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WARNING TO ALL PORTLANDERS: Do not go to the following shitty places, where shitty things have been known to occur—or at least that’s what happened to these Mercury employees.

1. Corner of N Mississippi & Shaver: The most despicable criminal in the world broke my car window and stole my Hot Tub Time Machine backpack. What kind of monster does that? (Wm. Steven Humphrey)

2. Pizza Schmizza (628 NE Broadway): Ran into an ex-boyfriend who informed me he had chlamydia. (Anonymous)

3. SE 13th & Ankeny: Something always stinks around here. (Alex Zielinski)

4. Greyhound Station (2846 NE 8th): To get around a crowd, I cut between the bushes, which I discovered had been used as a urinal for a substantial amount of time. (Lauren Short)

5. Panorama (341 SW 10th, ca. 1997): Purchased what I thought was ecstasy... it was baby aspirin. (Anonymous)

6. SE 50th & Clinton: Biked home from Planned Parenthood carrying an aggressive amount of birth control, Plan B, and condoms. Hit a crack and fell, sending my birth control flying. Blood gushing from my knee, I shamefully collected my shit in front of a crowd of onlookers and limped to Rite Aid. (Alex Zielinski)

7. NE 28th & Couch: Then-girlfriend came to visit me in my new apartment—where I was making out with another girl. (Anonymous)

8. Corner of NE 15th & Broadway: As I was waiting for the light to change, a car full of teenagers pulled up and hit me with a container of honey mustard dipping sauce. (Robert Ham)

9. The Cheerful Tortoise (1939 SW 6th): While walking in, a shirtless man pushed past me, ran out into the street, and puked, warning me, “Don’t do the hot wing challenge.” (Blair Stenvick)

10. NW 20th & Burnside: Shat my pants. (Anonymous)

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11. Starbucks (SW 6th & Madison): Spent two weeks working here and was constantly badgered by passive-aggressive businesspeople pissed that I didn’t have their special order memorized by my third day. Also, my manager expected me to spend my own (unpaid) time studying flashcards about how many pumps of sweetener went into Grande Peppermint Mochas. I quit in a voicemail. (Blair Stenvick)

12. Moda Center MAX Stop: Caught for not having fare, I was forced to exit the train, where I was surrounded by six cops, and given a ticket that I later paid off with community service—but for some reason it’s still cited on my DRIVING RECORD?!?!?!?! (Lauren Short)