MONDAY, MAY 21

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears... where A MYSTICAL PORTAL TO THE NETHER-REGIONS OF HELL is sucking all mortals into its slavering maw! Oh, wait—sorry. It’s just a sinkhole on the White House lawn. “Eyewitnesses first saw the sinkhole on the grassy North Lawn on Saturday,” reported CNN—but before anyone could get too excited about the Trump White House being consumed by a vengeful Earth and forgotten forever, CNN added that “the first family, staff, reporters, and visitors shouldn’t worry about being swallowed up—it’s unlikely that the hole will grow much bigger—and it can be easily filled in with cement grout.” Hmph. NOW... As we’ve written before, dears—when a sinkhole opened near Portland’s Buckman Elementary—anyone who’s anyone has seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and anyone who’s seen Buffy knows “sinkholes” are actually “Hellmouths,” and Hellmouths are opened by dripping sacrificial blood on the Seal of Danzalthar! Now, we aren’t here to cast any aspersions on anyone in the White House—we would never!—but, y’know... just saying. MEANWHILE, IN HELL... “At long last, chaos shall reign!” bellowed the immortal snake-demon Danzalthar! “Beneath the feet of my most trusted servants, existence itself hath been torn asunder! Let the skies darken and the seas boil! Let the air burn and the... the... what? What are you talking about, ‘easily filled in with cement grout’?”

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MONEY TALKS Handout / Getty Images

TUESDAY, MAY 22

One bag of cement grout later, something else is being torn asunder—the fragile truce between oppressive dictator Kim Jong-Un and accidental president Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes. While the two were planning to discuss North Korea’s nuclear disarmament, their summit was canceled... but not before some dummies made some stupid commemorative coins. “The coins, issued by the White House Communications Agency, a military unit assigned to the president, feature likenesses of the two leaders, referring to Mr. Kim as ‘Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un,’” notes the New York Times. “Some faulted the United States for honoring a dictator who runs a repressive regime.” Stamped with the words “PEACE TALKS” and some remarkably unflattering representations of Trump and Kim, the now-meaningless coins are presumably just... sitting somewhere? Maybe the dummies who made them can sell them to some other dummies! Like Hubby Kip, who would doubtlessly buy a bag of them and then try to use them at Dave & Buster’s.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 23

Years ago, a brilliant, hilarious show called Arrested Development delighted all who saw it. Naturally, it was canceled, but that only caused its legend to grow... eventually inspiring Netflix to revive it! Except that revival was terrible and unfunny and everyone hated it. The End. OH, IF ONLY... Alas, that is not the end, because Netflix has now made even more Arrested Development—and in an ill-advised interview with the New York Times, pretty much every man in the cast fell over himself to excuse the despicable behavior of costar Jeffrey Tambor, which includes being accused by two trans women of harassing them on the set of Transparent AND a “blowup” with his Arrested costar, Jessica Walter, who said of the incident, “In, like, almost 60 years of working, I’ve never had anybody yell at me like that on a set.” All of this sounds awful—Walter was crying when discussing the incident with NYT—and yet? Tambor’s oblivious BFFs Jason Bateman, Tony Hale, David Cross, and Will Arnett ignored Walter, instead praising Tambor and mansplaining that “atypical behavior” is just, you know, part of Hollywood. “But that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable,” interrupted Alia Shawkat, who is the best. “And the point is that things are changing, and people need to respect each other differently.” While Bateman, Cross, and Hale later apologized, it felt like too little, too late. “I was reminded that this is the case in many workplaces, not just show business,” wrote NPR’s Linda Holmes, pointing out this conversation was especially terrible because “the disrespect felt so benign in the delivery and so destructive in the effect.... Seeing a woman so brilliant withstand repeated efforts, by people who say they love her, to recast her experiences as normal when she knew they were not? It was a lot to take.” Yes, what Holmes said, and what Shawkat said, and also, quick reminder: One of the great things about this golden age of TV is that there’s always something else to watch. Instead of Arrested Development, we recommend anything else.

THURSDAY, MAY 24

As you may have heard, darlings, the NFL announced yesterday they’re going to fine teams if a player practices his First Amendment rights by kneeling during the national anthem—a decision hailed by authoritarian shit-pile Donald J. Trump. Now as we all know, the NFL is a toxic, alpha male-dominated concussion factory—but tweets composed today by rapper El-P from Run the Jewels put an extra fine point on it. According to El-P, the NFL approached the hip-hop duo earlier this year to secure rights for their song “Legend Has It” to play during the Super Bowl. Their response? “We said no, because fuck them,” El-P wrote. “They operate like they’re an indispensible utility. They aren’t. They are gone with the flip of the channel.” And in case you’re wondering how much money the NFL offered the pair for their song, El-P dropped that knowledge as well. “That would be zero dollars,” he wrote, adding that even in the best of scenarios, Run the Jewels had no intention of enriching “a private, racist, and for-profit company that masquerades as a nonprofit.” We’d ask the NFL for a response, but since they don’t care about First Amendment rights, they can keep their opinions to themselves.

FRIDAY, MAY 25

Have you noticed how stingy the world’s been lately about doling out good news? So when we get some, let’s really savor it. Today, disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein was arrested, put in handcuffs, and paraded past photographers to appear in court and face multiple charges of sexual assault. As you recall, Weinstein used his power for decades to harass and assault women—some famous, some not—then used that same prestige to silence them. The growing number of accusations helped spawn the #MeToo movement, which has made substantial progress in dampening the predatory practices of abusive men across a variety of industries. But the image of Weinstein under police guard and being marched into court? That holds impact. “I have to admit I didn’t think I would see a day when he would have handcuffs on him,” said actress Rose McGowan, one of the first women to step forward and expose Weinstein’s crimes. “I have a visceral need for him to have handcuffs on.” And now he does. A date has yet to be set for Weinstein’s trial, which will surely bring more twists and turns to this story—but savor this moment, sweeties. Because as McGowan tweeted this morning after seeing her abuser bound in handcuffs, “We got you, Harvey Weinstein. We got you.”

MRS. SLIM SHADY? Dimitrios Kambouris / Getty Images

SATURDAY, MAY 26

Now that the surprisingly enjoyable Royal Wedding is in the past, we realize we need a thousand more royal weddings—which is probably why the internet flipped its collective wig after Nicki Minaj announced she was dating Eminem. On Instagram, Nicki previewed a lyric she performed on a musical collaboration called “Big Bank” with Eminem, which went like this: “Told them I met Slim Shady, bag the Em/Once he go Black, he’ll be back again.” Justifiably intrigued, a fan asked if Nicki was dating Eminem, and she responded, “Yes.” AND THE INTERNET WAS LIKE, “WHAAAT?” Almost immediately Eminem threw a couple more gallons of gas on this fire by responding, “Girl, you know it’s true.” AND THE INTERNET WAS LIKE, “OH SHIIIIIT!” But the situation went nuclear when Nicki came back with, “Babe, I thought we were gonna keep it on the low til the wedding. Yikes. I’ll talk to you when I get home.” CUE WORLDWIDE INTERNET FREAKOUT AND MAKING PLANS FOR THE COMING RAP ROYAL WEDDING!! But, because we can’t have nice things, it all turned out to be a joke—and the pair admitted they were only goofing. AND THE INTERNET WAS LIKE, “BOOOOOOO,” AND THEN ATE ICE CREAM WHILE REWATCHING YOUTUBE CLIPS OF MEGHAN AND HARRY’S CARRIAGE RIDE, AND CRIED THEMSELVES TO SLEEP. (At least that’s what we did. Sniff.)

SUNDAY, MAY 27

And finally, let’s end this week with some welcome but TMI advice from actor William H. Macy. The star of Showtime’s Shameless told Us Weekly that instead of chasing off his 16- and 17-year-old daughters’ new boyfriends, he’s rooting for his girls to have super hot sex. “I thought, ‘Okay, what do you really want for your daughters?’” Macy said. “And I realized: I want them to be happy, lusty, and safe. I want them to have a lot of sex in their lifetime! Good, healthy, wonderful sex with no guilt.” William, on behalf of the daughters of the world, we thank you for your open, forward-thinking attitude. Also on behalf of the daughters of the world... EWWWWW! Shut up, Dad! You’re embarrassing us! Don’t you have a garage door opener to install?