MONDAY, JUNE 11
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where we’re digging into Rand Paul’s yard garbage! (You’re welcome!) The curly haired, 55-year-old Paul—who launched a deeply embarrassing bid for the presidency in 2016—has two hobbies: golfing with his former nemesis/current overlord, Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), and trolling Rene Boucher, Paul’s 60-year-old neighbor in Bowling Green, Kentucky! “It is said the disagreement over yard debris dates back to September 2017, when Paul piled a 10-foot-wide stack of limbs onto a spot near Boucher’s property,” the AP notes. After a fuming Boucher had the pile disposed of, “Two more piles of debris appeared in the same month”—leading an increasingly angry Boucher to try to burn the branches! BAD CALL. “Boucher used gasoline and suffered second-degree burns,” says the AP—and while Paul could have sent a get-well card, he instead “used his lawnmower to blow leaves onto Boucher’s yard and then made another branch pile in the same spot.” Shortly afterward, says the New York Times, “Mr. Paul was mowing his lawn in Bowling Green while wearing headphones when Mr. Boucher ran over and tackled the lawmaker.” Paul, who is apparently very fragile, suffered multiple fractured ribs in this tremendously dumb fight, and this week, Boucher was sentenced to 30 days in prison. “I commend the FBI and the Department of Justice for treating this violent, premeditated assault with the seriousness it deserves,” Paul said. Exactly, Rand Paul! Let us never understate the seriousness of this event, in which two old men went to war over tree branches, leading to fractured ribs, second-degree burns, and a reminder that this, darlings, after six million years of evolution, is the current state of humanity.
TUESDAY, JUNE 12
“The past does not have to define the future,” Donald Trump proclaimed in Singapore after meeting with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un and unveiling an “agreement” between the nations! “As history has proved over and over, adversaries can become friends.” While those are certainly some very nice words that someone wrote and then tricked Trump into saying, the Washington Post noted something else: “Despite the bonhomie, the agreement, just over a page long, was perhaps most notable for its lack of details,” the Post pointed out. “Kim made no specific commitment to relinquish his nuclear arms and ballistic missiles and gave no timeline for which he would do so,” and major issues, like “the North’s brutal human rights abuses and the economic sanctions imposed by the United States, were not addressed.” In other words? This cute photo op accomplished nothing—aside from legitimizing Kim, who has assassinated hundreds (including, CNN notes, a defense minister who was slaughtered “with an anti-aircraft gun at a military school in Pyongyang, in front of an audience”) and rules a nation in which 41 percent of the population is undernourished. “I think the meeting was every bit as good for the United States as it was for North Korea,” Trump bragged, noting he and Kim have “a very special bond.” And when asked why the summit failed to actually accomplish anything, he had an explanation! “Because there’s no time,” Trump said. “I’m here one day.” Hey, fair enough! We wouldn’t want Trump and Rand Paul to miss tomorrow’s tee time.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13
Great news, Amazon Prime members: Amazon now owns Seattle! “In a humiliating reversal, the Seattle City Council voted to repeal an employee hours tax passed unanimously less than a month ago, pleasing large businesses and leaving service providers wondering where the local government will get the money it desperately needs to solve the housing crisis,” wrote Steven Hsieh at the Mercury’s sister paper, The Stranger. Facing furious threats from the likes of Amazon and Starbucks, Seattle leaders erased the ordinance, which “would have collected $275 per employee from businesses grossing more than $20 million annually, about three percent of businesses in Seattle,” Hsieh wrote. The repeal of the tax—which would have raised $47.5 million a year for affordable housing—was hailed by Amazon as “the right decision for the region’s economic prosperity.” Seattle city councilor Kshama Sawant—one of only two councilors brave enough to stand up to Amazon—had a less bullshitty response, calling the repeal a “cowardly betrayal” of the working class and a “capitulation” to the corporate, moneyed interests that are taking over the Pacific Northwest. Hey, we love free two-day shipping too—but y’know what? We’re with Sawant on this one.
THURSDAY, JUNE 14
In a revelation that made Hillary Clinton do her best shoulder-shake happy dance, today the Justice Department Inspector General released a scathing report blasting James Comey, saying the former FBI chief screwed up bigly when, days before the 2016 election, he made the grandstanding announcement that he was reopening the investigation into the nominee’s nonexistent email scandal. Clinton later accused Comey of sinking her campaign and delivering Trump to the White House. Since then, Comey has been on a national book reputation overhaul tour and writing annoyingly vague anti-Trump tweets that wax poetic about “honor” and “democracy.” Yeah... your words might’ve been pretty inspiring, James—IF THEY WEREN’T WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO HELPED PRODUCE OUR CURRENT SHITSHOW. (Can someone please start a “lock him up” chant?) MEANWHILE... Ever since their photo-op summit, Trump has suddenly had very kind words to say about murderous dictator Kim Jong Un, because... of course he fucking does. Today was no different: “He’s the head of the country,” Trump told his third-best pal (following Putin and Kim) Fox & Friends. “He speaks and his people sit up and pay attention. I want my people to do the same.” When alerted that this was a very despot-y thing to say, he claimed he was just “joking.” Maybe he was joking—but this time he was definitely not lying.
FRIDAY, JUNE 15
The Hollywood Reporter released their “40(ish) Most Powerful People in Comedy” list this week, in which the mag profiles the industry’s biggest laugh-makers (such as Issa Rae, Donald Glover, Tina Fey, Judd Apatow, and more) and asked them to answer a very insipid questionnaire. To the surprise of no one, the beloved Amy Poehler won the article (and the day) with her dark, stinging, giving-not-a-single-shit answers. Here are some of Amy’s best responses: My most memorable heckler... “Who cares? The whole world is on fire.” Dream product endorsement: “A giant whale just died in Thailand after eating 80 plastic bags.” Guilty pleasure: “Let’s not forget over 4,600 people have died in Puerto Rico.” College comedy audiences are... “Kids that are afraid they will be shot in their own schools.” The funniest thing about the Trump administration is... “Are you kidding me?” Oh dear god, WE LOVE YOU, AMY POEHLER! (P.S. Call us if you want to share a Zoloft prescription.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 16
ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT! Beyoncé and her hubby Mr. Beyoncé dropped a new album tonight, and the Beyhive went INSANE. (Imagine the sound of a million bees screaming SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!) Titled Everything Is Love, the surprise album features duets from the famous pair that, for some strange reason, was recorded under the name of “the Carters” instead of Mrs. and Mr. Beyoncé—but who are we to question the wisdom of the Queen? Anyway, soon after the Beyhive went SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!, they went SQUEEEEEEEEE!!! again after learning that Mrs. and Mr. B had also released “Apeshit,” the first video from the album. Naturally, the video is AH-MAY-ZING, spotlighting Bey in full-blown rapping fury, spitting lines about fame and gratitude with such ferocity, Mr. Bey can’t do anything but look on in loving fascination. Plus, the video was shot in the famed Louvre museum, which, as we all know, France bequeathed to Beyoncé (along with every classic work of art) in return for her giving the world Lemonade. [This may not be true, but it should be true, right?]
SUNDAY, JUNE 17
It’s Father’s Day and Trump celebrated by continuing to separate thousands of immigrant children from their parents and throw them in cages. (We sound very Amy Poehler-ish today, don’t we?) These cruel and abusive attempts to curb immigration have not only been heavily criticized around the globe, but according to pediatricians could be inflicting permanent psychological damage on these imprisoned children. But even though the policy was implemented by the White House, according to them, none of this is Trump’s fault. According to Trump in a series of blatantly false tweets, the idea for caging children was actually dreamed up by the Democrats. Meanwhile, Senior White House Jump-Scare Goblin Kellyanne Conway appeared on Meet the Press claiming that actually, “no one likes separating families”—even though the president could change his own policy if he wanted to. This was followed by babbling insane person Rudy Giuliani, who popped up on Face the Nation to proclaim that actually it was Jeff Sessions’ idea, and Trump was just the recipient of bad advice. And the day was perfectly capped off after embattled Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen tweeted that actually, “We do not have a policy of separating families at the border. Period.” You know... say what you will about the Nazis, but at least they could keep their stories straight.