of misinformation comes courtesy of a far-right message board user named “Q” who regularly posts wacky theories about a satanic Democrat sex-trafficking ring. (Remember “Pizzagate” during the 2016 presidential campaign? Same crackpot!) Barr has also retweeted conspiracy theories from InfoWars, posted Islamophobic tweets, and in one online rant, claimed “jew hater hillary clinton’s handler huma weiner is a filthy nazi whore.” WOW. Okay, then! Friends, please clip and save this particular One Day item for when Thanksgiving rolls around, and your family is laughing about that delightful Roseanne show, and how it reflects “good working-class American values.”
SUNDAY, APRIL 1
And finally, the news you’ve all been waiting for: The Mystery of the Beyoncé Biter has been solved! “Multiple sources confirm to Page Six that the face-chomping culprit was indeed actress Sanaa Lathan, even though she strongly denies it,” the newspaper reported! And yet? While we value truth above all else, we remain utterly convinced JENNIFER ANISTON DID IT. And you’ll never convince us otherwise. Why? Because if the teeth of a mere mortal (like Lathan) were to ever come in contact with the overwhelming radiance emanating from Beyoncé’s face, they would explode with the fury of 10,000 atomic bombs. Only the teeth of another goddess (like Aniston) could withstand Queen Bey’s glorious fury. Also, Jennifer Aniston is annoying as fuck and you know it. Have a great week, and byeeeeee!