BEST PLACE TO CHEAT ON YOUR LOVER
Chinese Village Restaurant and Lounge, 520 SE 82nd, 253-7545

Okay, here's the problem with cheating: You can never find a damn place to do it. I mean, what are you gonna do? The bar across the street is populated with fellow big-mouthed gossips, and anywhere else you're bound to run into pesky Significant Others. Well, check out the Chinese Village! Here we have your classic tiki bar, full of glossy, black plastic, secretively shy, sexy booths, and barkeeps that will bark, "Go back to your seat until the waitress comes over!" This bar is an island in a sea of dives, an oasis for the refugee of 82nd shopping, and a great, GREAT place to get some covert booty.

BEST PLACE TO DUMP A BEER ON YOUR FRIEND'S HEAD
Tired Feet Tavern, 8431 SE 82nd, 774-2278

PM almost chose not to write about the Tired Feet Tavern, considering our love affair with hunky bartender Alfonzo recently ended violently with a bowl of Spaghetti O's in the face (his, not ours). But, we've decided to be the bigger person and forgive the past (in hopes that TF will change their minds and purchase some ads). Anyhew, PM has to give it to TF that they certainly have a nice, juicy, bulbous pair of virtual reality truck racing games. Friends can compete against each other on side-by-side machines, and your opponent is conveniently nearby if you'd, say, like to dump a beer on them, or give 'em a good hard punch. Careful though, the TF does not allow bikes indoors, and strictly enforces this rule. PM saw a 20-something hot body try to sneak in a BMX--and we won't even tell you what happened.

BEST PLACE TO DRINK BEER OUT OF A BEERCOZY
Winning Hand Tavern, 5913 82nd

Everybody has a regular bar; the place you can go alone and not feel like a huge, friendless loser. The Winning Hand is that place for a lot of adorable old crusties who live near 82nd. They chill at the bar (all with beers in foam Budweiser holders), watch Nascar, and swap stories about Hal's latest G.I. Joe purchase. PM was extremely smitten with this little dive, especially after a kooky local paid for a half rack of juke box songs and sold us mood rings (2 for $5, what a deal!). PM did make the mistake, however, of almost prostituting themselves by playing a bunch of suggestive songs on the juke, including "Like a Virgin," and "Drive" (you know, "who's gonna drive you home tonight"). Thankfully, the crusties couldn't have cared less, and some actually left the bar to accommodate our furious dancing.