MONDAY, JULY 30
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—and the news that history’s greatest supreme court justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, is vowing to stay alive for at least five more years! “I’m now 85,” the Notorious RBG said yesterday in New York. “My senior colleague, Justice John Paul Stevens, he stepped down when he was 90, so I think I have about at least five more years.” While Ginsburg’s influence on the increasingly conservative Supreme Court has waned of late, she’s always been a bright, inspiring beacon of intelligence, determination, and wit—and a powerful figure in America’s troubled battles for equity. So five more years of RBG? We’ll take ’em! And besides, five years is a long ways off... maybe by then, we’ll have figured out how to make it so she can live forever! Get on it, science!
TUESDAY, JULY 31
Alas, while RBG bravely vows to serve her proud nation for at least another half-decade, another illustrious American hero is throwing in the towel. “Bow Wow Explodes on Twitter, Says He’s Quitting Rap to Work at GameStop,” reads the headline at Complex, which collected a series of Bow Wow’s social media posts in which the former child rapper said... well, that he’s quitting rap to work at GameStop, and also that he was going to give away all his money via Cash App. (“So, if you got some outstanding bills to pay,” Complex sagely noted, “now is your chance to shoot your shot.”) So far, there’s no indication that Bow Wow (formerly Lil Bow Wow, formerly Shad Moss) has actually quit rap and gotten a job at GameStop... and when we asked Hubby Kip if he could keep an eye out for Bow Wow the next time he goes to buy his little video games, Kip’s response was, “Wait, who’s Bow Wow?” Oof. Sorry, Bow Wow! Sounds like you’ve already retreated from the public eye... whether you knew it or not. (Please note: We’ll take all of this back if Bow Wow sends us some of that money.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1
“Nope, didn’t see Bow Wow there at all!” reported Hubby Kip this afternoon when he got back from buying his little video games. “I even asked at the counter, ‘Hey, is Bow Wow working today?’” Kip continued. “They just looked at me and said if I didn’t buy something they would have to ask me to leave.” You know, dears, there was a time when our mother told us we could do better. We should have listened. ANYWAYS... “Leslie Cockburn, a Democratic congressional nominee in Virginia, accused her Republican opponent, Denver Riggleman, on Sunday of campaigning with white supremacists and being the author of Bigfoot-themed erotica.” That sentence is from the New York Times, and let’s take a moment to reread it.... Okay, all done? YEP. IT’S STILL AMAZING. “In an interview on Monday, Mr. Riggleman said he was writing a book about people who believe in Bigfoot but denied that it contained any erotic content,” added the Times, the revered bastion of journalism that, since 1917, has won 125 Pulitzer Prizes. Riggleman—who, in addition to running for United States Congress, is currently working on his book The Mating Habits of Bigfoot and Why Women Want Him—insists that he “didn’t know there was Bigfoot erotica, even with all my Bigfoot studies,” but that didn’t do anything to stop what the Times described as “a frenzy of jokes on social media.” And this, dears, might be 2018 in a nutshell: Sure, everybody faves some funny tweets when Bigfoot erotica is brought up... but nobody even blinks an eye when yet another Republican is accused of catering to white supremacists.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 2
As you may have heard, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort is currently on trial for bank and tax fraud—crimes that he allegedly committed in order to continue his lavish lifestyle. HOW LAVISH, YOU MIGHT WONDER? Well, lavish enough to purchase an $18,000 karaoke system for his house in the Hamptons. And lavish enough to spend more than $929,000 on suits in just five years. WHAT KIND OF SUITS, YOU MIGHT ASK? Oh, just the kind made out of OSTRICH SKIN. According to court records, Manafort spent a whopping $15,000 on an ostrich-skin leather bomber jacket—and believe us when we tell you, it... is... HORRID. Picture that ugly-as-fuck bomber jacket your Republican Uncle Chet wears. Now picture that same jacket covered in raw chicken skin that’s been dyed black. That is the bomber jacket Manafort paid $15,000 for... and he’s being put on trial for tax fraud? Until he’s convicted for crimes against fashion, THERE IS NO JUSTICE.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 3
This week, Fox News contributor and notorious dumbbell Tomi Lahren attempted to convince us that Trump is a better president now than Obama was then, and... fine, we’ll wait for you to stop laughing. In one particularly moronic tweet, Tomi wrote, “Pres Trump dedicated to putting radical Muslims in graves whereas Pres Obama was dedicated to putting men in the ladies room. #MAGA.” Tomi was probably hoping to get away with this simultaneously racist and transphobic tweet—but out of the darkness came Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, bearing the sweetest burn of the week. “Truly, whom among us can forget Trump ordering the killing of bin Laden,” Rowling tweeted back. “Or Obama bragging about barging in on naked beauty contestants?” OOOOOH! The internet does love a vicious burn, and Rowling’s expert takedown inspired some Twitter users to respond, “Hello, police? I’d like to report a murder.” But oh no... that wasn’t murder. That was justifiable homicide.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 4
Now that President Trump has (sorta, kinda) admitted that Vladimir Putin (may have, possibly, perhaps) interfered with the 2016 election (though it could’ve been other people too! People are bad! BAD!), Russia has chosen a new emissary who’s tasked with improving ties between our countries, and that person is... wait. Steven Seagal? According to Newsweek, the 66-year-old star of several martial arts action flicks (who has also been credibly accused throughout his career of sexual assault) will be Russia’s new humanitarian representative, a position intended to “serve as a symbol of improving ties between Moscow and Washington.” It’s been reported that Seagal and Putin are close friends, and the actor often appears on state-run media outlet RT to discuss what’s left of his career and to say things like, “For anyone to think Vladimir Putin had anything to do with fixing the elections... is stupid.” Ummm... Russia, can we talk? We realize that Donald Trump has really let you down (we feel the same way!), but can we go out on a limb and suggest that maybe Steven Seagal isn’t the best replacement? If you need a failed American celebrity to represent your country, there are much better choices, such as Lindsay Lohan, Corey Feldman, Charlie Sheen, and... ooh, yes... Kevin Federline! They could really use the money, and we can still stomach them. Barely.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 5
There is sooo, soooo, SOOOO much garbage in the world right now, but lift up the top layer of that garbage and there are shiny, Lisa Frank-style nuggets of pure newsy joy. For example, this headline from Rolling Stone: “The NRA Says It’s in Deep Financial Trouble, May Be ‘Unable to Exist.’” Ohhhh, poor babies! Wait, what’s that sound? Why it’s an orchestra of the world’s tiniest violins playing the saddest song ever written as the NRA sinks into a grave of their own making. Our “thoughts and prayers” are with them! MEANWHILE... this headline from the New York Times: “A ‘Rainbow Wave’? 2018 Has More LGBT Candidates Than Ever.” In response to Trump and the GOP rolling back protections for minorities and women, “more than 400 gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender candidates are running for office this year,” the NYT writes. And with our support they will SLAY. AND FINALLY... from the Washington Post: “Dozens of Professional Goats Briefly Took Over a Neighborhood in Boise.” Not much more to this story—other than around 100 “extremely friendly” “professional” goats escaped for a few hours from a business called “We Rent Goats” and had the time of their lives—but it’s a good reminder that in this era of horror, don’t forget to break loose now and then, and do (or eat!) what you love. Listen to the goats! After all, they’re the “professionals”!