Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, APRIL 30

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Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—which, unfortunately, has once again been hijacked by Kanye West, who still won’t shut up about his love affair with Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes. “I just love Trump. That’s my boy,” Kanye said while visiting TMZ Live, adding, “Trump is one of rap’s favorite people” and that... um... slavery was a choice? “When you hear about slavery for 400 years—for 400 years?” Kanye said. “That sounds like a choice.” Kanye then shouted across the TMZ newsroom: “Do you feel that I am being free and I am thinking free?” KANYE, WE’RE SO GLAD YOU ASKED. “I actually don’t think you’re thinking anything,” replied TMZ Senior Producer Van Lathan, who is Black, as he rose from his desk. “What you’re doing right now is actually the absence of thought.... Kanye, you’re entitled to your opinion. You’re entitled to believe whatever you want. But there is fact, and real-world, real-life consequence behind everything that you just said. While you are making music, and being an artist and living the life that you earned by being a genius, the rest of us in society have to deal with these threats to our lives. We have to deal with the marginalization that has come from the 400 years of slavery that you said, for our people, was a choice. Frankly, I’m disappointed, I’m appalled, and brother, I am unbelievably hurt by the fact that you have morphed into something, to me, that’s not real.” And with that, we hereby suggest that anytime Kanye says anything, we instead just listen to whatever Lathan’s saying. That goes for Kanye’s music, too, which, Lathan told Complex, he’s “done with.” “I can’t,” Lathan said. “Right now, I feel like listening or supporting his music would make me complicit in some of the things that are going on right now, I can’t do it. I know the music is gonna be fire, every time he drops it’s a cultural moment, it’s an event. Everyone that wants to enjoy it, they should. I can’t be one of them.” And with that, we hereby suggest that Lathan’s speech gets put on Spotify, because it’s better than anything Kanye’s put out in a decade.


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TUESDAY, MAY 1

Didn’t get enough crazy on Monday? Well, good thing we’ve got Tuesday—and Trump’s former physician, Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, who’s fucking NUTS! Wait—please hold. We’ve just been informed by the Mercury’s legal counsel (who, okay, is just an intern from Lewis & Clark) that we shouldn’t say that! Whoopsie! Okay, let’s try that again: Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, who’s allegedly fucking NUTS! That’s better. Anyway, in a set of bizarre interviews with NBC News and the New York Times, Bornstein claimed to have been booted from Trump’s inner circle and that shadowy Trump operatives conducted “a raid” of his Manhattan office that left him feeling “raped, frightened, and sad.” (Oh, for fuck’s sake.) Bornstein also revealed his laughable 2015 letter in which he claimed a senile old man who eats nothing but McDonalds would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency” was dictated by said senile old man (YOU DON’T SAY), then discussed Trump’s hair: “He has all his hair,” Bornstein told the Times, before he “slipped in a boast about his own shoulder-length coif: ‘I have all my hair.’” The Times also notes that, during their interview, a producer from CBS called Bornstein, who picked up, said, “Sweetheart, this is Watergate. Goodbye!” and hung up. (Okay. That’s officially our new go-to reply whenever Hubby Kip calls to tell us his latest stupid theory about stupid Westworld.)


WEDNESDAY, MAY 2

Let’s... let’s take a break today. After Kanye and Bornstein, we’ve all earned one. And—spoiler!—we should probably brace ourselves for the rest of the week. So just think of this as the eye of the storm, and join me in taking several calming breaths, and then join me in drinking several calming martinis.


THURSDAY, MAY 3

Question, darlings: Were you rubbing your hands in glee when Trump appointed Rudy Giuliani as his new personal attorney? Us, too! In fact, we immediately made popcorn, hopped into Hubby Kip’s recliner, and waited patiently for the fuck-up parade to begin—which arrived sooner than expected! This week Rudy dropped by Fox News to casually mention that yes, actually Trump did know that lawyer Michael Cohen paid $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels, but it’s okay! Because the president eventually “funneled” all that money back to Cohen. OH DEAR GOD WHERE DO WE BEGIN? (1) To the surprise of no one, Trump—and his secretary of bullshit, Sarah “Smokey-Eye” Sanders—have been caught lying once again. (2) The term “funneling money” is never suspicious, ever. (3) Apparently no one in the administration knew that Giuliani was going to vomit up the truth—which is hilarious. (4) By Friday, Giuliani was furiously backpedaling, claiming that (whoopsie!) he had mischaracterized the payoff, and that actually Trump’s payment was intended to stop Stormy’s “false allegations” (HA! Right) in order to “protect the president’s family” (HA! HAAAAA! Right). (5) Oh! And for those keeping score at home, thanks to Giuliani inadvertently exposing the truth, we now know that Trump has uttered over 3,000 lies since taking office, according to a tally from the Washington Post! (We know we’re not supposed to be celebrating the failures of others—but is it okay if we send Giuliani a cake?)


FRIDAY, MAY 4

The gift of Rudy Giuliani—America’s dumbest personal lawyer™—just keeps on giving! Normally when someone (like Donald Trump) is exposed as a liar, reasonable people who previously believed that person tend to re-adjust their views. But not Donald Trump fans! Instead, they double down. Not long after Giuliani’s bungled announcement, someone on Twitter who calls herself “Sassy Southern Diva” (eye roll) screeched the following at sex-positive businesswoman Stormy Daniels: “You’re disgusting and do not represent classy women AT ALL!” OH BUT IT GETS BETTER, because Trump fan and former funny person Roseanne Barr jumped in with a weak sauce attempt to slut-shame Stormy, tweeting “she’s known for anal porn scenes.” Now’s a good time to mention that ratings for Roseanne’s show fell 23 percent this week—which should be a greater concern than who’s having anal sex... which, by the way, is awesome. (Don’t @ us, we’re married.) Anyway, Stormy came in fast and hard with the smackdown: “I don’t even do anal movies, you ignorant twat,” she giddily clapped back. “That’s like saying you are known for your beautiful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.” BAM! And OUCH! That’s some A-plus shade right there. Hmm... maybe if Stormy wrote for Roseanne, the ratings would improve. (Double shade!)


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SATURDAY, MAY 5

Like you, we’re very interested in who Rihanna is currently boning—and especially if the one being boned is Drake. A couple of years ago, the pair were suspected of hopping the train to Bonetown after Drake romantically purchased a billboard congratulating her for receiving the 2016 MTV Video Vanguard award. Since then we’ve wondered, “Did a boning ever take place?” Well, Rihanna answered that burning question in an interview with Vogue this week, confessing that, actually, she was “uncomfortable” with Drake’s very public display of affection. Okay, fine... but maybe they’ll bone in the future? “We don’t have a friendship now,” she said, driving a final nail into Drake’s coffin. “But we’re not enemies either. It is what it is.Yeeeeeesh. IN A RELATED STORY... A speeding express train to Bonetown jumped the tracks today, resulting in a disappointing explosion of nothing. According to officials, a single bone was the only casualty—and we can all guess who that belonged to.


SUNDAY, MAY 6

As you may have heard, failed presidential contender Mitt Romney is currently running for a senate seat in his adopted state of Utah. Unfortunately for his campaign, he’s still using his mouth to speak. “My favorite meat is hot dog, by the way. That is my favorite meat,” he told supporters at a campaign dinner in a sad attempt to cast himself as a regular, non-fabulously wealthy person. “My second favorite meat is hamburger. And, everyone says, oh, don’t you prefer steak? It’s like, I know steaks are great, but I like hot dog best, and I like hamburger next best.” For reaction and analysis, we now turn to occasional Mercury guest columnist, the Incredible Hulk: “Hot dog meat am good,” Hulk opined, “but puny Romney dumb for thinking hot dog meat am better than steak meat or hamburger meat! Hamburger meat best. Steak meat next best. Hot dog meat third best! Salad meat distant fourth.”