Admit it: You kind of want to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop. The fat guy from The King of Queens riding around on a Segway? How much better does that sound than Mr. Benjamin Buttons aging in reverse, or some British dick-rag talking to Nixon for two hours?

Kevin James plays Paul Blart (even his name is funny!), a mustachioed, Segway-riding security guard who patrols a New Jersey mall. No sooner does he meet a cute girl at the wig kiosk than the mall is taken over by robbers who ride skateboards and BMX bikes, taking Blart's chubby daughter hostage and... ugh, what was I saying?

Listen, I'll level with you. This movie's a pile of dogshit. The premise is lame, the plot's negligible, the villains are like something out of Rad 2, and you probably could have written the jokes in your sleep. I rolled my eyes through the entire thing. But most of the time, I was also laughing. James is weirdly, hilariously graceful at both pratfalls and sad-sack moping, and the Segway gag, amazingly, just doesn't get old. Best of all, the movie possesses absolutely no airs of grandeur. So embrace your inner 10-year-old twerp and spend some time laughing at a fat guy falling on his ass.