Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, JULY 2

NOBODY ASKED YOU Joshua Lott/Getty Images

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—your treasured and beloved rundown of everything that’s gone horrifically wrong in the past week, because welp, that’s just how 2018 is. But... wait. What’s this? Good news? It’s true! “After 10 days trapped in a flooded cave complex in northern Thailand, and after an enormous search effort that had transfixed Thailand... 12 boys and their soccer coach had finally been found in Tham Luang Cave on Monday,” reports the New York Times! After the miraculous survival and discovery of the boys and their coach, rescuers now face another challenge—getting them out while working against thinning air, rising water levels, and submerged passages. SO NATURALLY... Billionaire nerd Elon Musk knows just how to do it, even though no one asked him. After sending engineers from his companies Tesla, SpaceX, and the Boring Company to Thailand, Musk hopped on Twitter to brainstorm ideas, suggesting he could build “a tiny, kid-size submarine” or a nylon tube he could weave “through cave network & inflate with air like a bouncy castle.” Naturally, we’re sure Musk’s showy humanitarian gestures couldn’t possibly be intended to divert attention from recent allegations of safety violations at Tesla plants... but still. Every single one of these boys better get their own kid-sized submarine out of this deal.


TUESDAY, JULY 3

Sure, the Supreme Court is poised to destroy all of America’s progress, and yes, climate change is making the planet unable to sustain basic life... but y’know what? It’s important to find the little pleasures where you can. Like, for instance, the fact that a film-production company has been trying to secretly make a pro-life movie about Roe v. Wade... but no one wants any part of it. The film (which stars... uh... Jon Voight and Steve Guttenberg as two Supreme Court justices?) keeps losing actors! “Actors have walked away once they realized there was a pro-life tilt to the film,” notes the Hollywood Reporter, adding that the unnamed female director “quit on the first day of shooting” as other cast and crew fled, including the film’s location manager, who wrote, “I have been doing research on the movie trying to figure out who is producing and what the gist of the story is, and I finally found it, and so I am withdrawing from this project. I am a staunch pro-abortion feminist activist, and I will not be party to such horrible propaganda.” Kudos to those who have left—and to those remaining? Uh, enjoy hanging out with Steve Guttenberg, we guess.


WEDNESDAY, JULY 4

Now that we’ve all finished Googling Steve Guttenberg to remember who he is (JK! Even we didn’t bother Googling!), let’s move from Hollywood’s D-list to its A-list... and ask, “WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, SCARLETT JOHANSSON?” “Actress Scarlett Johansson is in hot water once again for her recent choice to play massage parlor owner Dante ‘Tex’ Gill in the upcoming mob drama Rub & Tug,” gabs Deadline. “The real-life Gill was born as Lois Jean Gill, but identified as a man—which is a detail in the role that has sparked backlash.” That’s putting it... mildly. Tweeteth #OscarsSoWhite’s April Reign, “Scarlett Johansson received considerable backlash for Ghost in the Shell, when she played a whitewashed Asian character. The movie tanked. Undeterred, she has teamed up WITH THE SAME DIRECTOR to play a trans male character in Rub & Tug.” Of course, ScarJo quickly apologized, realized the giant mistake she’d made (AGAIN) in appropriation and misrepresentation, and... no, sorry. That didn’t happen at all! “Tell them that they can be directed to Jeffrey Tambor, Jared Leto, and Felicity Huffman’s reps for comment,” ScarJo said in a statement to her critics. Those actors, Deadline notes, were lauded for playing transgender characters—despite not being trans themselves. Alas, ScarJo’s dismissive comeback simply doesn’t hold up. As Transparent’s Trace Lysette tweeted, “So you can continue to play us but we can’t play y’all? Hollywood is so fucked... I wouldn’t be as upset if I was getting in the same rooms as Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett for cis roles, but we know that’s not the case. A mess,” and added, “Not only do you play us and steal our narrative and our opportunity, but you pat yourselves on the back with trophies and accolades for mimicking what we have lived.” For those keeping score, that’s Lysette 1, Johansson 0, and... all right, Hollywood. SHUT IT ALL DOWN. YOU’RE DONE! (Keep making GLOW, though. We like GLOW.)


THURSDAY, JULY 5

Darlings, it’s with a heavy and joyful heart that we share the following news: Scandal-tastic EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has resigned! Regular One Day readers recognize Pruitt as the swampiest of Trump’s swamp monsters whose crimes against taxpayers include taking unwarranted first class flights, ordering his staff to pick up his dry cleaning, fancy moisturizer, and a used mattress from a Trump hotel (ewwwwwwww), and attempting to finagle his wife a Chick-fil-A franchise. These ka-razy flights of corrupt fancy often overshadowed Pruitt’s destruction of environmental protections, such as encouraging Trump to withdraw from the Paris Agreement, dismantling Obama-era regulations, and kicking scientists off EPA advisory panels in favor of his corporate pals. In short, HE IS A VERY BAD DUDE. And while he was a favorite of Trump and many conservatives, the sheer magnitude of his epic and bizarre scandals ultimately led to Pruitt’s well-deserved demise. But for those who hate the environment, polar ice caps, and—you know—breathing, don’t worry! Pruitt’s EPA successor, Andrew Wheeler, is expected to continue destroying the world in his behalf—but with less emphasis on obtaining moisturizers and soiled mattresses. (So long, Scott! Say hi to Sean Spicer and Omarosa!)


FRIDAY, JULY 6

HECKLE ME, PLZ Alex Wong/Getty Images

Speaking of attempts to drive the entire Trump administration out of town, public heckling of the president’s team of criminals is reaching an all-time high! Recently, spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Homeland Security’s Kirstjen Nielsen had very sad dining experiences thanks to some hilarious taunting from protesters—but the fun continues! According to the Washington Post, Goblin Advisor Kellyanne Conway has been booed and hissed on the street and at grocery stores and baseball games. Meanwhile, Racist Vampire Stephen Miller recently ordered sushi from a restaurant—but after getting heckled by the staff, he pitched a hissy fit and threw his dinner away. Even Soul-Eaters Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump aren’t immune from public ridicule, and have been forced to attend spin classes in the dark to avoid the jeering of onlookers. Poor babies, hee-hee-hee. NICE WORK, TEAM HECKLE! And don’t forget to taunt Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions, Betsy DeVos, Steven Mnuchin, and especially Mitch McConnell (who loves being reminded he looks like a turtle).


SATURDAY, JULY 7

For those who miss old-timey, non-political gossip, hold on to your wigs: JUSTIN BIEBER IS ENGAGED. TMZ broke the news that the mop bucket-peeing pop star turned evangelist/boring person proposed to current gal pal Hailey Baldwin in public at a restaurant in the Bahamas, after his security team told everyone to pocket their cameras because “something special was about to happen.” Unfortunately, Hailey said yes, robbing us of our greatest joy, which is watching public proposals go horribly wrong. No word yet on a wedding date, or if Justin will be shaving his wispy pornstache. “Yes, yes, yes—BUT!” you squeal impatiently. “What about his former love Selena Gomez?” Good question, dolls! According to a gabby pal speaking on the down low to Us Weekly, Selena heard all about the engagement and “does not care.” Obviously we can interpret this in two ways: (1) she cares very, very, very much, or (2) she’s breathing a HUGE sigh of relief that’s she’s not the future Mrs. Pornstache. Stay tuned for more exciting details on this engagement that will undoubtedly hit the guardrail, fly over the cliff, and explode in a magnificent ball of flames. (Like maybe by next Thursday?)


SUNDAY, JULY 8

And while Americans have been doing an admirable job of publicly humiliating Trump’s cadre of crooks (see Friday), we still have much to learn from the masters of snide insults: the British. As you may have heard, Brit PM Theresa May invited Donald Trump to Britain for a visit starting July 12—a move that outraged most of the country... because they are a decent, moral people. Rest assured, however, there will be protests aplenty in London, including, according to the New York Times, the recently approved flight of a blimp depicting Trump as a diapered, bawling baby. (It truly is an uncannily accurate representation.) London Mayor Sadiq Khan—who’s previously brawled with Trump on social media—took one look at artist Leo Murray’s plan to greet the president’s arrival by flying “Trump Baby” over the city, and approved it on the spot. While most of the British Empire thinks this blimp is a pretty hilarious idea, Nigel Farage, anti-immigrant former leader of the UK Independence Party, begged to differ. “This is the biggest insult to a sitting US president ever,” he wrote on Twitter. Did you hear that, America? It’s time to up our game! (How much would it cost to launch an anti-Trump billboard the size of a football field into orbit?)