MONDAY, APRIL 30

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dearsâwhich, unfortunately, has once again been hijacked by Kanye West, who still wonât shut up about his love affair with Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes. âI just love Trump. Thatâs my boy,â Kanye said while visiting TMZ Live, adding, âTrump is one of rapâs favorite peopleâ and that... um... slavery was a choice? âWhen you hear about slavery for 400 yearsâfor 400 years?â Kanye said. âThat sounds like a choice.â Kanye then shouted across the TMZ newsroom: âDo you feel that I am being free and I am thinking free?â KANYE, WEâRE SO GLAD YOU ASKED. âI actually donât think youâre thinking anything,â replied TMZ Senior Producer Van Lathan, who is Black, as he rose from his desk. âWhat youâre doing right now is actually the absence of thought.... Kanye, youâre entitled to your opinion. Youâre entitled to believe whatever you want. But there is fact, and real-world, real-life consequence behind everything that you just said. While you are making music, and being an artist and living the life that you earned by being a genius, the rest of us in society have to deal with these threats to our lives. We have to deal with the marginalization that has come from the 400 years of slavery that you said, for our people, was a choice. Frankly, Iâm disappointed, Iâm appalled, and brother, I am unbelievably hurt by the fact that you have morphed into something, to me, thatâs not real.â And with that, we hereby suggest that anytime Kanye says anything, we instead just listen to whatever Lathanâs saying. That goes for Kanyeâs music, too, which, Lathan told Complex, heâs âdone with.â âI canât,â Lathan said. âRight now, I feel like listening or supporting his music would make me complicit in some of the things that are going on right now, I canât do it. I know the music is gonna be fire, every time he drops itâs a cultural moment, itâs an event. Everyone that wants to enjoy it, they should. I canât be one of them.â And with that, we hereby suggest that Lathanâs speech gets put on Spotify, because itâs better than anything Kanyeâs put out in a decade.

TUESDAY, MAY 1
Didnât get enough crazy on Monday? Well, good thing weâve got Tuesdayâand Trumpâs former physician, Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, whoâs fucking NUTS! Waitâplease hold. Weâve just been informed by the Mercuryâs legal counsel (who, okay, is just an intern from Lewis & Clark) that we shouldnât say that! Whoopsie! Okay, letâs try that again: Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, whoâs allegedly fucking NUTS! Thatâs better. Anyway, in a set of bizarre interviews with NBC News and the New York Times, Bornstein claimed to have been booted from Trumpâs inner circle and that shadowy Trump operatives conducted âa raidâ of his Manhattan office that left him feeling âraped, frightened, and sad.â (Oh, for fuckâs sake.) Bornstein also revealed his laughable 2015 letter in which he claimed a senile old man who eats nothing but McDonalds would be âthe healthiest individual ever elected to the presidencyâ was dictated by said senile old man (YOU DONâT SAY), then discussed Trumpâs hair: âHe has all his hair,â Bornstein told the Times, before he âslipped in a boast about his own shoulder-length coif: âI have all my hair.ââ The Times also notes that, during their interview, a producer from CBS called Bornstein, who picked up, said, âSweetheart, this is Watergate. Goodbye!â and hung up. (Okay. Thatâs officially our new go-to reply whenever Hubby Kip calls to tell us his latest stupid theory about stupid Westworld.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 2
Letâs... letâs take a break today. After Kanye and Bornstein, weâve all earned one. Andâspoiler!âwe should probably brace ourselves for the rest of the week. So just think of this as the eye of the storm, and join me in taking several calming breaths, and then join me in drinking several calming martinis.
THURSDAY, MAY 3
Question, darlings: Were you rubbing your hands in glee when Trump appointed Rudy Giuliani as his new personal attorney? Us, too! In fact, we immediately made popcorn, hopped into Hubby Kipâs recliner, and waited patiently for the fuck-up parade to beginâwhich arrived sooner than expected! This week Rudy dropped by Fox News to casually mention that yes, actually Trump did know that lawyer Michael Cohen paid $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels, but itâs okay! Because the president eventually âfunneledâ all that money back to Cohen. OH DEAR GOD WHERE DO WE BEGIN? (1) To the surprise of no one, Trumpâand his secretary of bullshit, Sarah âSmokey-Eyeâ Sandersâhave been caught lying once again. (2) The term âfunneling moneyâ is never suspicious, ever. (3) Apparently no one in the administration knew that Giuliani was going to vomit up the truthâwhich is hilarious. (4) By Friday, Giuliani was furiously backpedaling, claiming that (whoopsie!) he had mischaracterized the payoff, and that actually Trumpâs payment was intended to stop Stormyâs âfalse allegationsâ (HA! Right) in order to âprotect the presidentâs familyâ (HA! HAAAAA! Right). (5) Oh! And for those keeping score at home, thanks to Giuliani inadvertently exposing the truth, we now know that Trump has uttered over 3,000 lies since taking office, according to a tally from the Washington Post! (We know weâre not supposed to be celebrating the failures of othersâbut is it okay if we send Giuliani a cake?)
FRIDAY, MAY 4
The gift of Rudy GiulianiâAmericaâs dumbest personal lawyerâ˘âjust keeps on giving! Normally when someone (like Donald Trump) is exposed as a liar, reasonable people who previously believed that person tend to re-adjust their views. But not Donald Trump fans! Instead, they double down. Not long after Giulianiâs bungled announcement, someone on Twitter who calls herself âSassy Southern Divaâ (eye roll) screeched the following at sex-positive businesswoman Stormy Daniels: âYouâre disgusting and do not represent classy women AT ALL!â OH BUT IT GETS BETTER, because Trump fan and former funny person Roseanne Barr jumped in with a weak sauce attempt to slut-shame Stormy, tweeting âsheâs known for anal porn scenes.â Nowâs a good time to mention that ratings for Roseanneâs show fell 23 percent this weekâwhich should be a greater concern than whoâs having anal sex... which, by the way, is awesome. (Donât @ us, weâre married.) Anyway, Stormy came in fast and hard with the smackdown: âI donât even do anal movies, you ignorant twat,â she giddily clapped back. âThatâs like saying you are known for your beautiful rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.â BAM! And OUCH! Thatâs some A-plus shade right there. Hmm... maybe if Stormy wrote for Roseanne, the ratings would improve. (Double shade!)

SATURDAY, MAY 5
Like you, weâre very interested in who Rihanna is currently boningâand especially if the one being boned is Drake. A couple of years ago, the pair were suspected of hopping the train to Bonetown after Drake romantically purchased a billboard congratulating her for receiving the 2016 MTV Video Vanguard award. Since then weâve wondered, âDid a boning ever take place?â Well, Rihanna answered that burning question in an interview with Vogue this week, confessing that, actually, she was âuncomfortableâ with Drakeâs very public display of affection. Okay, fine... but maybe theyâll bone in the future? âWe donât have a friendship now,â she said, driving a final nail into Drakeâs coffin. âBut weâre not enemies either. It is what it is.â Yeeeeeesh. IN A RELATED STORY... A speeding express train to Bonetown jumped the tracks today, resulting in a disappointing explosion of nothing. According to officials, a single bone was the only casualtyâand we can all guess who that belonged to.
SUNDAY, MAY 6
As you may have heard, failed presidential contender Mitt Romney is currently running for a senate seat in his adopted state of Utah. Unfortunately for his campaign, heâs still using his mouth to speak. âMy favorite meat is hot dog, by the way. That is my favorite meat,â he told supporters at a campaign dinner in a sad attempt to cast himself as a regular, non-fabulously wealthy person. âMy second favorite meat is hamburger. And, everyone says, oh, donât you prefer steak? Itâs like, I know steaks are great, but I like hot dog best, and I like hamburger next best.â For reaction and analysis, we now turn to occasional Mercury guest columnist, the Incredible Hulk: âHot dog meat am good,â Hulk opined, âbut puny Romney dumb for thinking hot dog meat am better than steak meat or hamburger meat! Hamburger meat best. Steak meat next best. Hot dog meat third best! Salad meat distant fourth.â