MONDAY, MAY 14

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where whenever you think the world can’t possibly get any worse, it somehow... does? Kind of impressive, when you think about it! Or when you decide not to think about it, and instead have six martinis for breakfast. *hic* ANYWAYS... While belligerent buffoon Donald Trump (who, as we’re ever so fond of reminding anyone in earshot, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) continues to tweet and tantrum across the world stage, rumor has it that someone is challenging his regressive reign! Alas, that someone is Vice President Mike Pence, who’s somehow even more regressive than Trump. (Again: kind of impressive, when you think about... hey, where’d we put our cocktail glass?) “Republican officials now see Mr. Pence as seeking to exercise expansive control over a political party ostensibly helmed by Mr. Trump,” reports the New York Times! “Even as he laces his public remarks with praise for the president, Mr. Pence and his influential chief of staff, Nick Ayers, are unsettling a group of Mr. Trump’s fierce loyalists who fear they are forging a separate power base.” We really aren’t up for going into all the ways Pence is even scarier than Trump, so we’ll just sum all this up: UGH. Of all the people in the White House, why couldn’t anyone else have started a shadow government? Like maybe Benny, the 17-year-old intern who gives tours of the White House and is really good at Fortnite? Say what you will about Benny’s acne and BO (god knows Sarah Huckabee Sanders never stops giving him shit), but at least the kid taped that “KICK ME” sign on Rudy Giuliani last week. We’re pretty sure his shadow government would mostly be concerned with ordering pizzas and hiding Giuliani’s keys.

TUESDAY, MAY 15

Today was Election Day in Oregon, and things went pretty well! “Women candidates—many of them political newcomers—took home the majority of votes cast during Tuesday’s primary election,” wrote Portland Mercury News Editor Alex Zielinski! “In the words of Jo Ann Hardesty, who led the race to take retiring Commissioner Dan Saltzman’s seat in city council, Portland’s women are no longer staying ‘quiet.’” In addition to Hardesty—who will face a runoff election in November with Multnomah County Commissioner Loretta Smith—other winners included Susheela Jayapal, who will represent North Portlanders on the Multnomah County Board of Commissioners, and Shemia Fagan, whose advocacy for equitable housing carried her to a strong victory over stodgy incumbent Sen. Rod Monroe. “The diversity of the candidates in my race—in all of the local races—is amazing,” Jayapal said. “By that metric alone, we’ve already won.” Hey, look at that! Maybe things are looking up—even if only locally. We’ll take it.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 16

“The judge in the Eagle Creek Fire case has ordered the teen boy who admitted to starting the blaze to pay $36.6 million in restitution,” OPB reported this week. The fire—which burned more than 45,000 acres of the Columbia River Gorge last September—is still a hot issue for Portlanders (sorry not sorry), some of whom cheered the ruling, and others who pointed out that, uh, $36.6 million is a pretty insane fine to throw at a dumb kid with a dumb firework. Regardless, the ruling won’t bring back the fire-ravaged parts of the Gorge, and it also won’t keep dumb kids from doing dumb stuff. For a more reasonable solution, we now turn to Benny, who’s on his lunch break between tours of the Roosevelt Room! “In my shadow government, Judge Dredd will serve as judge, jury, and executioner,” Benny told us over Skype. “But that’ll only be, like, in bad crimes, like murder, or cheating at Fortnite. Maybe that kid should just not be allowed to play video games for a few weeks? I mean, geez, I’m 17, and I have a job, and there’s no way I could pay $36.6 million! Especially since I still owe my weed dealer like 40 bucks. Wait, don’t print that.”

THURSDAY, MAY 17

It’s true: We have complicated feelings about the internet. On one hand: cute animal pics! On the other: A reeking, pungent, garbage fire of racism, sexism, and Instagram’d lunches. However, there is one thing the internet excels at, and that’s dragging horrible people—such as Manhattan lawyer Aaron Schlossberg, who was recorded threatening to call ICE officers on employees speaking Spanish in a New York café. Not only did this grotesque, racist POS get his ass handed to him by thousands of rightfully outraged folks online (who made sure his law firm received a one-star Yelp review), the following happened as well: The building where Schlossberg kept a part-time firm evicted him; numerous complaints have been filed against him to the New York State Bar Association; protesters threw a Latin-themed party (complete with Mariachi band) outside his home; and when confronted by a NBC News camera team on the street, Schlossberg panicked, and ran away just like you’d expect a morally bankrupt coward to do. INTERNET JUSTICE, friends. For racists like Schlossberg, it’s what’s for dinner.

FRIDAY, MAY 18

Today 10 people were murdered in the latest of America’s string of school shootings, this time at Santa Fe High School in Texas. It was the 22nd school shooting of the year—we’re only in the 20th week—and the 101st mass shooting in America since the start of 2018. The overwhelming number of these shootings is no longer a surprise, especially to the children who survive this carnage. “It’s been happening everywhere,” said Santa Fe student Paige Curry, according to the New York Times. “I’ve always kind of felt it was going to happen here, too.” Just after the shooting, Houston Police Chief Art Acevedo wrote on Facebook that we should be asking “God’s forgiveness for our inaction,” especially those politicians who “called for prayers and will once again do absolutely nothing.” One abysmal example is Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, who blamed the national epidemic of shootings on just about everything except gun nuts, including taking religious education out of the classroom (don’t they have churches for that?), too many entrances and exits in schools (forget gun control—we need door control!), and abortion (gun rights > women’s health). Apparently, America suffers from a second epidemic as well: toxic masculinity (like Patrick’s) in positions of power. We’re not saying they’re aren’t women gun nuts out there (hi, NRA’s Dana Loesch!), but it’s hard to imagine that a congress or state legislature filled with women would allow such a deadly situation to continue. Ladies who can, you know what to do: Run for office, and let’s put a stop to this.

SATURDAY, MAY 19

Okay, FINE. Fine, fine, fine, fine, FINE. Yes, we admit to repeatedly pooh-poohing the Royal Wedding in this column and we may have even referred to Harry as “some random ginger prince” and bride Meghan Markle as a “random USA Network TV star.” But in our defense, Americans are supposed to disparage the British, and absolutely no one we know watches Suits! That being said: FINE. The Royal Wedding was kind of... great. And sweet! And most shockingly, royally woke: Meghan, who’s biracial, was joined by her Black mother (whose dreadlocks were on beautiful, regal display beneath her pillbox hat); Bishop Michael Curry—the first African American leader of the Episcopal Church—gave a soaring, bombastic sermon on love; and singer Karen Gibson, backed by London gospel group Kingdom Choir, delivered a joyful, exuberant rendition of Ben E. King’s “Stand by Me.” This was definitely not one of the oppressively white, royal affairs of the past—as was evidenced by the couple’s exit from Windsor Castle. According to Salamishah Tillet writing for the New York Times, “Interspersed among the crowd’s gleeful cheers, there was a cacophony of Black women offering up another song—ululations recognized as congratulatory greetings throughout the African diaspora—to welcome Ms. Markle and her new husband home.” As stated earlier... FINE. We were wrong, okay? Now pass us that tissue, dammit.

SUNDAY, MAY 20

Dab those tears, you saps—we’re not done yet! Because this Royal Wedding was also awash in a sea of gorgeously frocked celebs! Among those in attendance included Oprah(!), our former imaginary boyfriend George Clooney and former arch-nemesis Amal Clooney, Serena Williams(!), Elton John(!), Posh Spice (Victoria Beckham!), a bunch of Meghan’s indistinguishable cast mates from Suits, Jacinda Barrett (from the London cast of MTV’s The Real World, OF COURSE), hot-as-fuck actor Idris Elba (who helped DJ the reception SQUEEE!!), and best of all, Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry’s EX-GIRLFRIEND (awwkwarrd)! So not only have we changed our mind, we’re declaring this THE BEST WEDDING EVER!! (Whoops, almost forgot: Someone named “the Queen” was there, too.)