BREAKFAST is an asshole. Every morning, it's all like: "EAT ME! I am soooooo important. If you don't eat me you'll be cranky and miserable to be around all day, and if you skip me more than once your metabolism will screech to a halt and you'll be drowning in your own neck fat by the end of the week." Plus, no other meal is limited to such a boring range of food options. I can have pork chops for lunch or soup for dinner, but I can't have Chinese food for breakfast without feeling like the token quirky roommate in the poorly rated hipster sitcom that is my life. (And I am not the quirky roommate. Sarah is the quirky roommate.)

Not only are breakfast's options limited, they're limited to the worst kinds of food. All of it is the same color, because breakfast is kind of a racist, and most of it seems like a thinly veiled excuse for adults to eat kids' food. Waffles, French toast, flapjacks—you're eating cake for breakfast. Oatmeal is yucky pudding. Cereal is for children, straight up. I am not going to pick a fight with bacon or ham—because I would lose that fight, ladies and gentlemen—but what's wrong with a nice piece of fish, or some chicken that doesn't have "'n waffles" attached? And then there are eggs, which are apparently SUCH a staple of the Portland diet that every other household requires the presence of actual chickens in order ensure a sufficient supply. I am not going to take this opportunity to launch into my extremely hilarious and popular-at-parties tirade about how chickens are not pets, so please don't ask me to feign pet-level remorse when a raccoon helps himself to the snack you've so thoughtfully imprisoned for him in an escape-proof death-hutch in the backyard. Instead, I will simply note that I'm not sure why everyone is so keen on a food that smells like ghost farts.

Friends, I like having brunch with you, I really do. I like day-drinking, and I like hanging out with nothing to do, and I like walking the dangerous tightrope between one more cup of coffee, and raging anxiety attack. But can't we do all of that while eating something just a little bit better? Like anything other than breakfast?