Matt Furie

IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY, which can be difficult for single people. (Who are only alone because something is wrong with them. WHAT? I'm right. You know I'm right. Think of all your single friends, and name two who aren't that way because of a deep, twisted, untreatable inner flaw. Yikes.)

But even for those of us who are happily coupled—and don't hate—there are expectations forced upon us that this has to be the most romantic, multi-orgasmic holiday of the year, right after Arbor Day or when a new dispensary opens down the block.

That pressure is a huge stressor. But we all know one of the greatest tools for dealing with stress, right? Right? (Answer: It's cannabis. Weed. C'mon, people, look alive here.)

There are some great cannabis products to make your Kama Sutra workouts all the sexier. So many products that I was a bit overwhelmed this week. Maybe we can get into those at some point in the future.

For now, let's examine some not-so-great cannabis-infused sex games and ideas for incorporating everyone's favorite plant into your love life. For many of you, bringing Mary Jane into your bedroom is as close to a threeway as you are ever going to get. And it can go horribly awry, as I'll show you.

(1) Let's start with something mildly PG-13, because my mom reads this column. You like massages, right? And you've probably heard of marijuana massages, in which a licensed massage therapist uses a cannabis-infused massage oil while performing bodywork. Sure, that sounds nice, but let's dial it up a notch. Have you ever had an iced bongwater massage? I really hope you haven't. Start with a tall bong filled with ice water. No, taller than that. Think the five-foot duct-taped Graffix you had during those seven years of college. Quickly smoke a quarter ounce with it, and then pour the contents of the bong onto your partner's back. Once the screaming subsides (sexy screaming, I might add), rub the icy, disgusting water into their skin for an exfoliation that just won't quit, even when they beg for it to stop. Just like drinking bongwater gets you high, rubbing it on your skin does the same thing. I think. Probably. Plus, it fills the room with a sexy musk. Call it Fifty Shades of Graywater.

(2) Sometimes couples who've been with each other for a long time get bored. One solution is to spice it up with roleplay, creating new personas for the bedroom. So why not try cannabis-themed roleplay? Maybe you play a dispensary owner and your partner is the stern Oregon Liquor Control Commission inspector, upon whose favor your license rests. What would you do to get that license? What about an unconditional license? Huh? I bet it involves high fees and bending over. Or maybe a retro Prohibition-era game, where one of you is a hapless thrill seeker and the other is a shady black-market weed dealer. That sack of buds isn't the only thing that's immature and wet!

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(3) Dab Jobs—Take a walk on the wild side when you combine two fun things to put in your mouth. The blowjob reaches a new level of excitement when you mix it with a dab rig and a blowtorch! The giver can balance the rig on the top of the receiver's thighs. Grab the torch and crank up the flame. Get the nail cherry red, and set up a lima-bean-sized dab for the giver. As soon as they finish the hit, they start in with the blowjob, while the other person sets up another dab. Just be careful, because in case it has escaped your attention, you have just heated up a titanium nail to red-hot levels and precariously balanced it on top of your upper thighs, mere inches from your sexual organs. Ever had a skin graft on your gonads? Is that a scar you want to explain to future lovers?

The Mercury's lawyers are nervously checking on liability issues. So don't say I didn't warn you. And have a great Valentine's Day, everybody!