CANNA CLAUS, Marijuanakkah, Chronicwanzaa—however you choose to observe, it's the holidaze! Right now! And you need to buy gifts! Lots of them, and hurry! No—more than that, ya cheapskate! And look, the good ones are nearly gone! Wait! Can't you get that for $10 less by buying it online? But oh no! What about supporting local businesses?! Don't you care about small business owners, you selfish dick? And don't forget, this will show people exactly how many dollars' worth you love them, so don't fuck it up.

Okay. Take a deep breath, perhaps one that has cannabis vapor in it. There's already enough to get stressed out about this holiday season, so let's take a moment to chill out a bit and determine what might be a nice gift—without needing to resort to selling your plasma.

This is a gift guide, yes, but that doesn't mean the only way to enjoy the holidays is to buy people things. It may sound clichéd, but the people who love you want to spend time with you, and that doesn't require a purchase of any kind. With all that's happening in our world, especially lately, please remember that it is people, not things, that are crucial, this and every season.

Or, you could start with some (duh) cannabis. Provided the recipient is 21 or older, why not gift them a quarter ounce of their favorite flower, or a selection of different strains? A potpourri, if you will. (They just come to me from the heavens, people. I am but a mere conduit.) Oregon is chock-full of amazing growers, and I haven't yet tried one-tenth of what's available in dispensaries. So while this isn't a complete list, I feel secure in recommending anything from these fine farms: Eco Firma, Chalice, Green Bodhi, 7 Points Oregon, Lucid OG, HiFi, or TJ's Organic Provisions. They all do great work, and again, so do tons of other farms, both indoor and outdoor. A collection of sativa, indica, hybrid, and CBD strains allow for a variety of effects, and you can even find strains that work for specific times of day or help with various ailments.

One could vape those purchases, or you could go majorly analog and roll up a joint (or five) to put under the tree. In which case, you'll want a paper that is thin, and burns clean. For me, that means a package of Elements or RAW papers.

"But bro," you say, fussing with your man bun. "I only do dabs, not flower. What about me?" Yes, what about you indeed? Put down the torch and gather around, because promotional Santa Claus arrived early at my house this year, and he brought a new device for concentrate-loving, hairstyle-challenged imbibers just like you. The Boost eRig comes from the fine folks at Dr. Dabber (, makers of various portable dab pens and fancy attachments. The Boost is a battery-powered handheld "e-rig," with a titanium dome-less nail, along with a glass water filtration system on top. They claim you can get up to 60 uses per battery charge, but I got too blazed to keep track, and frankly no one needs 60 dabs in a row. This retails for $199.95, which is less than the cost of a skin graft to fix your blowtorched fingers, playa.

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Or maybe you are one of them far-left "reading" types, who enjoys seeing more than 140 characters strung together. (Whatever, Poindexter!) Consider these two tomes: Jack Herer: The Definitive Collection ($59.95) is a beautiful box set that includes an updated 12th edition of the game-changing book The Emperor Wears No Clothes, a DVD about Jack, and a guide to assessing your smokeables. Before Jack Herer was a cannabis strain, he was a man who did more to raise awareness about hemp and cannabis than most anyone. Alternatively, grab the newly released The Medicinal Power of Cannabis by John Hicks, M.D. ($16.99). This was my favorite cannabis-related book of the year, even with its 57 pages of footnotes. The author has done an impressive job making the case that the root cause of most illnesses is inflammation, and that CBD can be used to stop that inflammation and thus heal the problem.

Finally, give yourself the gift of staying upright, and mind your edible consumption this season. Canna-cookies and other treats are wonderful, but it only takes one too many to become the "creature that wasn't stirring," save for moaning that you're so high you're "going to die."