FOR THE UNINITIATED: The annual HUMP! festival is a chance for regular folks to try their hand at the porn industry, making amateur sex films that are shown only during the festival (where security is we-will-break-your-phone tight!). After this weekend of screenings, the films are DESTROYED, so that these sexy local actors can go back to their jobs and lives without repercussion.
However... it's also so much more. When you fling open the doors to invite every possible sexual persuasion to express themselves (well, no kids, poop, or animals, because... humanity), you've got a real spectrum of sexuality on your hands (here, have a tissue). Straight, queer, fetish, um, animation—all are presented alongside each other to an audience with equally diverse proclivities. Hets watching queers, queers watching hets, fire fetishists watching pee fetishists, tree fetishists watching teddy bear fetishists—you get the idea. When was the last time you saw that happen?
On a serious note, HUMP! is good for your health. It's good for society. We all know it's an imperfect world, one still plagued by prejudice and hatred. If hatred is begat by fear, and fear begat by ignorance, then HUMP!'s demystifying properties make it a legitimate opportunity to partake in progressive culture, and maybe even learn something about your fellow humans.
Besides, it's fucking fun. Here's what you can expect:
The Legend of Gabe Harding
The hilariously blowjobby story of one man who earned fame and respect among his peers in the pornography industry for his unparalleled ability to fluff any flagging penis back to life.
You've all been to this kind of hipster house party: There's a bong, a bunch of hot twentysomethings with nose rings drinking cheap beer, and a couple of young women multitasking cunnilingus and joint smoking on the upstairs toilet.
One of the entries that exemplifies this year's unofficial "sex in the woods" theme, this flick features a couple with acrobatic levels of skill and courage in the bondage and suspension department. Hope that tree branch is sturdy!
This film stars Columbia University's marching band (yes, really), and without giving too much away, let's say that two of its members wind up making beautiful music together... but not how you'd probably expect.
Beautiful, diverse women, poetic camerawork, perfect skin, nudity, light sweat, playful slapping, and excellent accessory styling—it's hard to imagine anyone who couldn't find something to like about this little slice of all-women erotica.
This... is difficult to explain. It's animated, and there are rabbits (animals are okay if they're only same-species fucking), and then... things get a little bit weird. Bonus: You might learn something about rabbit anatomy.
Tran Am: Laid Over
In one of the most stylish films of the festival, extremely well-put-together cross-dressing flight attendants have their way with a very handsome pilot after knocking back a few cocktails in the hotel courtyard.
Maybe Me Time
A woman masturbates alone, and as her fantasies develop, hands appear, then other women, and at least one man, until the scene becomes a full-on bisexual orgy. This one gets the award for "Most Epic O-Face."
In this professional-grade short film, a naked BBW performs original slam poetry about... wait, can you guess by the title?
Japanese Catholic Lesbian School Girls in Love
The title of this animated flick pretty much says it all, but look out for a tentacular twist toward the end (with apologies to Hillary Clinton*).
Imagine what it would look like if classic tales like "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" were reenacted by... you know, the other kind of bears. The kind with erections.
There are a lot of films outside of the hetero-normative norm at HUMP!, and "fuck yes" to that—but there's nothing wrong with a little bit of classic attractive-girl-on-attractive-guy action. These two are shooting for pro-levels!
Fun with Fire
It wouldn't be HUMP! if there weren't at least one film that made you squirm a little bit, and unless mixing highly flammable flash cotton with bare-naked flesh is your thing, this might be the one!
Porn All the Time
A little comic relief in the form of an amateur rapper telling it like it is about how he uses his free time. Bonus for performing it in socks and track pants, which is a really good porn-watching outfit.
An artful, somewhat disturbing gender-queer romp involving broken Victorian dolls, a bathtub full of wine, and pee. You can take it!
This is precisely what would happen if your genitals dedicated themselves to classical music.
Raiders of the Lost Arse
A hilarious and super dirty cartoon spoofing everyone's favorite film about a certain dashing "obtainer of rare antiquities."
Some Motherfucking Amature Porno
This one's really soup-to-nuts—actually, soup is one of the few things that doesn't get fucked in this non sequitur of a film. (I'm keeping nuts in because they come from trees, and a tree does get fucked.)
A dystopian nightmare in which Big Brother dictates the rampant sexuality of the populace and love is forbidden. Disobeyers have to do it with a guy wearing a rat costume head, or something.
You might think you know how to have a good time, but if it doesn't involve shooting buttplugs out of your ass to knock down bowling pins, I sincerely doubt you're having as much fun as you could be.
Two hot gay dudes, zero talking, and an awesome soundtrack. This is a self-reflexive story told in reverse, and I'm not even talking positions.
*We like to give people the opportunity to prove that their film was made just for HUMP! by dictating "extra credit" items that you can include in your film as a wink to the festival. This year those were bowling pins, buttplugs, and Hillary Clinton. Sorry.