MONDAY, JULY 9
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where we’re very concerned about George Clooney! As you know, we have a deep connection with George, in that one day we’ll be married and live happily ever after in a palatial estate in rural Italy. UNTIL THEN, he’s busy wasting time with accomplished human rights lawyer Amal Clooney (she’s fine, we guess) and—it pains us to even type this sentence—getting in scooter crashes! Clooney (who undoubtedly looked dreamy on his scooter, unlike the twee tryhards who ride scooters in Portland) was hit by a car on the Italian island of Sardinia, leading to “a slight trauma to the pelvis and bruises to one leg and an arm,” according to La Nuova Sardegna! “Clooney was driving 60 MPH when he was thrown from his bike,” notes the Hollywood Reporter, adding that our beloved “traveled 20 feet in the air before hitting the car’s windshield” and that “his helmet shattered on impact.” Hmm. While we hope George is healing wonderfully, we seem to remember from season four of Grey’s Anatomy that head injuries can sometimes lead to... amnesia? Amnesia that could make George forget he’s... married? BRB! Going to Sardinia! MEANWHILE... Last week, we wrote that billionaire dweeb Elon Musk was insisting on helping the since-rescued kids (hooray!) trapped in a flooded cave in Thailand... even though no one asked him to. And oh, how we laughed about one of his dumb ideas: a “tiny, kid-size submarine”! Ha! WELL, BUT THEN... Musk actually went to Thailand, and actually built a tiny submarine out of “rocket parts,” and... it went about as well as you’d expect. “The equipment he brought to help us is not practical for our mission,” said a deeply annoyed Narongsak Osottanakorn, the head of the search operation. “Even though the equipment has state-of-the-art technology, it does not fit our mission in the cave.” Naturally, Elon then threw his garbage submarine away and wandered off to Mars or wherever. “Leaving here in case it may be useful in the future,” Musk tweeted about the stupid thing he made that no one wanted. “Thailand is so beautiful.” It sure is, Elon! Or, you know, it was. Until some dork started leaving model submarines everywhere.
TUESDAY, JULY 10
Remember the good old days, darlings? When we whiled away afternoons writing “Mrs. George Clooney” in cursive and making fun of nerds’ submarines? Well, those days are OVER, and EVERYTHING’S AWFUL AGAIN. Sorrrreeeee! Yesterday Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) nominated “Judge Brett M. Kavanaugh, a politically connected member of Washington’s conservative legal establishment, to fill Justice Anthony M. Kennedy’s seat on the Supreme Court,” reports the New York Times, noting that Kavanaugh “has expressed strong support for executive power, hostility to administrative agencies, and support for gun rights and religious freedom.” But, the NYT adds, “there is one stance that sets Judge Kavanaugh apart, and it could not be more timely: his deep skepticism of the wisdom of forcing a sitting president to answer questions in criminal cases.” HAHHAHA. HA. HAHA! Oh, you mean like the criminal case that might soon be facing Donald Trump? Great. Because of course we needed something else to worry about, aside from a Supreme Court that’s already likely to strip away women’s rights and throw us into a dystopian spiral. Hey, Elon? Wait up! Can we go to Mars with you? We promise we won’t make fun of whatever stupid crap you build there!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 11
JK, we’re totally going to make fun of Elon’s dumbass space skateboard. ANYWAYS! Here’s a nice bit of news: The creepy schemer behind Trump’s rigged Supreme Court, Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell, got heckled out of a restaurant this week—for the “second time in two days,” reports Eater! In Louisville, “Protesters followed the senate majority leader to his dinner destination on Sunday night, blasting Public Enemy’s ‘Fight the Power’ and chanting ‘No justice, no peace.’ McConnell and his group were forced to leave Italian restaurant Sarino mid-meal due to the disturbance.... The episode follows a lunch in Louisville over the weekend, after which McConnell was chased by protesters yelling ‘Vote him out!’ ‘Abolish ICE!’ and ‘Go home!’” MEANWHILE, BEHIND GLASS... “I don’t need to eat at them fancy restaurants. I’ll eat here. I don’t even care,” drawled McConnell from his Louisville home as he gummed on a soft piece of lettuce and basked under a heat lamp. “I’ve got myself enough leafy greens to last me until the midterms.” Carefully pulling his head back into his collar, he then slowly shuffled over to his favorite rock and pooped.
THURSDAY, JULY 12
And proof that Republicans are traitorous, anti-American b-holes just keeps rolling in: Today FBI agent Peter Strzok was called before the House Oversight and Judiciary committees to answer questions about his 2016 anti-Trump texts and if his totally reasonable feelings influenced the Russia investigation. After plainly answering “nope!” Strzok was then forced to endure nine hours (NINE HOURS!!) of corrupt Trump collaborators lecturing him on “ethics.” (Do try to contain your snorts of derision.) During one of the many grandstanding speeches, House Judiciary chairman Bob Goodlatte threatened to charge Strzok with contempt after the agent refused to answer questions about the Russia probe—even though the agent clearly isn’t allowed to comment on ongoing investigations. (Umm... don’t they teach this on the first day of judiciary school?) Despite all this idiocy, Strzok kept his cool and provided very logical proof that he wasn’t trying to stop Trump from getting elected: The agent knew about Russia communicating with the Trump campaign during the summer of 2016—so if Strzok was biased, why didn’t he leak the information to stop Trump from becoming president? This irrefutable answer temporarily stunned Republican committee members, who then scurried frantically around the floor before eventually disappearing once again beneath the refrigerator. IN A RELATED STORY... After watching the hearing, Trump stopped attacking Strzok on Twitter, and sent him a basket of fruit.
FRIDAY, JULY 13
Hey Republicans! Don’t scurry out from underneath the fridge just yet, because today Special Counsel Robert Mueller charged a dozen Russian intelligence agents with conspiring to hack the Democrats during the 2016 election. Uh-oh! So much for the so-called “witch hunt”! And uh-oh! Trump is supposed to meet with Vladimir Putin on Monday! (That’s gonna be awkward.) And uh-oh again! Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein had this to say to America (and especially Trump supporters/Mueller nay-sayers) about the necessity of the Russia investigation: “When we confront foreign interference in American elections, it is important for us to avoid thinking politically as Republicans or Democrats and instead think patriotically as Americans,” he said. “There will always be adversaries who work to exacerbate domestic differences and try to confuse, divide, and conquer us. So long as we are united in our commitment to the values enshrined in the Constitution, they will not succeed.” MEANWHILE... After hearing this announcement, Trump looked in the mirror, and noticed all the orange had drained from his face. “Uh-oh,” he said.
SATURDAY, JULY 14
As previously reported, Scarlett Johansson really stepped in it last week after defending her position to play Dante “Tex” Gill—a trans man—in the upcoming drama Rub & Tug, by insinuating she was no different than Jeffrey Tambor, Jared Leto, and Felicity Huffman, cis actors who also played trans characters. (You know... the old “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” defense.) After previously coming under attack for playing a whitewashed version of an Asian character in Ghost in the Shell, this justification did not... errr... help Scarlett’s case. “Not only do you play us and steal our narrative and our opportunity,” clapped back Transparent’s Trace Lysette on Twitter, “but you pat yourselves on the back with trophies and accolades for mimicking what we have lived.” BAM. Apparently shamed by this pure, heartfelt logic, Scarlett announced that she will no longer be playing the role. “While I would’ve loved the opportunity to bring Dante’s story and transition to life,” she told Out magazine, “I understand why many feel he should be portrayed by a transgender person, and I am thankful that this casting debate, albeit controversial, has sparked a larger conversation about diversity and representation in film.” See, folks? Progress—though excruciatingly slow—is being made! (Now is there anything we can do to stop the Rock from making more Skyscraper sequels?)
SUNDAY, JULY 15
And finally, let’s end this week with the sweetest of burns. Bruce Willis, who is not exactly our fave celeb due to his conservative politics and incessant harmonica playing, was the subject of tonight’s Comedy Central Roast in which stars such as Ed Norton, Martha Stewart, Jeff Ross, and Dennis Rodman(??), delivered mostly spot-on insults—but the burn of the night (and perhaps the decade) was applied by ex-wife Demi Moore. “I look at our marriage like The Sixth Sense,” she said to Willis. “You were dead the whole time.” Now that deserves a “Yippee-ki-yi-yay, motherfucker.”