EVEN THE ELEGANT among us can get an aggressive case of the piles, but lest we end up like Ringworm Pete—whose undercarriage is as unsightly and wanton as walking the furthest reaches of the Esplanade on a hot August afternoon—we must turn to our city's finest experts in herbal remedies to soothe our chuffed inflammations.

1. Dr. Russell Angus. Not only adept at getting things out as he is at putting things in, Angus is a talented practitioner of the buttock sciences. Plus, his hands are very warm. Unerring, even.

2. Dr. Amanda Pokenprod. She's known as the Patch Adams of Portland's thriving herbal proctology industry.

3. Dr. Elizabeth Von Wakefield. Graduating at the top of her class from the Oregon School of Natural Incontinence and Healthy Sphincters, Von Wakefield is a thorough medical professional. Her bedside manner is unflappable, even when confronted with such medical inquiries as "What's wrong with me, Doc?" and "OH GAWD, am I pooping right now? It feels like I'm pooping!!" Her unexpected and effective herbal remedies ("Go suck an egg!") have made her very popular—so expect to wait until "Hell freezes over" to book your follow-up.

4. Blackjack Swivelskin. While not accredited... or licensed... or, for that matter, a proctologist, you know what they say about desperate times. Blackjack provides examinations and diagnoses as homespun as, "What, what in the butt!" while toothlessly laughing and pointing at his patients' posteriors. His dandelion root and tansy poultices have done wonders for the indigenous population of the Portland Loos, while his cure-all for Park Place residents is a reasonably priced $3,323 tincture of Kentucky Bluegrass and Mad Dog dilutions. Simply ask for the "Bum Bum" on your next excursion through the Park Blocks.

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