THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES "Hey girl, check out my new night light."


Like, crazy bad.

It is so comically bad that it is kind of... wonderful.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is based on the first in a series of YA books that leapt from the furiously masturbating internet world of Harry Potter fan fiction. As Potter fanfic writer Cassandra Clare's pieces grew in popularity, she changed the names, the story evolved, and now it's this thing that is kind of different from fanfic but still very obviously just fanfic. The film adaptation is exactly as cheap and ridiculous as its source material.

BUT, beautifully, it is such a tremendous clusterfuck of gothy teen action and romance that I couldn't not love it.

The story follows teenager Clary (played to plucky perfection by Lily Collins' eyebrows) who discovers an underworld in New York City after the abduction of her mother, Jocelyn (Lena Headey). Clary hooks up with a pack of demon slayers called Shadowhunters, led by Jace (blond actor with cheekbones and an accent, swoon). The Shadowhunters help Clary try to track down her mom and her mom's fancy wineglass (?) and uncover some mysteries about... stuff. Magic stuff.

There is a character named "The High Warlock of Brooklyn." He is a stunning Asian man who does not wear pants. Every mythical creature ever mentioned in a fantasy book is present. There are also crystal wands, demon-death-by-Bach, and a little light incest! I am telling you: This movie has everything, and all of it is insane. So, even though it's horrible—seriously, it is just embarrassingly ridiculous—it's so action packed and goofy and over the top that my net reaction was "I hate that I am having the best time right now."