Portland, you sad sack of shit. Get out of your adolescence, stop trying to be so edgy and stop pretending like the problems in your life aren't about how awful you are. Wearing the same spikes as you did when you were 16 (20 years ago) does not make you a rebel. It makes you a throw back, the same as someone wearing stonewashed jeans with a leftover obsession with Jordan Knight. You like like a middle aged man wearing his letterman jacket.

We get it. Once upon a time you thought you were a badass. But the longer you do it, the older you are, the more you have to show on the outside you're a badass, the more we know you're just a sad little man with nothing else to do.

And honestly, where the fuck are the rest of you hanging out? Every day it's some weird rant about people that I didn't even know existed. People with hygiene problems? Stupid and immature men? Angry smokers? Constantly hung over? Weird jobs with ninja in the title? Where are these people? Because my social group and job aren't even close to being that fucking lame.

There's something wrong with you. Yes. You. Not everyone else. It's all about you. Even fucking Blair Warner could tell you that. Time to move on! Or, you know, you could remain stuck forever like laughable little men in edgy outfits. Up to you.