Maybe you've heard of McLoughlin Boulevard; more likely, you've whipped down it at 90 MPH to get to the naked boobs and four-dollar steaks at the Acropolis. But did you know that McLoughlin Boulevard is named after one of the biggest badasses who ever lived? He's Dr. John McLoughlin, and unless you're some kind of nerd, you have no idea he is a titan of Pacific Northwest history and deserves every last cent of your paltry respect. So get those stripper's breasts out of your face, pay attention, and learn something for once. TO WIT:
• Dr. John McLoughlin stood a whopping 6'4". If that doesn't impress you, remember that this was the 1800s, and historical records show that the average man stood approximately 16 hands tallside (or, roughly two-thirds of a horseshoulder)—which, according to the expert calculations of the Mercury math team, is the modern-day equivalent of 4'15". In summation: DR. JOHN McLOUGHLIN WAS A TOWERING GIANT.
• Dr. John McLoughlin invented Oregon. This was a time when no roads or civilization existed, when the land was a raw inhospitable place terrorized by mountain lions and man-eating Sasquatch. McLoughlin came west in 1821 and for the next two-dozen years, was de facto governor of the territory, saving the new settlers from starvation and disease after their long trek westward. His general store was the final stop on the Oregon Trail, and he was even knighted by the goddamn pope. In conclusion, DR. JOHN McLOUGHLIN WAS A BENEVOLENT AND GENEROUS FRIEND TO ALL, AND WOULD HAVE HAPPILY RESCUED YOU FROM CONSUMPTION.
• Dr. John McLoughlin was a doctor. Keep in mind that during the early days of the Oregon Territory, medicine was nothing like it is today. Dr. McLoughlin was forced to perform intricate and dangerous medical procedures under incredibly difficult circumstances. Limbs were amputated with only the help of a blunt pocketknife and a plug of whiskey. Open-heart surgery was performed with four twigs and a sharpish rock. And anyway, are you a doctor? There's a 99 percent likelihood that you are too dumb to be a doctor. And even if you are a doctor, we bet you never had to birth a child using only a corncob, a beaver pelt, and a bucket of bark dust. Therefore, DR. JOHN McLOUGHLIN WAS SMARTER AND BRAVER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE.
• Dr. McLoughlin was a crazy-looking dude with bright white hair. He was buried alongside his wife outside the McLoughlin House in Oregon City, and there's a rumor that the ghost of a very tall man still haunts the house, creaking down the stairs and stooping under doorways. This is incontrovertible evidence that DEATH CANNOT CONTAIN DR. JOHN McLOUGHLIN AND HE WILL HAUNT YOUR ASS UNTIL THE END OF TIME.