Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, APRIL 16

OH, SNAP drew Angerer / getty images

Welcome to One Day at a Time, dears... and the bruisin’, bare-knuckled brawl between Nikki Haley and the White House! As we noted last week, America’s UN ambassador, Haley—who’s generally one of the less-loathed members of Trump’s motley crew of cowardly goose-steppers—got into a teensy scuffle when she announced America would level punitive sanctions against Russia for their support of Syrian mass-murderer Bashar al-Assad. Naturally, Haley’s very reasonable, very sensible announcement INFURIATED Trump, leading him to reportedly start screaming at his TV when he learned the news. The White House quickly claimed that Haley’s announcement was a result of her “momentary confusion.” (Women, right? Always getting so confused!) Haley, though, wasn’t having it—quickly firing back, “With all due respect, I don’t get confused.” (SNAP.) The president’s national economics advisor, Larry Kudlow, hastily walked back his statement about Haley’s “confusion,” backpedaling to the New York Times, “As it turns out, she was basically following what she thought was policy. The policy was changed and she wasn’t told about it, so she was in a box.” And so we have, dears, yet another example of this White House’s incoherent policy and utter failure of communication. Heavy sigh. On the upside, here’s to Haley—who joins a growing list of Trump lackeys who are finally standing up to their boss. Meanwhile, said boss, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, is slouched in a pile of Big Macs and screaming at whatever is currently on TV. Right now, it’s Tiny House Hunters.


TUESDAY, APRIL 17

Today Kendrick Lamar won a Pulitzer Prize, and for a moment, all was right in the world. While a slew of others also won the prestigious awards, including novelist Andrew Sean Greer, biographer Caroline Fraser, and the staffs of the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Portland Mercury (okay, one of those is a lie) (the Post didn’t win shit), the biggest winner was Kendrick Lamar, whose album DAMN. was declared by the Pulitzer committee to be “a virtuosic song collection unified by its vernacular authenticity and rhythmic dynamism that offers affecting vignettes capturing the complexity of modern African American life.” Well, that’s one way to characterize DAMN. A better way might be: Kendrick Lamar is so great that even the Pulitzers have to take notice. An even better version might be: Maybe everything isn’t terrible after all.


WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18

Sick of James Comey? So are we! The former FBI director has been everywhere promoting his new memoir, and behind all his wacky Trump stories and shaky justifications for his obsession over Hillary’s emails, there’s been one overriding theme: Comey really likes attention. And so we come to today’s episode of The View, in which Comey was asked who should play him in James Comey: The Movie! “The show’s co-hosts threw out a number of suggestions, including John Cusack and Vince Vaughn,” notes The Hollywood Reporter. “Whoopi Goldberg even offered herself up, joking, ‘I feel I could do you justice.’” Comey, though, had already been giving this some thought: “My kids’ vote would be for Kyle Chandler from Friday Night Lights,” he said, invoking not only the greatest television show ever created but also one of that show’s greatest characters, Coach Taylor. While we can sort of see a resemblance between DILF Kyle Chandler and Comey, Chandler would have to get lifts (he’s a pretty average 6’1” while Comey’s a freakish 6’8”), and really, this makes us think the only way to make the Trump White House remotely enjoyable would be to just replace everyone involved with our beloved Friday Night Lights characters. Blustery car-dealer Buddy Garrity could be the clueless commander-in-chief, Tami Taylor could be the person everyone wishes was in charge, and Tim Riggins... well, Tim Riggins is, of course, perfect as is. He can just be Tim Riggins. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to put down the news and go rewatch the entirety of Friday Night Lights.


THURSDAY, APRIL 19

Dears and dolls, today there is but one question on the sweaty lips of gabby Washington, DC, insiders: “Will Trump’s lawyer/scandal fixer Michael Cohen ‘flip’ on the president?” Let’s go to the experts! Trump defender/lawyer Alan Dershowitz to Politico: “[Mueller’s] going to threaten [Cohen] with a long prison term and try to turn him into a canary that sings.” (All canaries can sing... but let’s move along.) According to the Wall Street Journal, longtime Trump lawyer Jay Goldberg warned the president that Cohen would “turn against” him, and would “cooperate with prosecutors if faced with criminal charges.” Talking Points Memo’s Josh Marshall tweeted that he had it “on good authority” that the “Trump kids are sure Cohen will or perhaps already folded.” The NYT chatted with Trump loyalist Roger Stone who also seems to strongly believe Cohen will “flip” because “Donald goes out of his way to treat him like garbage”—a hypothesis echoed by several sources, including former Trump aide Sam Nunberg. Hmm. These supporters seem to be in universal agreement that Michael Cohen will “flip” when put under pressure—but here’s something odd: NONE of them (including Trump’s kids) are saying that the president is innocent. After all, why would Cohen be “flipping” unless there were actual crimes to “flip” against? And so here we are, in a world where everyone, including the people closest to Donald Trump, are basically admitting the president is guilty as FUCK. This is why Hubby Kip wants to join Mueller’s prosecution team—because he’s lazy and knows it will be the easiest money he ever makes.


FRIDAY, APRIL 20

Today will go down in history as either cause for celebration, or a harbinger of the end of civilization as we know it, because... Kanye West is back on Twitter, guys! After deactivating his account 11 months ago and erasing his history of amazingly baroque and controversial tweets (including his support for Donald Trump, #NEVERFORGET), Kanye has returned to the social media platform. But don’t panic, because Kanye is still Kanye. In fact, he revealed he’ll be writing a book of philosophy (oh, boy!) named Break the Simulation (oh, boy!) and it will be published... exclusively on Twitter. (OH, BOY!) “This is my book that I’m writing in real time,” Kanye tweeted about his Twitter book, and... wait. Was that part of the book, too? Our head hurts. Anyway, he continued, “No publisher or publicist will tell me what to put where or how many pages to write.” YEAH! Fuck a publisher! (Sorry, boss!) Kanye then punctuated his announcement by reminding us, “I will work on this ‘book’ when I feel it.” Oh, dear sweet Kanye: You have been missed! (Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to work on our book: A compilation of the last three years of rent checks we mailed to our landlord.)


SATURDAY, APRIL 21

Ah, remember the good ol’ days? When vice presidential wannabe Sarah Palin was the cream of the crazy Republican crop? And we were sure there would never, ever be anyone worse than her running for office? (Sigh. Were we ever so innocent?) Anyway, you’ll be interested to learn how SP is making moolah these days—by being an Instagram “influencer!” According to CNN, this week the former Alaska governor shared some very important news with her more than 25,000 followers. “As a busy mom I need all the energy I can get, but coffee makes me crash mid-day,” Palin awkwardly advertised. “After visiting [my daughter] Bristol recently, she raved about the @teamiblends skinny tea that she swears by.... so I gave the teas a shot—Amazing!” Palin went on to sing the praises of this skinny tea, about how much energy she derives from the product, and how it helps her “keep up” with youngest son Trig—before adding, “You can use code PALIN for 15 percent off your order!” CNN reckons, if you go by standard industry pay for influencers, Palin got roughly $250 for that post. THIS IS REALLY GOOD NEWS, DOLLS. Why? Because one day, if we’re lucky, we could be seeing Veep Mike Pence using his Instagram to shill for adult diapers. And we shall say, “HA HA HAAAAA.”


SUNDAY, APRIL 22

And finally, if you were to guess the name of John Travolta’s favorite director—the person he has most enjoyed working with over his illustrious 46-year career—who do you think John would say? Omigod, you got it right: Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst, of course! Travolta is currently filming the movie Moose with Durst, and was quoted as saying that the “I did it all for the nookie” singer “is the most generous and artistic director” he’s ever worked with. Well, that’s all we needed to hear! We cannot wait to NOT see this movie. (Because those two know what they can do with that cookie.)