Look at him. He's just biding his time until the Bill Gates/Seth Cohen effect kicks in: He knows that if he just keeps "reading" and "learning," one day women will think he's sexy. I think he's kind of sexy now... I hear he hangs out at kickass comic book stores like Things from Another World (4133 NE Sandy) and Excalibur (2444 SE Hawthorne). But he probably has some she-nerd girlfriend, rocking the "librarian look." I bet they go shopping together for their nerd-chic frames at Visage Eyewear (1046 NW Johnson), or maybe they scrounge for vintage cat eyes at Decades Vintage (328 SW Stark).

I can't wait until basketball season starts. Sure, the Blazers are a joke—but the upside of being a laughingstock is that tickets are wicked cheap (nba.com/blazers), and the Blazers dancers are so totally hot! It sucks that we don't have a football team, but if you ever want to go catch a game at Claudia's (3006 SE Hawthorne) or the Jolly Roger (1340 SE 12th), I'd be down with that. Plus, I've been thinking about joining a kickball league... I might sign up at underdogportland.com or pdxkickball.com.

Don't worry about making friends here, lady! You'll fit right in at this school, just so long as you keep up appearances. Maintain the hair and nails with regular visits to the salon (try Ziva, 610 NW 23rd) and don't forget to tidy up "down there" (Wax On, 734 E Burnside). When it comes to shopping, forget the mall: Portland is home to a kajillion tantalizing boutiques. Cruise lower East Burnside, or NW 23rd, and you'll see what I mean.

I know that in Pocatello, Idaho, you felt like an outsider. Like no one understood you. But you're in Portland now, and people like you own this city. Tattoos and 'tude will fit right in at Sabala's (4811 SE Hawthorne) or the Ash Street (225 SW Ash), where comparing ink over a PBR can be the first step to a lasting friendship. And don't forget: Cigarettes are cheaper here than in lots of big cities (though maybe not as cheap as in Pocatello), and you can still smoke in most bars.