House partIES rule. No snobby bartenders, no $7 cocktails, no curfew. Just a keg of No Style beer, 100 of your favorite strangers and the thumping of your buddy's stereo. Perfect. But thenÉ FUCK!É the MAN shows up at your door to revoke your right to party! Was it the puke-fest on the front lawn? The horny drunk ne'er-do-wells screwing in the neighbor's bushes? Or is it a Katz-spiracy to drain the home-spun fun out of this town by shutting down any gathering bigger than a quilting bee? DudeÉ you gotta know your rights! DudeÉ you gotta FIGHT for your RIGHT to party. DudeÉ you have toÉ

Cooperate?

In this Patriot Act-infected world, cooperation is key when dealing with party-crashing cops. According to Mayoral Candidate and former lawyer Phil Busse, the first thing to remember is to be cordial. If you 'cop' an attitude right away, things can slide downhill quickly. If your party is out of control, take responsibility and meet the coppers out front. Ask them what the specific complaint is, then ask what they believe would be a suitable solution (like turning the music down). And remember, just like vampires, cops are not allowed inside unless you invite them--so sayeth the 4th Amendment. However, they may enter if they have probable cause or a warrant, so make sure your guests aren't doing bong hits on the front porch with 17-year-old girls. If fun, illegal activities are going on outside, it will lead police to believe they're also going on inside.

There's a common notion that the police are driving around looking for parties to break up, but according to Portland Police Officer Henry Groepper, that is simply not true. He says the police have no interest in quelling peoples' fun. According to him, police only approach parties when there is a complaint, usually from a neighbor. Unless, of course, visibly intoxicated people are "laying in the street," because then your party guests are entering the public sphere. He sees the police's role as that of mediator between the complainant and the partiers. His advice is to cooperate with the police, turn down the music, and ask the rowdy revelers to take it back inside.

Lastly, don't be a dumbass and allow your drunk friends to drive home. SeriouslyÉ not only can they accidentally kill someone, but you may be liable for letting them leave your party drunk. So avoid the wrath of liability lawsuits, citations, or hateful neighbors, and do a little pre-planning before opening your doors to the mob. This will give you more time to enjoy the fun aspects of your party--like cleaning the puke out of your bushes.