Kelsey Wroten

NOW THAT ADULT-USE SALES are going strong, many of you will venture into a cannabis dispensary for the first time. Good for you! We are lucky to have a ton of well-run shops filled with fantastic flowers and knowledgeable staff. It's pretty dope. (See what I did there?) But there are varying levels of quality in all things, and that holds true for dispensaries and the people who staff them, too. So do your research before you go, or risk ending up with an experience like this—a composite of experiences I've had at several cannabis establishments:


Hey man, hola! Thanks for coming in today! Blessings to you, bro, and welcome! My name is Tom-Tom, and let me just check you in... oh hold on, I need to update my Facebook page reeeeeeal quick... I just shot some sick fucking footage of me doing a live resin dab through this ri-donk-ulous new piece, and I gotta upload this stuff for my homies...

Sorry that took so long. Now, let's get you checked in. Is this your first time in? What? You come in three times a week? Really? Oh yeah, I remember you, man! You're that dude! How's it going? Crucial! Is this your first time in?

Oh yeah, right! Hey, man, it looks like our computer is down right now, so I can't check you in. There are some six-month-old issues of free weed magazines you can read while you wait. Shouldn't be too much longer.

[Twenty-five minutes later]

Hey, man, thanks for being so patient. So, turns out I just needed to turn the computer back on! That's such a Tom-Tom move, bro! You can go on back, and Special Ed can get you hooked up.

[Enters inner sanctuary]

What's up, man? I'm Special Ed. You buying some weed and shit? That's awesome, man. That's FUCKING AWESOME. Let's get you set up.

I think what you need is a quarter of this über-premium private reserve. Black label stuff, from this rare cut of Nigerian Congo Haze that tastes like God's tears and bananas. It tested at 65 percent THC... wait... either that or 16 percent. I don't normally show people this stuff. I need needle-nose pliers to pull the buds apart, bro, that's how sticky they are! Seriously. Needle-nose pliers, brah!

Oh damn, sorry, we be all out of that. Bummer. That stuff was fine, broheim! But whatever's clever, right? I do have some of this stuff from last year... or maybe it was 2013. Anyway, it's not trimmed too close. Actually, not at all. Wow! Looks like the bush of a 1978 Playmate, amirite? But you can always just trim it at home. Shouldn't be too hard, this stuff is like parchment paper. Just pull off the leaves like—oh shit that bud totally crumbled into dust! I'm only gonna charge you half price for that one.

Smell that ammonia smell? Like cat piss, right? Yeah. That's good, man, you want that. You know what they say: "Unless your eyes water, don't even bother." Really? You've never heard that? No, that's what people say, I'm pretty sure. The ammonia is what gets you high. I read that in High Times, or on a blog, or something.

The strain? Oh it's OG something, or... Blue OG, or maybe Blue Crush. No, wait... that's a movie. The label fell off our jar, so, it's all good! Mystery strain! Weed is weed, right? It might be a sativa. Or an indica. Maybe a hybrid? It's probably one of those three for sure, though. It's either really good for cleaning the house or taking a really long nap. It's definitely gonna get you stoned, though. Unless it's CBGB, that stuff doesn't get you high.

How was it grown? By Jah, brah. Jah grows everything. One love! What? Oh, right. Um, I think in soil. Might be hydro. Organic? Well, I mean, what does that even mean anymore, you know? Like, Monsanto and shit? GTFOs? My roommate knows the brother of the guy who grows it, and he's got dreads, so it's probably organic. I mean, that's my best guess, because, like, no one really knows, right? It's not like you can test for that shit.

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Hey, thanks for coming in, man, let me get you a pre-roll. It's made up of the trim from hemp. Yeah, it's the next big thing. I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it, I think we're the only ones hip to the idea. It's got this really earthy, ropey taste, kinda like a sail.

Smell you later!