Did you watch last night's Hallooooooweeeeeen episode of American Horror Story, appropriately titled "Tricks and Treats"? Good thing I no longer have any emotions, or it would have totally scared the crap into my pants! Let's chitty-chat about it after the jump, okay? SPOILERS AHOY!

Just like a prayer! (Whooaa!) Youre love will take me there! (Whooaa!)
  • Courtesy FX
  • "Just like a prayer! (Whooaa!) You're love will take me there! (Whooaa!)"

So here's what I'm thinking...

1) Remember the sex-crazed modern lovebirds from last week? Remember how Bloody Face ripped Adam Levine's arm off? (Yeah... good times!) Well, BF picks up where he left off by chasing the previously horny Theresa around the abandoned Briarcliff House o' Nuts, and then rips Adam Levine to shreds. (Looks like it's back to The Voice for you, my friend. SAD TROMBONE SOUUUUUNNNND.)

2) Oh, and this was unfortunate, just when Lana Lesbian's girlfriend had decided to un-betray her and get her out of Briarcliff, she's unceremoniously murdered in the shower. (I'm pretty sure the Republicans were behind that.)

3) Meanwhile, back at Briarcliff, Sister Jude and Dr. Arden decide to keep Lana Lesbian around for the long haul by electro-shocking the memories (and lesbianism) out of her. I think that only half worked... she seemed to remember everything, but forgot to get horny over her naked pal Grace during the bathtub scene!

4) Lana asks Grace (who should be naked all the time, if you ask me) to help her plot an escape—but only if Bloody Tate Face doesn't get to come along. (Apparently they electro-shocked away her manners, as well.) When he decides to come along anyway, Lana narcs them out, and gets to choose the cane that Sister Jude whips their naked bottoms with! Happy, happy day!

5) Meanwhile... Zachary Quinto! Rrrawrr! Rrrawrr! Hubba, hubba! Pant! Pant! Ah-OOOOH-GAH!! (That is all.)

6) Creepy Doc Arden thanks innocent Sister Mary for feeding his monsters dead baby fetuses while he was gone by letting her have a bite of his caramel apple. Nothing metaphorical about that, no sireebob!

7) Oh! And a new patient comes to Briarcliff—a chronic MASTURBATOR!! (Who also speaks in weird voices, and eats the entrails of live horses... but still! MASTURBATOR!!) Obviously this is a job for an exorcist, who does a pretty shitty job if you ask me. Whatever possesses the boy hops out when he dies, and hops in to the body of Sister Mary—who now is gonna be eating more than just caramel apples, if you ask me! (I have no idea what I mean by that.)

8) What else? Ah, there's also the creepy dinner date where Doc Arden hires a Sister Mary look-a-like prosty. Naturally, it's the worst dinner date ever because Doc Arden is an insufferable windbag who likes cutting up meat a little too much, if you know what I mean. (And I do know what I mean by that... HE'S BLOOOODY FAAAAACE!!! I think.)

9) Chloe Sevigny may be the worst actress in the world. (That is all.)

10) OKAY! So again, I'm not quite as pulled into season two as I was in season one—but you have to admit, they've really upped the gore and camp factor. And the naked bottom factor as well! WHAT DID YOU THINK? Put your thinky-thoughts in the comments, and I'll see you next week for some more naked bottom chitty-chatting!

Would you like to try my Nazi experiments? Wait... did I say Nazi experiments? I meant pot roast.
  • Courtesy FX
  • "Would you like to try my Nazi experiments? Wait... did I say 'Nazi experiments'? I meant 'pot roast.'"