Hey, jackass who stole my coat and favorite hat from a Hawthorne bar on Christmas Eve: I'm sure you know stealing is wrong. This isn't Les Miserables, and if you have starving children at home, I'm sure they're not crying out for the nourishment of peacoats and cabbie hats. I had that cap for over twelve years and a lot of sentimental attachment. You wouldn't even be able to sell them for another two days when the local shops open again, you jerk.

So don't feel good about yourself for leaving my keys behind with a napkin note saying to call a phone number that turned out to be disconnected. You weren't doing me a favor or mitigating the fact that you took something that didn't belong to you. You're still a bad person for stealing, and all you did was make a bad situation weird and creepy.