Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, AUGUST 20

Welcome back, dears, to One Day at a Time! This was, of course, a very busy week—but as we all know, the most important part of One Day at a Time is yours truly. Which brings us to news that will undoubtedly leave you devastated: This edition of One Day at a Time will be our last. But shhh! Don’t fret! After 16 years of sharing our weekly gossipings with all of you, dears, we’ve decided to turn this page over to a dear friend of ours, Elinor Jones! Elinor’s just like us—smart, charming, beautiful, beloved by all she meets, and, perhaps, even funnier than we are. (Don’t tell her we said that.) You’ll be in wonderful hands... assuming she doesn’t screw it all up! (JK, Elinor! You’ll do great!) And now, on to our (*sob*) final One Day at a Time... ever! SO, IN TRANSYLVANIA... No, wait—we mean in Hollywood! No, wait—we mean in Romania! SO, IN ROMANIA... Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves got secretly married?? So says Ryder, who claims that when she and Reeves’ characters were married in the stupid, boring 1992 movie Bram Stoker’s Dracula, director Francis Ford Coppola insisted on using “a real Romanian priest”... and this real Romanian priest “did the whole thing,” thus meaning, without a doubt, that Ryder and Reeves have been married ever since! We don’t have anything to add to this, other than we’re a touch distressed that Ryder only now bothered to tell Keanu about their eternal bond. (“We said yes?” a delightfully bewildered Keanu mumbled when Ryder informed him of their marital status.) MEANWHILE, IN TRANSYLVANIA... “Alas, I am steel unmarried,” said Count Dracula, as he wandered the dark stone passages of his decrepit castle—alone, as he has for hundreds of empty years. “Just vunce, I vud haff loved to haff known love’s sveet embrace... especially iff that embrace vas vrom that snack vrom Heathers!” (And if you got that reference, dears, congrats—you’re as old as Dracula!)


TUESDAY, AUGUST 21

So, what dumbfuckery did the Trump administration get up to today? Well, you didn’t hear it from us, but last Halloween, Stephen Miller and Sarah Huckabee Sanders had a layover in Romania, where they got lost in a cemetery beneath the light of a full moon! From the thorny bushes behind a cracked tombstone, a real Romanian priest emerged and promptly conducted a legally binding marriage cerem... no, wait. That can’t be right! Romanian priests know to run as fast as they can from blood-sucking monsters! AH, HERE IT IS... Prepare your brain for some absolute nonsense. “When you tell me that, ‘You know, he should testify because he’s going to tell the truth and he shouldn’t worry,’ well, that’s so silly, because it’s somebody’s version of the truth. Not the truth.” So rambleth Rudy Giuliani—Washington, DC’s incontinent uncle, who also happens to be Donald Trump’s lawyer—to Chuck Todd on Meet the Press. Rudy, somehow, was trying to explain why Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) shouldn’t testify in Robert Mueller’s investigation. Well, except.... “Truth is truth,” Todd countered. “No, it isn’t truth. Truth isn’t truth,” Rudy insisted. “Truth isn’t truth?” asked Todd. “This is going to become a bad meme.” If you mean the entirety of the Trump administration, Chuck, we couldn’t agree more. Assuming, of course, that nuclear war doesn’t obliterate everyone on Earth and melt the electrical grid. But if we’re still alive, and if we still have computers? Then yes. This will totally be a bad meme.


WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22

Did we just predict nukes were going to kill us? We spoke too soon! We’ll die frompollution. This week, Trump’s Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) unveiled plans to lessen regulations for outdated, coal-burning power plants—making it even easier for Trump to pander to his coal-loving base. Oh, but also? The EPA’s own analysis found the changes will cause “as many as 1,400 premature deaths annually by 2030,” reports the New York Times, as well as “up to 15,000 new cases of upper respiratory problems, a rise in bronchitis, and tens of thousands of missed school days.” Hey, so it’ll be just like when wildfire smoke blows up from California... except every day, and forever, and with 1,400 more people dying per year. MEANWHILE, IN TRANSYLVANIA... “Uh-voh. This news is very vorrisome!” said Count Dracula! “I’d better vly to Castle Depot! Perchance they haff air vilters? As an eternally powervul vampire, uff course, I vill live vorever—but who vants to spend all that time coughing? Hey, maybe if I get air vilters, Vinona Ryder vill vant to move in vith me....”


THURSDAY, AUGUST 23

Okay, here’s a headline from Page Six that warrants some discussion:“Ariana Grande is wrong about Crohn’s disease causing ‘butthole eyes.’” OH, DO GO ON! According to the Post, the pop singer became incensed after Barstool Sports penned a thoughtful piece of news journalism titled, “Does Pete Davidson Have Butthole Eyes?” For those new to the world of gossip, Ariana and SNL performer Pete are bottom-over-teakettle in love and engaged to be wed. And yeah... Pete does have sunken, sleepy-looking eyes. But the public assertion that her one true love has “butthole eyes” sent the diminutive songstress into a Big Gulp-sized rage! “Y’all do kno [Pete] has an auto immune disease [Crohn’s disease]... right?” Ariana snapped back on Twitter. “...like you do understand what you’re doing when u do this right? jus wanna make sure.” This inspired Page Six to contact one of NYC’s “top gastroenterologists,” who swiftly and with authority stated, “There’s no direct correlation between Crohn’s disease [a chronic inflammatory disease of the intestines] and sunken eyes.” Okay, in Ariana’s defense, she’s a pop singer, not a top gastroenterologist. Also in her defense, she was perfectly justified in defending her man from accusations of having “butthole eyes”—even if... yeah, they kinda do look like buttholes. BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT. We hope Hubby Kip would valiantly ride to our rescue if anyone insulted us. (Of course, he’d have to get off his butthole first.)


FRIDAY, AUGUST 24

In another example of “ride or die” celebrity love, according to TMZ, actress Jennifer Garner staged an intervention with her separated hubby Ben Affleck, and convinced him to check into rehab for “an extended period of time.” Old-timey One Day readers know that this isn’t Ben’s first rehab rodeo—he was there in 2001, and again this past December. However, sources say Jen hit the roof earlier this week when she saw pap photos of Ben receiving a delivery box full of booze. Ben was reportedly receptive to Jen’s intervention and admitted he needed help. So after a quick stop at Jack in the Box (ohhhhh how the mighty have fallen), Jen drove Ben to a rehab facility in LA where he checked himself in. Best of luck to Ben, and a tip o’ the hat to Jen, who saw a problem and stepped up to say something about it. And before you say anything to us, dears, NO that is NOT a double-vodka martini with a twist of lemon hiding behind our back! (For your information, it’s an olive.)


SATURDAY, AUGUST 25

After discontinuing medical treatment earlier this week, Senator John McCain died today at the age of 81. He is survived by an utterly corrupt GOP who has betrayed their promise to protect America, a shameless, asshole president who lowered the White House flag to half-mast only after being hit by a wave of criticism, a nation that will miss having a Republican with something remotely resembling a moral compass—even one that’s wrong some of the time, annnnnnd... Sarah Palin. MEANWHILE IN HEAVEN... “Why did you have to mention her?” John McCain barked from high atop the clouds. “You make one idiot your vice presidential running mate, and you never hear the end of it!”


SUNDAY, AUGUST 26

Well, that’s it for us, our sweet darlings and dears. Before we hop on the plane for Morocco—oh we’re sorry, what did you think we were going to do for our retirement?—we’d love to thank a few special someones for all their support through the years: Britney Spears (you literally gave us a full decade of material); Justin Bieber (same); Gwyneth Paltrow (thank you for advising us to steam our vagina—and no we’ll never do it); Lindsay Lohan (our secret spirit guide); George Clooney (you and I are married—accept it); the late Bonnie Franklin (she would know why); as well as Miley Cyrus, Charlie Sheen, Jennifer Aniston, Dr. Phil, Snooki from Jersey Shore, Kevin Federline, Paris Hilton, Shia “LaBeef” LaBeouf, Mariah Carey, drunk Mel Gibson, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, Jon and Kate Gosselin, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, AND Kanye West and Taylor Swift. You all gave us something to gab, laugh, and get infuriated about. To Trump and the rest of his soon-to-be-imprisoned administration—get fucked and die in a dumpster fire forever. And to YOU, dearest of dears, thanks for reading and for being you. You are someone special, and never let anyone tell you differently. Ciao for now, sweeties! (Turn off the lights, Hubby Kip! We’re off to Morocco! And wipe that Cheeto dust off the front of your shirt, you look like an idiot.)