My first experience with Steven Seagal's "Asian Experience Energy Drink," Lightning Bolt, involved observing the typically inept antics of my coworkers, who, upon tasting the beverage, fell into dreadful convulsions of mock agony, screeching and scratching themselves like the monkeys they are.


To properly sample an energy drink for critical consideration, one must maintain a rigid acumen of careful tasting intricacies.

First, one must open the beverage—in this case, a large can—with the FDA-approved two-finger press-pull technique. Then, one must allow the beverage to "breathe," as oxygen pulls forth the energy drink's subtle nuances. One should then transfer the can's contents to a wine glass or otherwise conducive glass receptacle, where the flavors are not marred by aluminosity. Now, one is ready to taste the beverage.

Carefully sniff the beverage, allowing the nostrils to rotate around the rim of the glass like a helicopter circling its landing pad. Introduce the sensory parts of the brain to the beverage, preparing it for the taste sensation hence to come. Now: taste. Bring the beverage up into the frontal mouth region in one smooth, strong, slurping motion. Swish the liquid rapidly in the mouth, and swallow, making careful note of the consistency of the beverage, the feel of it, and its aftertaste. In this way, you give the Steven Seagal energy drink the tasting such a mighty beverage deserves.

And having properly tasted Lightning Bolt, I regret to report that my coworkers, hooligans that they are, were not incorrect in their foul, wounded, primate-esque assessments.

Seagal's drink tastes like horseshit covered in horse piss.