BORDER BLUNDER Mark Wilson / Getty Images

MONDAY, APRIL 2

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears! We’re delighted to have you with us, and we’d love to sit back with a martini or two and chat about what you’ve been up to, but unfortunately, news happened—and because it’s 2018, we’re pretty sure you know what kind of news it was! (Bad. It was bad news.) And so we reluctantly set aside our martini glass and cast our weary eyes toward the Mexican border, where Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) is deploying the National Guard. As the New York Times explains, the White House is justifying America’s increasingly militarized border as a necessity to “confront what it called a growing threat of illegal immigrants, drugs, and crime from Central America.” (Uh, quick reminder, dears, because it’s very easy to forget actual facts when Trump is belching hatred and your gross aunt keeps posting about “illegals” on Facebook whenever she isn’t LOLing at Roseanne: “Arrests of people trying to cross illegally into the US from Mexico plunged to the lowest level since 1971, as fewer people attempted the trek,” NPR reported in 2017, citing statistics from the Department of Homeland Security. So, y’know, just a reminder: Illegal immigration is not the scourge that racist white Americans keep making it out to be! We now return to Trump’s senile rambling.) Trump “first began raising new dangers posed by immigration in a series of confusing tweets and public statements that started Sunday,” NYT adds. “After the president’s remarks, White House aides struggled for hours to decipher his intentions.” And this is how major national policy is made in 2018. Neat! IN RELATED NEWS... Hey, remember Hillary’s emails? We sure dodged a bullet there!

TUESDAY, APRIL 3

And the darkest timeline continues, with even more Republican ineptitude—this time a little closer to home! “The Multnomah County Republican Party accused Portland Public Schools of brainwashing students against the Second Amendment and all guns,” reports KGW, writing that James Buchal, the chair of the Multnomah County Republican Party, claims that conniving teachers, rather than students, organized the March 14 gun control protests—you know, the ones that were clearly organized by students. Filing a public records request for emails and documents he believes will incriminate those freedom-hatin’ teachers, Buchal told KGW that “the Second Amendment is under attack” (no shit, Sherlock) and “I think taxpayer money is being used for that attack” (uh, okay, sure, you moron). And yes, Buchal literally used the word “brainwashing,” and... and... ugh. OKAY... Hey, everyone who isn’t James Buchal—you can skip to Wednesday! This next part is just for him: Hey, Jimmy? Maybe “brainwashing” students isn’t actually required when vast swaths of their entire generation are getting brutally murdered in school—all while smug assholes like you sit back, insult them, and defend those who profit off their killings. Just a thought, dipshit! (Phew! Sorry, everyone else! Just had to get that off our chest. Because fuck that guy.)

MR. ROMANO ethan miller / getty images

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4

In much happier news, Channing Tatum is separating from his wife! Wait. That came out wrong. We meant to say we’re very sorry to report that Channing Tatum is separating from his wife, and that we are certainly not scheming about how, now that he’s back on the market, maybe we can marry Channing Tatum? “Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum are separating after nearly nine years of marriage,” writes People, citing a very sweet statement in which Mr. and Mrs. Chatum note “absolutely nothing has changed about how much we love one another, but love is a beautiful adventure that is taking us on different paths for now.” Love is a beautiful adventure, Channing... and next time you need an adventure partner, you have our number! (Sex partner. That was code for “sex partner.”)

THURSDAY, APRIL 5

As you know, we’d like it very much if you STOPPED WATCHING ROSEANNE ALREADY. Putting aside Roseanne Barr’s pro-Trump sitcom and repeated Twitter faux pas (including promoting InfoWars conspiracy theories, congratulating the president’s nonexistent fight against sex trafficking, and blatant Islamophobia), a picture popped up on social media this week of a 2009 photo shoot in which Roseanne dressed up as Hitler putting gingerbread Jews into an oven. Now, we could spill a lot of ink trying to make sense of her defense for this so-called parody, but trust us: It doesn’t make a bit of goddamn sense. However, that didn’t stop ABC network brass from quelling a potential advertiser boycott by asking us to separate Barr from the character in her sitcom. “My feeling is that people should just watch the show and judge it on its merits,” said co-showrunner Bruce Helford to the Hollywood Review. In other words, please don’t compare the Trump-loving creator of Roseanne to the Trump-loving character of Roseanne... because they’re totally different! Example: While the original Roseanne was a champion for the working class, the new Roseanne is a champion for the man who’s destroying the working class. Sooooo, yeah! Let’s hear it for judging the show “on its merits!”

INSECURE Chip Somodevilla / getty images

FRIDAY, APRIL 6

And the hits just keep on coming for embattled and clearly corrupt EPA Chief Scott Pruitt! As you recall, Scottie has been dinged in the press for his taxpayer-funded first-class flights, and renting a $50-a-night residence from the wife of an energy lobbyist (nothing suspicious there). However, according to a New York Times article, Scott’s swamp runs deeper than we ever imagined, and lists the many extravagances he’s requested, including but not limited to: Pruitt’s request for a $100,000-a-month unlimited private jet membership; $70,000 to get two new desks, including “a bulletproof model”; an office renovation with a built-in soundproof booth for private conversations (again, nothing suspicious); a request for a bulletproof car equipped with lights and sirens to help get him quickly to the airport or to dinner at his favorite trendy French restaurant, Le Diplomate; and—can we just pause for a moment to remind you we’re not fucking joking about any of this? Okay, thank you. Let’s continue: Pruitt also wanted to triple the size of his security detail to 20 members; and when five EPA officials complained about these out of control taxpayer-funded expenses, they were either suspended or demoted—one was even sent to a far-away office with no other employees, which one agency official described as “an unmarked grave.” DEAR GOD. And yet Scott Pruitt is somehow, inconceivably still employed by the federal government, thanks almost certainly to powerful GOP donors (hi, Koch brothers) who need him to continue rolling back Obama-era environmental regulations. (Meanwhile, we were scolded by Mercury brass for taking too many scented Post-It notes from the supply cabinet. In our defense, they smell delicious.)

SATURDAY, APRIL 7

Lucky you... we have more happy Stormy Daniels news, dolls! This week when the president was asked by reporters if he knew about the $130,000 payment to the successful businesswoman in order to buy her silence about their alleged (and possibly coercive) affair, here’s what he said: “No.” Unfortunately for Trump, his very uncharacteristic one-word answer just made his defense, like, a lot more difficult. By saying he didn’t know about the payment for Daniel’s NDA, he’s also claiming he didn’t know there WAS an NDA—which means Stormy could now be free to disclose as much as she pleases about their (gross!!) encounter. Which might include dick pics? Okay, maybe we’re not ready for this after all. (Quick! Fix Mommy a Purell martini!)

SUNDAY, APRIL 8

And let us end this tempestuous week by celebrating a brand-new heroine of the #MeToo movement. As Bill Cosby—who’s been accused of sexual assault by more than 50 women—was walking toward a Philadelphia courthouse for the start of his retrial for “aggravated indecent assault,” he was met by a throng of protesters and a special guest star who jumped out in front of him: a topless woman whose body was covered with the names of Cosby’s accusers and the words “Women’s Lives Matter.” Even more interesting? This hero was 39-year-old Nicolle Rochelle, a member of the European feminist collective Femen (that stage topless protests around the globe), and—get this—had appeared on several episodes of The Cosby Show as a child! After justifiably scaring the crap out of the loathsome “comedian,” Rochelle was charged with disorderly conduct and then released. Thank you, Rochelle, for your brave and powerful act of protest—and if it’s not too much trouble... do you think you can introduce us to Theo?