MONDAY, APRIL 16

Welcome to One Day at a Time, dears... and the bruisinâ, bare-knuckled brawl between Nikki Haley and the White House! As we noted last week, Americaâs UN ambassador, Haleyâwhoâs generally one of the less-loathed members of Trumpâs motley crew of cowardly goose-steppersâgot into a teensy scuffle when she announced America would level punitive sanctions against Russia for their support of Syrian mass-murderer Bashar al-Assad. Naturally, Haleyâs very reasonable, very sensible announcement INFURIATED Trump, leading him to reportedly start screaming at his TV when he learned the news. The White House quickly claimed that Haleyâs announcement was a result of her âmomentary confusion.â (Women, right? Always getting so confused!) Haley, though, wasnât having itâquickly firing back, âWith all due respect, I donât get confused.â (SNAP.) The presidentâs national economics advisor, Larry Kudlow, hastily walked back his statement about Haleyâs âconfusion,â backpedaling to the New York Times, âAs it turns out, she was basically following what she thought was policy. The policy was changed and she wasnât told about it, so she was in a box.â And so we have, dears, yet another example of this White Houseâs incoherent policy and utter failure of communication. Heavy sigh. On the upside, hereâs to Haleyâwho joins a growing list of Trump lackeys who are finally standing up to their boss. Meanwhile, said boss, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, is slouched in a pile of Big Macs and screaming at whatever is currently on TV. Right now, itâs Tiny House Hunters.
TUESDAY, APRIL 17
Today Kendrick Lamar won a Pulitzer Prize, and for a moment, all was right in the world. While a slew of others also won the prestigious awards, including novelist Andrew Sean Greer, biographer Caroline Fraser, and the staffs of the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Portland Mercury (okay, one of those is a lie) (the Post didnât win shit), the biggest winner was Kendrick Lamar, whose album DAMN. was declared by the Pulitzer committee to be âa virtuosic song collection unified by its vernacular authenticity and rhythmic dynamism that offers affecting vignettes capturing the complexity of modern African American life.â Well, thatâs one way to characterize DAMN. A better way might be: Kendrick Lamar is so great that even the Pulitzers have to take notice. An even better version might be: Maybe everything isnât terrible after all.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18
Sick of James Comey? So are we! The former FBI director has been everywhere promoting his new memoir, and behind all his wacky Trump stories and shaky justifications for his obsession over Hillaryâs emails, thereâs been one overriding theme: Comey really likes attention. And so we come to todayâs episode of The View, in which Comey was asked who should play him in James Comey: The Movie! âThe showâs co-hosts threw out a number of suggestions, including John Cusack and Vince Vaughn,â notes The Hollywood Reporter. âWhoopi Goldberg even offered herself up, joking, âI feel I could do you justice.ââ Comey, though, had already been giving this some thought: âMy kidsâ vote would be for Kyle Chandler from Friday Night Lights,â he said, invoking not only the greatest television show ever created but also one of that showâs greatest characters, Coach Taylor. While we can sort of see a resemblance between DILF Kyle Chandler and Comey, Chandler would have to get lifts (heâs a pretty average 6â1â while Comeyâs a freakish 6â8â), and really, this makes us think the only way to make the Trump White House remotely enjoyable would be to just replace everyone involved with our beloved Friday Night Lights characters. Blustery car-dealer Buddy Garrity could be the clueless commander-in-chief, Tami Taylor could be the person everyone wishes was in charge, and Tim Riggins... well, Tim Riggins is, of course, perfect as is. He can just be Tim Riggins. Now, if youâll excuse us, we need to put down the news and go rewatch the entirety of Friday Night Lights.
THURSDAY, APRIL 19
Dears and dolls, today there is but one question on the sweaty lips of gabby Washington, DC, insiders: âWill Trumpâs lawyer/scandal fixer Michael Cohen âflipâ on the president?â Letâs go to the experts! Trump defender/lawyer Alan Dershowitz to Politico: â[Muellerâs] going to threaten [Cohen] with a long prison term and try to turn him into a canary that sings.â (All canaries can sing... but letâs move along.) According to the Wall Street Journal, longtime Trump lawyer Jay Goldberg warned the president that Cohen would âturn againstâ him, and would âcooperate with prosecutors if faced with criminal charges.â Talking Points Memoâs Josh Marshall tweeted that he had it âon good authorityâ that the âTrump kids are sure Cohen will or perhaps already folded.â The NYT chatted with Trump loyalist Roger Stone who also seems to strongly believe Cohen will âflipâ because âDonald goes out of his way to treat him like garbageââa hypothesis echoed by several sources, including former Trump aide Sam Nunberg. Hmm. These supporters seem to be in universal agreement that Michael Cohen will âflipâ when put under pressureâbut hereâs something odd: NONE of them (including Trumpâs kids) are saying that the president is innocent. After all, why would Cohen be âflippingâ unless there were actual crimes to âflipâ against? And so here we are, in a world where everyone, including the people closest to Donald Trump, are basically admitting the president is guilty as FUCK. This is why Hubby Kip wants to join Muellerâs prosecution teamâbecause heâs lazy and knows it will be the easiest money he ever makes.
FRIDAY, APRIL 20
Today will go down in history as either cause for celebration, or a harbinger of the end of civilization as we know it, because... Kanye West is back on Twitter, guys! After deactivating his account 11 months ago and erasing his history of amazingly baroque and controversial tweets (including his support for Donald Trump, #NEVERFORGET), Kanye has returned to the social media platform. But donât panic, because Kanye is still Kanye. In fact, he revealed heâll be writing a book of philosophy (oh, boy!) named Break the Simulation (oh, boy!) and it will be published... exclusively on Twitter. (OH, BOY!) âThis is my book that Iâm writing in real time,â Kanye tweeted about his Twitter book, and... wait. Was that part of the book, too? Our head hurts. Anyway, he continued, âNo publisher or publicist will tell me what to put where or how many pages to write.â YEAH! Fuck a publisher! (Sorry, boss!) Kanye then punctuated his announcement by reminding us, âI will work on this âbookâ when I feel it.â Oh, dear sweet Kanye: You have been missed! (Now if youâll excuse us, we need to work on our book: A compilation of the last three years of rent checks we mailed to our landlord.)
SATURDAY, APRIL 21
Ah, remember the good olâ days? When vice presidential wannabe Sarah Palin was the cream of the crazy Republican crop? And we were sure there would never, ever be anyone worse than her running for office? (Sigh. Were we ever so innocent?) Anyway, youâll be interested to learn how SP is making moolah these daysâby being an Instagram âinfluencer!â According to CNN, this week the former Alaska governor shared some very important news with her more than 25,000 followers. âAs a busy mom I need all the energy I can get, but coffee makes me crash mid-day,â Palin awkwardly advertised. âAfter visiting [my daughter] Bristol recently, she raved about the @teamiblends skinny tea that she swears by.... so I gave the teas a shotâAmazing!â Palin went on to sing the praises of this skinny tea, about how much energy she derives from the product, and how it helps her âkeep upâ with youngest son Trigâbefore adding, âYou can use code PALIN for 15 percent off your order!â CNN reckons, if you go by standard industry pay for influencers, Palin got roughly $250 for that post. THIS IS REALLY GOOD NEWS, DOLLS. Why? Because one day, if weâre lucky, we could be seeing Veep Mike Pence using his Instagram to shill for adult diapers. And we shall say, âHA HA HAAAAA.â
SUNDAY, APRIL 22
And finally, if you were to guess the name of John Travoltaâs favorite directorâthe person he has most enjoyed working with over his illustrious 46-year careerâwho do you think John would say? Omigod, you got it right: Limp Bizkitâs Fred Durst, of course! Travolta is currently filming the movie Moose with Durst, and was quoted as saying that the âI did it all for the nookieâ singer âis the most generous and artistic directorâ heâs ever worked with. Well, thatâs all we needed to hear! We cannot wait to NOT see this movie. (Because those two know what they can do with that cookie.)