THINK LIKE A MAN The token white guy always dies first.

THIS IS THE MOST comically misguided, delusional, sexist, and offensive romantic comedy ever conceived. Jesus Christ. Where to begin.

Okay. The title: Think Like a Man. This is a romantic comedy. Women go to romantic comedies. The title of this film tells women we're doing something wrong, and to be more like men. The title. The very first thing.

Next, we have the tagline: "Let the mind games begin." Yes, this romantic comedy is based on the premise that women are manipulative and relationships are battles, and as you'll recall from the title, we're in the wrong. Now don't you want to Netflix this movie for a girls' weekend where you sip chardonnay and tell each other how shitty you are at life and how men know better about everything? Oh, what's that? You'd rather burn the whole fucking system down to the ground? Yeah. Me too.

Chris Brown is in this movie. Yeah, that Chris Brown. A man who beats women is paid to appear onscreen for laughs because that's how much disdain the writers of this pile of dogshit have for our gender.

I can't even with this. This movie, which will serve as an example of Hollywood misogyny in women's studies classes for years to come, is based on a relationship book by Steve Harvey, a comedian on his third marriage. Harvey appears throughout the film as himself, dishing out hot garbage while seemingly intelligent female characters nod along, going, "Yes, yes, we should lower our standards! I love not getting what I want."

I don't have enough space to write out all of the rage-filled notes I took at the screening, so here's just one more: There is a scene where a man approaches a beautiful woman at a bar, and when she tries to blow him off, he goes off about how she's let herself go, and then she not only comes around and gives him her number, BUT ALSO THANKS HIM FOR HIS HONESTY. Now let's take a break to bang our heads against the wall.

I went to the screening with my husband, who said afterward, "I don't know, there were some funny parts." My eyes narrowed and my vagina clenched up then transformed into a bloodthirsty chainsaw and now we're in a fight.