Marlowe Dobbe

ПОНЕДЕЛЬНИК, 16 ИЮЛЯ

TRUMP’S MASTER Chris McGrath / Getty Images

Добро пожаловать в один день, дорогие! Wait, we’re sorry—was that in Russian? It was supposed to say, “Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears,” but we got confused seeing as how today Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) made it clear that he’s officially, without fucking question, Vladimir Putin’s puppet. It’ll only be a matter of time until he just, we don’t know, gives America to Russia? In other words, all of the Portland Mercury will be in Russian, assuming, of course, the Mercury will be allowed to publish after the takeover. (It won’t.) But if it is, you’re sure to love the new, state-approved version of the paper... the Портленд Меркурий! TODAY IN HELSINKI... Following an incredibly ill-advised summit with the war-mongering, election-rigging Putin, Trump wiggled around onstage, repeatedly insisting that Russia did not criminally interfere in the corrupt 2016 election that brought him to power. Then Trump went out of his way—again and again—to deny the findings of American intelligence agencies. “They said they think it’s Russia; I have President Putin, he just said it’s not Russia,” Trump mewled. “I will say this,” he continued. “I don’t see any reason why it would be [Russia],” and added, “President Putin was extremely strong and powerful in his denial today.” Oh, well, in that case.... MEANWHILE... When asked by Buzzfeed if Trump’s craven remarks might be because Putin has damaging info on the president, Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley put it pretty clearly: “It’s the standard strategy of Russia when people visit there who are important to try to get compromising information on them—to set them up with hookers, to tape everything that goes on in their room,” said Merkley. “So it’s likely that they have that.” (Side note: MERKLEY 2020!) Even Trump’s spineless GOP lickspittles were flabbergasted. “No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a tyrant,” Arizona Senator John McCain proclaimed. “Not only did President Trump fail to speak the truth about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to defend all that makes us who we are—a republic of free people dedicated to the cause of liberty at home and abroad.” More on this tomorrow, dears, after we finish learning how to make borscht.


TUESDAY, JULY 17

“In a key sentence in my remarks, I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t,’” Trump frantically backpedaled today. “The sentence should have been, ‘I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia. Sort of a double negative.” Oh, well in that case... THAT’S COMPLETE BULLSHIT for two reasons: First, it wasn’t one mistake—Trump repeatedly parroted Russia’s propaganda. And second, fucking seriously? We’re supposed to believe Trump knows what a double negative is? In photos the New York Times snagged of Trump’s handwritten notes from yesterday, it was clear he couldn’t even correctly spell “collusion” when he scrawled “THERE WAS NO COLUSION” in magic marker. But sure. Yeah. This guy totally knows what a double negative is.


WEDNESDAY, JULY 18

Today, a senile and frightened Trump insisted that actually, he gave Putin a really hard time! “I let him know we can’t have this,” Trump lied on CBS Evening News. “We’re not going to have it, and that’s the way it’s going to be.” WAIT, THIS JUST IN... Trump also admitted that okay, maybe it was the Russians... but also? “Could be other people also,” he mumbled. “A lot of people out there.” There sure are, Donald! WAIT, THIS JUST IN... When Trump was asked if he believed Russia was still trying to rig American elections, he clearly, definitively answered, “No!” WAIT, THIS JUST IN... Creepy Parselmouth Sarah Huckabee Sanders just tried to convince everyone Trump was responding to another question when he clearly, definitively said, “No!” Sure he was, Sarah! WAIT, THIS JUST IN... “The meeting between President Putin and myself was a great success, except in the Fake News Media!” Trump tweeted today. ! ! ! Goddammit, it happened again! That was supposed to say “Fuck it! We give up forever! Goodbye!”


THURSDAY, JULY 19

Okaaaay! After slam-gulping two martinis, we feel much better. NOW: Because he is not guilty of betraying America, like at all, Trump announced today that he is... OH, COME THE FUCK ON... inviting his dark lord and master Vladimir Putin to visit Washington, DC. (Slamming another martini, dears!) This news floored Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats who had no idea the president was inviting our biggest enemy to the White House. The visit is currently planned to occur right before the midterms—so not only will this former KGB agent have the opportunity to obtain even more national secrets from the gullible (and almost certainly blackmailed) Trump, Putin will arrive just in time to shit all over our elections... AGAIN. On the upside... umm... well... at least democracy had a really good run. MEANWHILE... there’s Barack Obama. This week our former glorious president hosted a town hall in Johannesburg, South Africa, as part of his continuing initiative to encourage young people to run for office. “Women in particular... I want you to get more involved,” Obama told the crowd, “because men have been getting on my nerves lately. I mean, every day I read the newspaper and I think, ‘Brothers, what’s wrong with you guys? What’s wrong with us?’ I mean, we’re violent, we’re bullying. You know, just not handling our business. So I think empowering more women... is going to lead to some better policies.” Ohhhh, democracy... you really did have such a good run. Sorry it all ended up in flames.


FRIDAY, JULY 20

SAVIOR OF JOURNALISM Kevin Winter / Getty Images

But maybe this will make you feel a bit better? Today the New York Times reported that the FBI seized a tape from former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen that contained a secretly recorded conversation between Trump and himself conspiring to bribe model Karen McDougal into keeping quiet about her alleged affair with the then-candidate. This is baaaaad news for the president for three reasons: (1) Cohen, who was reportedly crapped upon by Trump during much of their professional relationship, is apparently now giving up the goods on his former boss. (2) It proves once again that the Trump campaign was lying their asses off when they vehemently denied the affair in 2016. (3) Isn’t Putin the only one who’s supposed to have secret tapes on Trump? Ooooh, he’s not gonna like that! MEANWHILE... Three cheers for Chance the Rapper, who’s single-handedly saving journalism! (Or at least doing his part.) The Chicago native announced this week he’s purchasing the defunct news and entertainment site Chicagoist to bring the city “an independent media outlet focused on amplifying diverse voices and content,” according to the Chicago Tribune. The purchase is part of his newly formed company which aims to “promote local investigative journalism, diversity, and representation for people in color in media.” SWOOOON! And it allows employees to brag to their friends, “Oh yeah, I was talking with my boss Chance the Rapper today in the breakroom about the Mamma Mia sequel. He really liked it, too.”


SATURDAY, JULY 21

If reports are to be believed, two of the world’s biggest superpowers—known for their very cozy relationship—are possibly on the rocks. We’re speaking, of course, about Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. The pair have one of the most on-and-off romances that has ever “on’d” or “offed.” After breaking up for three years, MiHem (LiCy?) reunited, got engaged, denied getting engaged, admitted they were engaged, then called off the engagement before reportedly getting secretly married this past Christmas! (OW! Whiplash hurts!!) However, this week OK! Magazine reported that the celebs are not only NOT married, but they’ve broken up because Liam wants babies and Miley doesn’t. (Miley’s right, btw.) But wait! MiHem (CyWorth?) hopped on Instagram today to shoot those rumors down, posting video of themselves happily riding around in a car and pretending they don’t HATE EACH OTHER’S GUTS. Omigod, you guys. Can you please stop fucking and get your divorce over with?


SUNDAY, JULY 22

And finally, after a week like this, you’ll be tempted to think that Trump has trampled every last one of your dreams—all, that is, except for ONE: Lindsay Lohan is getting her own reality show, SQUEEEEEE! According to Page Six, LiLo’s new MTV program will take place at her new resort beach club in Greece! (Wait... Lindsay has her own resort beach club in Greece? SQUEEEEE!) According to an inside source, the show promises to be “a cooler, hipper, edgier Vanderpump Rules”—which has never been watched by anyone ever, but WHO CARES? This is going to be our new must-watch show, because if our nation continues in this terrible direction, working at Lindsay’s beach club in Greece sounds like a pretty freaking great alternative!