Imagine, if you will, a walk in the wild underbrush of the African Congo. You are a world-renowned scientist studying a troop of bonobos; monkeys known for their rambunctious and enthusiastic sexual appetite. Within minutes of your study, two of the monkeys begin to carry out God's most sacred act...that of sexual coitus. Your eyes moisten at the beautiful sight. Two monkeys--so much like us--finding a perfect partner in the midst of nature, and humping away until orgasm is achieved. Indeed, what could be more... more natural?

Your eyes begin to burn from the unclean images these nasty monkeys have forced upon you. Your mind reels from the unbelievable, ridiculously dirty sight you just beheld!

"Why, God, WHY?" you scream at the heavens. "Why have you cursed the earth with these lesbo monkey abominations?? WHYYYEEEEEEEEE?????"

Thankfully, your brain, unable to fathom what you have just seen, shuts off completely in self-defense. You fall unconscious into the wet verdant underbrush. Hours, perhaps even days later, you awaken to find yourself adopted by a friendly family of lemurs, who raise you to be their king. And though you are a just and fair ruler to your lemur followers, you can never forget what you saw on that fateful day when those two hot bonobo bitches were going at it. And you can never answer the one burning question that will haunt you throughout all your days: Why are animals all of a sudden acting queer?

The "Science" of the Lambs

In 1999, respected biologist Bruce Bagemihl published a treatise that set the scientific world on its ear. Entitled Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity (St. Martins Press), Bagemihl's tome broached a subject most field biologists refused to touch with a 10-foot whale penis--animals acting all gay and shit. The exhaustively researched book, which took 10 years in the making, describes nearly 200 species of animals that have exhibited this kind of "unconventional sexuality."

And while it may be comforting to imagine these animals having homosexual sex the way most human's imagine (i.e., sticking their thingies into each other's butt), according to Bagemihl's research, there is in fact an astonishing range of sexual behaviors--that don't necessarily involve sex.

Bottlenose dolphins, for example, never form male-female couples, but the men of the species often take on lifetime partnerships with other men--just like Siegfried and Roy. Antelope, bison, gazelles, and even sage grouse have been witnessed forming these types of bachelor duos, staying together for years until a partner dies or is maimed by a tiger--just like Siegfried and Roy. Meanwhile, female grizzlies, barn owls, and silver gulls have also been known to experiment with same-sex partnerships--just like three-quarters of the female class of Reed College.

And oh, if that were all, perhaps we could rationalize or even ignore this abhorrent behavior. But it isn't! Because, not only have animals been caught engaging in homosexual activity, but bisexual shenanigans as well--as evidenced by the mate-swapping mountain gorillas, and the sexually indecisive guinea pig.

Want to hear something worse? YES, YOU DO. In the male manatee community, these walrussy-type animals regularly engage in wild orgies, trading partners back and forth like it was half-price towel day at the local steam bath. And masturbation! While you can witness monkeys at the zoo whacking off and finger plowing themselves with frightening regularity, in the wild, it turns out that other animals are also "waxing the dolphin"--in particular, the dolphin!

And oral sex! Let's not forget oral sex! Male orangutans and female hedgehogs often enjoy trading slurps of each other's genitals. Even God's most revolting creature, the vampire bat, has been witnessed developing a hearty erection during same-sex licking and grooming--and it's not just blood that's being sucked.

While homosexuals within the animal kingdom are definitely in the minority, Bagemihl's statistics clearly show that this kind of fiddling around isn't just common--it's actually more common than in the human species. Prepare to be alarmed by the following statistics:

Ostriches (both sexes), 1% homosexual.

Female silver gulls, 10% bisexual.

Black headed gulls (both sexes), 22% homosexual.

Galahs (both sexes), 44% homosexual.

Bonobo apes, 100% bisexual.

The list goes on and on, until you just want to scream, "GodDAMMIT! I've got bills to pay, I have to pick up the kids from soccer practice... How am I supposed to find time in my busy schedule to quell the oncoming tide of animal perversion?"

The answer... in a moment.

Crime Against Nature?

Before we as a society can turn all our efforts towards stopping these horny beasts from all this same-sex licky-licky, sucky-sucky, and sticky-sticky, we must first understand WHY they are choosing to do so. And it is imperative we begin this process NOW. By continuing to engage in homosexual behavior, these furry pervs, these animal-estors, are screwing up the works for anti-gay activists who are dumbfounded when posed with the question: "Well, if homosexuality naturally occurs in nature, why shouldn't it naturally occur in my mouth?"

Luiz Sèrgio Solimeo, a member of the "The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property (Traditional Marriage Crusade division)"--which is not a joke, by the way--is fighting to make sure the only things going in our mouths are of a traditional nature; food, water and the occasional toothbrush. He is only one of the many religious champions who are valiantly struggling to discount and stop the scientific discoveries of Bagemihl, and other so-called "respected" biologists.

In his online article "The Animal Homosexuality Myth," Solimeo pooh-poohs the theory that animals are making a conscious choice to pork members of the same sex.

"Animal cognition is purely sensorial," Solimeo writes, "limited to sound, odor, touch, taste, and image. Thus, animals lack the precision and clarity of human intellectual perception. Therefore, animals frequently confuse one sensation with another or one object with another."

In laymen's terms, Solimeo is reminding us that animals, at their very core, are stupid. In fact, even though most animals are capable of using their sense of smell to locate another critter hundreds of yards away, still others are unable to smell the difference between a vagina and a butthole. These are the "gay" or "really stupid" ones.

Solimeo then uses his keen logic to break down more gay activist theories on why animals are choosing to roam homo. For example, he discounts certain forms of homosexuality as animal kingdom power plays.

"Dogs, for example, usually [mount animals of the same sex] to express dominance. Cesar Ades, ethologist and professor of psychology at the University of Sao Paulo, Brazil, explains, 'When two males mate, what is present is a demonstration of power, not sex.'"

Once again, a brilliant point. Psychologically, dogs are right up there with us humans. So when my dog, Mr. Wooferson, is ejaculating on my leg, thereby ruining a new pair of trousers, he is actually thinking, "Ah, HA! While my own sexual gratification may be a secondary concern, I have achieved my primary goal in dominating my master, thereby forcing him to take his trousers to the dry cleaners."

Ethologist Cesar Ades goes on to postulate that these dirty-minded biologists are, in actuality, simply imagining homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom. In fact, he claims that animals are nothing more than furry robots; slaves to genital odors and nothing more.

"Human beings have sex one way, animals have it another," he sagely reminds us. "Human sex is a question of preference where one chooses the most attractive person to have pleasure. This is not true with animals. For them it is a question of mating and reproduction. There is no physical or psychological pleasure... the smell is decisive: when a female is in heat, she emits a scent, known as pheromone. This scent attracts the attention of the male, and makes him want to mate. This is sexual intercourse between animals. It is the law of nature."

YEAH! It's the LAW, gay activists! So I guess that means we'll see YOU in court!

Busting a Cap of Logic in Your Ass

Every day, Christians, anti-gay activists, and other members of the Bush Administration are having dirty pictures of homosexual animals waved in their faces. And every day, they are being bombarded with a single question: "If homosexuality is relatively normal in nature, then shouldn't it be considered normal in humans?" To this question, I reply, "Shut UP."

However, if they continue to keep asking it, I will defeat them with the following powerful dollops of logic:

Rhinoceri (or rhinoceroses, if you prefer) have a two-foot-long penis. Heterosexual coitus for these animals usually lasts around an hour and a half, with the male ejaculating numerous times. For the rhinoceros, this is "normal." Therefore, should my wife expect me to be held to these same high standards just because it's considered "normal"? Well, if so, she's in for quite a surprise!

Logical dollop #2: For humans, screaming at a flight attendant when she forgets to bring a whiskey sour is considered by many to be "normal" behavior. Should we expect monkeys poached from Africa to behave in the same way? Just because it's "normal," doesn't make it "RIGHT."

I think we can all agree that sex feels really good--at least from what I remember. However, just because I enjoy the wet, clutching muscles of an orifice wrapped around my member, I am cognizant of the important and sacred responsibilities that come with this act. As a human, I have sex for two reasons only: 1) to procreate, and 2) to void my scrotum of the tiny talking demons that reside inside my balls. Animals do whatever it is they do, primarily because they are stupid animals. They throw feces, bite ankles, and pee on a perfectly clean basket of laundry for reasons no human will ever be able to decipher. However, as scholar Cesar Ades put it, "there are laws in nature." And sometimes these laws are broken. So I'd like to make a deal with the animals of the world--I won't suck a penis, if you don't pee in my laundry basket.

Deal? Deal.

"Why Are Animals All of a Sudden Acting Queer?"

Perhaps we'll never know the answer to this question. However, there is one theory that's so disturbing even the most learned scholars refuse to consider it. What if all these animals are acting queer because people like Bagemihl are writing books saying it's okay and natural for them to be queer? What if it's actually some form of advanced animal mimicry?

Animals want little more than to please their human masters. This is why the dog fetches the slippers, and the chicken allows its neck to be wrung for KFC. Is it so farfetched, then, for animals, in order to be accepted and loved, to act out the sublimated homosexual fantasies of humans?

Fact: until 1989, when biologist Bruce Bagemihl began writing his book, there was little to NO documentation of animal homosexuality. Now, it's everywhere! And it all seemed to start in the year 1989 when Bagemihl got his start, and not-so-coincidentally, the very same year Denmark began allowing civil unions between same sex couples.

"Monkey see, monkey do."

That's something for both you and the animals to chew on. (And I'm not talking about penises.)