THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA Jesus, some cut-rate hobbits, Stubbles McGlowerton.

BECAUSE NO ONE ASKED for it... here it is! The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the third film in the flaccid franchise, is filled with B-grade pirates, sea monsters, and Pirates of the Caribbean's CG. In fact, Dawn Treader is exactly like slowly cruising through a low-rent Disney attraction while watching the real-life actors/automatons barely stay on script, desperately trying to remember they're talking to a huge CG rat with a sword.

For siblings Lucy and Edmund Pevensie's third trip to Narnia, they're sucked into a painting depicting a ship on the open sea. A band of very clean pirates and the occasional bull in a loincloth have joined together on King Caspian's (Ben Barnes) ship for an epic sword-finding journey... or... something.... It doesn't matter, as it's all a bland mélange of hunting for lost swords, candy-colored action that's even more treacly than Turkish delight, Christian allegory, and the great lion Aslan pawing at an ocean beach like the world is his litterbox. Between Aslan's annoying platitudes and a ridiculous ship that looks like a floating gumdrop, this one seals the deal: No more trips to Narnia for me. I'm too old for this shit.

SLAY Film Fest
In person at the Clinton St. Theater 10/29 & 10/30