MONDAY, APRIL 9
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, and a look back at what wasâto be perfectly fucking honestâone of the craziest weeks in an era jam-packed with crazy! And not good crazy, like, âAnn gets crazy after six martinis!â or âAnn got a crazy good deal on a gorgeous pair of Frye boots!â We mean bad crazy. (On the upside, though, we really did get a crazy good deal on these Fryes, and they really are gorgeous!) Early this morning, the FBI raided the New York office and hotel room of Donald Trumpâs lawyer, Michael D. Cohenââseizing business records, emails, and documents related to several topics, including a payment to a pornographic film actress,â reports the New York Times! And ooh, it gets crazier! âThe prosecutors obtained the search warrant after receiving a referral from the special counsel in the Russia investigation, Robert S. Mueller,â the NYT continues, adding, the âsearch does not appear to be directly related to Mr. Muellerâs investigation, but most likely resulted from information that he had uncovered.â Now, we donât want to get anyoneâs hopes up (the last time we did that was when we said âDonât worry! Hillaryâs got this!â), but this? Well, this could be big. And for that reason, weâre sure the White House will react in a reasoned, measured manner. MEANWHILE, AT THE WHITE HOUSE... âA TOTAL WITCH HUNT!!!â tweeted Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes. âAttorney-client privilege is dead!â Trump also screamed that the FBI âbroke intoâ his skeevy lawyerâs office, and called the raids a âdisgraceful situationâ and an âattack on our country in a true sense.â Which, you know, is exactly how someone innocent would respond. A âGOP operative close to the White Houseâ laid things out pretty clearly for Politico: âThe all-caps tweet, thatâs the primal scream. Thatâs the war cry,â said the operative. âHeâs losing his shit. Weâre at a different level now.â So say we all, shady anonymous GOP operative. So say we all.
TUESDAY, APRIL 10
âIn the wake of the FBI raid on his personal attorney Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump is mad as hell. And he may just be willing to take a step considered to be a political nuclear bomb in Washington: Fire special counsel Robert Mueller,â wrote CNNâs Chris Cillizza. And firing Mueller, Bloomberg Politics notes, could âparalyze his administration, alienate some of his supporters, and force even Republican allies in Congress to either tie themselves to the president or abandon him.â Okay, sure. Republicans, we can see how that sounds pretty bad! But cheer up! At least the catastrophic ethics and espionage investigation of your dear leader is the absolute worst thing youâll have to deal with this week.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11
Ha ha! WHOOPS. Sorry, Republicans! This morning, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan abruptly announced his retirementâat age 48, otherwise known as âan age at which no one actually retires.â âThough he was once considered one of the Republican Partyâs brightest starsâhe ran for vice president as Mitt Romneyâs running mate in 2012âMr. Ryan said Wednesday that at 48, he is out of politics for the foreseeable future,â the NYT reports, noting that when Ryan became Speaker of the House, it was because he âwas seen as the only lawmaker who could keep Republicans from devouring themselves.â While Ryan claimed he was âretiringâ to spend time with his family, zero people believed him. âWe can all read between the lines,â said Rep. Charlie Dent. âThis is not an easy administration to be dealing with.â With dozens of Republicansâ seats under threat, many conservatives were counting on Ryanâwho, in addition to being a talented fundraiser, is also the only member of the GOP who doesnât automatically make people projectile vomit. âThis is the nightmare scenario,â Virginia Republican and former Representative Thomas M. Davis III told the NYT. âEverybody figured heâd just hang in there till after the election.â Ha ha! WHOOPS. MEANWHILE... If youâll let us put on our tinfoil hat for just a second (actually, itâs not ours, itâs Hubby Kipâs, and he insists on wearing it every time we watch Riverdale, for reasons we never have and never will ask about), we have a conspiracy theory: Maybe, just maybe, Ryan got so tired of being a spineless lickspittle for Trump, and so tired of watching the GOP flush American democracy down the toilet, that... maybe heâs intentionally sabotaging the Republicans? Eh? Eh? Yes, we knowâhe probably just hates Trump as much as everyone else. But the result is the same: a ânightmare scenarioâ for Republicans that, to the rest of us, seems like a wonderful dream.
THURSDAY, APRIL 12
Itâs wrong to celebrate the failures of others... unless, of course, theyâre Donald Trump supporters! According to Deadspin, an American boxer by the name of Rod Salka fought Mexican fighter Francisco Vargas tonight... and why should you care? Because Salka wore a pair of âAmerica 1stâ shorts, decorated to look like a brick wall. (Even ignoring the anti-immigrant rhetoric, they looked horrific.) However, youâll be happy to learn that Mexicoâs Vargas mercilessly pounded this hateful and poorly dressed butthole for seven rounds until Salka eventually quit the fight in disgrace. (Just like Trump will do in say... three months, we hope?) MEANWHILE... As we know, the Trump administration is in near-constant chaos, with the Prez either firing or chasing off a large portion of his staff. But their misery doesnât end thereâbecause as it turns out, no one wants to hire an icky former Trump loyalist. According to Buzzfeed, many companies are simply refusing to hire people formerly employed by the Trump White House âbecause of the âreputational riskâ associated with it.â YESSSSSSSS. Enjoy the unemployment line, choads!
FRIDAY, APRIL 13
Hereâs a tweet you donât want to hear from a president right before he launches missiles at Syria: âJames Comey is a proven LEAKER & LIAR!â To the heavy sighs of everyone, Trump spent much of today rage-tweeting at the world after hearing choice selections from the fired FBI directorâs new book, A Higher Loyalty. âHe is an untruthful slimeball,â Trump tweet-screeched, âwho was, as time has proven, a terrible Director of the FBI.â So, what kind of âuntruthful slimeballâ remarks did Comey make? Other than pointing out that the president appears âslightly orange with bright half-moons under his eyesâ (yeah, we noticed), and that heâs âunethical and untethered to truthâ (yep, knew that too), Comey didnât dismiss the existence of the holy grail of the Trump investigation: THE PEE TAPE. In fact, Comey says that the president asked him to disprove the Steele dossierâs accusation of an alleged golden showers party that included Trump, a bunch of sex workers, and at least one of Russiaâs blackmail cameras. In short, Comeyâs book doesnât hold many surprises. So if we were Trump, instead of Twitter-screaming, weâd take a subtler approach, like, âHey James! Thanks again for helping me beat Crooked Hillary. Cool book! They should get Bull from Night Court to play you in the movie!â
SATURDAY, APRIL 14
Following yesterdayâs airstrike on three of Syriaâs chemical weapons sites, UN Ambassador Nikki Haley promised that the Trump administration would level punitive economic sanctions against Russia for their role in assisting the Syrian regime, and... ummm... is it just us, or does this sound weirdly un-Trump like? We mean, is this the same Trump that has never uttered a single unkind word to Vladimir Putin? (Because, you know, pee tape?) Well, if that doesnât sound like Trump to you... youâre right! âPresident Trump has put the brakes on a preliminary plan to impose additional sanctions on Russia, walking back an announcement by Haley,â the Washington Post wrote two days after the ambassadorâs announcement, adding that the president was actually very upset about the sanctions because âhe was not yet comfortable executing them, according to several people familiar with the plan.â Huh! Thatâs a sudden, weird about-face! Itâs almost as if the minute Haley announced the sanctions, a shadowy Russian ambassador contacted Trump on the administrationâs back-channel (set up by Jared Kushner) and whispered, " " causing the president to quickly reverse his decision! (Note to readers: We hope you appreciate the tens of minutes we put into translating âPee Tapeâ into Russianâbecause while it may appear to be a simple task, Google Translate actually has some very annoying and counterintuitive design flaws. Anyway, youâre welcome.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 15
Ugh, enough politics already! Letâs end this FUCKING INSANE week with the glorious ray of light known as BeyoncĂ© Knowles, Queen of the Universe. If you missed it, her headlining performance at the normally white and chill Coachella music festival was anything but, featuring a Destinyâs Child reunion (!!!), and duets with sister Solange as well as Mr. BeyoncĂ© Knowles (formerly known as Jay-Z). But even more thrilling was her astounding tribute to Americaâs historically Black colleges and universities (HBCU), which included more than 100 black-and-yellow clad dancers and musicians, as well as a drum line, majorettes, and lots of step dancing. And when she sang âLift Every Voice and Singâ (AKA the Black national anthem)... well, Twitter user @SaddyBey summed it up best. âBeyoncĂ© had the audacity to turn the whitest function of the year into an HBCU homecoming,â he wrote. âWe donât call her Queen for no reason.â Until next week, let those sweet, true words ring in your ears.