IS IT POSSIBLE TO CELEBRATE Gay Pride Month without some good old-fashioned gay sex? (Uh, does a bear fuck in the woods?) Spider, a self-described "nasty queer" dude who requested a pseudonym because he works for the government (pussy!), offered guys some advice on how to add a few notches to the bedpost.
1. Find a friend who attends the "underwear party"—an infamous invite-only orgy held annually at a private home in Portland. A buffet feast is served downstairs, where the skivvies stay on, while the more adventurous men romp in the nude upstairs. In typical Portland fashion, the soiree draws an "amazing variety" of guys, from hippies to hipsters. And for the horny beasts who exhaust their energy in the sack, they can always refuel at the dinner table. Spider recalls one memorable exchange: "I had just finished having sex with someone, and one of the hosts came in and asked if anyone was downstairs. The other host replied, 'As long as there's ham, boys will still be playing.'"
2. Watch out for Craigslist frauds. Spider regularly posts in the "men seeking men" section to arrange quickies. (One of his ads reads: "How many loads can I eat today? Help me find out!") But he occasionally encounters fellows who want to swap pics with no intention of hooking up. His "Spidey sense" tingles whenever he receives familiar-looking photos clearly swiped from a porn site—or when it appears to be a computer-generated message. "You totally need to look at the email address they're replying from. If it's gobbledygook, they're totally fake."
3. Bring the "glory" back to glory holes. Our boy Spider sometimes visits the old-school adult video emporiums where strangers can mess around in private booths, but he's been disappointed by the, ahem, meat selection. "It's usually a pretty small dick that comes through the glory hole," he sighs. "If you have a big dick, you can probably find someone to suck it without going to a glory hole." Which just goes to prove what the queens have been saying all along: "It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the size of the ship."