Boobs, Bumpers, and B-boys

What do bikini contests, import car drag races, and breakdancing competitions have in common? They're all going down at the Import Motion Summer Jam.

This car show is sure to give your impotent grandpa a huge old-person boner. We're talking 300 tricked-out sports compacts, and the auto enthusiasts who love them competing in Drag Races and other show-car categories.

It's all going to happen against a backdrop of exciting entertainment, including a Dance Team Competition, an MC and B-Boy Breakdancing Battle, and a H-O-T Bikini Contest.

But don't you dare leave the kids at home! The show will also feature a Radio Controlled Car Racetrack. For those of you with teenagers, why waste money on driver's ed? The Summer Jam has over 40 car racing classes. In fact, your teens can learn from professional "Drifters" how to take turns at over 180 miles per hour!

Of course, you could spend your Saturday at the art museum or the library, like a big pussy. Or you could be a man and head out to the Summer Jam I. Hint: A real man would make the right decision. STEVE LANNING

Portland International Raceway, I-5 North from Portland to Exit 306 B, Saturday, July 26, Noon to 7:00 pm, $15

Metallica: Then and Now

Nowadays the members of Metallica travel on four separate tour buses because they can't stand each other. They support the RIAA and believe their fans should have to pay to download their music, and they play on huge radio-band hype tours in order to line their bulging pockets with more hundred dollar bills. They are sellouts in the truest sense and I wish they would retain what's left of their dignity and GO AWAY. But they won't, so fans are left to revel in the olden days, listening to Kill 'Em All and Master of Puppets and never purchasing any albums minted after 1991.

Tonight, experience the dichotomy between the two Metallicas (young and old) by watching their new studio documentary St. Anger, followed by their 1987 tribute to deceased bassist Cliff Burton, Cliff 'Em All. Neither have ever been shown on the big screen in Portland, and both will offer you new perspective on one of your favorite bands; whether that perspective be damning or dazzling. Plus, viewing both Metallica movies is completely FREE and there's nothing James Hetfield can do about it. Take that, you sniveling bastard! KATIE SHIMER

Thursday July 24, Hollywood Theater, NE 41st & Sandy, 8 pm SHARP, Free

Wet Devils

Earlier this year, after nearly five decades of thrilling spectators, Cyprus Garden in Florida announced they were shutting down their famous water ski show. Apparently tourists preferred automated rides at the nearby amusement park to the water-borne daredevils.

But fortunately for the Portland area, our hometown water ski troupe remains intact. On Saturday and Sunday, the Rose City Water Skiers will host four free shows in West Linn. It is one of their rare public appearances.

The show always starts with a "bomb-out," explains Tami Smith, one of the skiers. (For the uninitiated, this means skiing barefoot and alternatively skiing and spinning on your back--sort of like aquatic breakdancing at 30 miles an hour.) From there, the skiers pull different stunts out from their impressive bag of tricks: Smith brags that the group can build pyramids four people high (yes, while water-skiing) and "round-the-boat," where, if you can imagine, the skier actually outraces the motorboat and whips 360 degrees around it.

Smith also adds that they often jump off a ramp like Evil Kneviel hopping over Hell's Canyon.

"I think our ramp is fixed," said a mostly confident Smith. "We're going to try it." PHIL BUSSE

Willamette Park (West Linn), 10th Street Exit (Exit #6) from I-205, Saturday at 2 pm, 5 pm, Sunday at noon, 2 pm, free

Not Sketchy Comedy

With acts like Hoskins & Breen and the madcap 3rd Floor, Portland has been nurturing a steadily improving sketch comedy movement. Now Blue Door Productions, the business end of the 3rd Floor, is trying to take the scene to a new level of quality and recognition with The Best of the Best Sketch Fest, Portland's first national sketch comedy festival.

Over just two days, EIGHT different sketch troupes from around the country are set to rattle your giggle box. Nationally renowned acts from such comedic hotbeds as Chicago (The Cupid Players), San Francisco (Kasper Hauser), and Seattle (Flaming Box of Stuff), will perform alongside your favorite hometown heroes. A $40 festival pass gets you into every show (a mere five bucks per act), and includes a Friday midnight screening of local comedic shorts, and the culminating "Scramble Bamble!" which features experimental sketchery. Hosting it all will be NRK's excessively lovely Daria O'Neil. JUSTIN W. SANDERS

Artists Repertory Theatre, 1516 SW Alder St, Friday 8 pm, Saturday 7 pm, with acts on both nights going well through midnight, $7 for tix to individual shows; call 258-1681 for the full schedule and info