IDENTITY THIEF Pictured above: A thing that is neither Arrested Development nor Bridesmaids.

DO YOU THINK "Sandy" is a lady name?

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Does it make you laugh to think of a man being named Sandy?

Do you like it when two people are thrown together by circumstances beyond their control, and they learn a little bit about each other—and themselves? Do you think having sex with Melissa McCarthy would probably be pretty gross? Are you afraid of someone stealing your credit cards? Do you secretly fantasize about stealing someone else's credit cards? Are you kinda interested in plot and character development, but really more about cars flipping over? Do you rely on a movie's music to tell you how to feel?

If you answered yes to more than one of the above questions, you're one lucky asshole—you probably have a lot of fun at the movies.

If you answered no... hi buddy! Don't go see Identity Thief. I know you're kinda interested because Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) is in it, and she's so damn funny and good, and you're probably still harboring some Arrested Development-based affection for Jason Bateman, even though he's done literally nothing since then to justify your ongoing interest. But just... don't even worry about it.

One thing that's interesting about Identity Thief—this is a talking point you could use at a party with people who answered a lot of yeses to paragraphs one and two, if you feel like picking a fight or being mean or whatever—is how sneaky the fat jokes are in this movie. Melissa McCarthy is a large actress who's perfectly comfortable turning her physicality into a punchline. There are no fat jokes in Identity Thief, though, because that'd be mean, and we like Melissa McCarthy. It's just... it'd be really funny to have sex with her, right? It'd be like having sex with a hungry snorty animal, or Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, or some damp quicksand, wouldn't it? You'd probably just disappear into her Bermuda Triangle (actual joke from the movie). But not, like... because she's fat. She's really beautiful, actually. Mostly on the inside, and a little on the outside, too, but not so beautiful that you'd want to have sex with her. Because ew, right?

Identity Thief is boring, formulaic, and it reduces a great actress' sexuality to a punchline. But it was directed by the guy who did Horrible Bosses, so what'd you expect?