Rick Altergott
Often, I find myself in the position of being the only sober person at a party. This is due in part to the fact I keep company with a bevy of alcoholic drug addicts, and my moral standards are maintained at an apex far superior to theirs. Mostly, however, it's because I'm usually the designated driver. The reason I'm usually the designated driver is because I have perfected the role of party teetotaler.

It's easy to keep from drinking and smoking and drug using at parties if you keep one thing in mind: by staying sober, you'll be able to collect dirt on every single person around you, because if there's one thing drunk people like to do, it's gossip. Using this knowledge as stronghold for your sobriety, here are five ways to keep from morphing into a wastoid next time you're kicking it at a Cool PDX Party:

Dance yr ass off. It is incredibly difficult to hold a drink, smoke a cigarette, or sniff rails of cocaine off your boyfriend's penis if you're simultaneously trying to unveil your new choreography. Holding objects such as drugs or beer cans on the dancefloor throws off your locus of control, making you seem far less graceful than you actually are--and, by extension, making you a less desirable dance partner. (FYI: "dancefloor prowess = sexual prowess" is one of the few universal truths of the human conundrum.) And if it's a tossup between getting wasted and getting freaky, I think we all know which one is more exciting.

Chew Gum. It sounds simple, and yet it is not. If you become addicted to a certain flavor of bubble gum (watermelon), your oral fixation is curbed. If you chew it long enough, you'll become a connoisseur, and any other flavor (beer, smoke) that taints its delicate subtleties will anger you.

Get a Yeast Infection. When your crotch has been invaded with active yeast cultures, the absolute last thing you want to do is promote yeasty propagation through the consumption of beer--unless, of course, the beer is made of yogurt, and is ingested by rubbing it into your vagina.

Pretend you're drunk. Sure, sure, it's a little junior high. But it's sort of funny, if you're really obnoxious about it. Make sure you say, "I'm so fucking wasted" every three minutes.

Cut off your hands. Since production of the beer helmet was curtailed in the latter half of the '80s, it has been increasingly difficult to consume intoxicants without the use of two hands. Thus, a surefire way to resist inebriates is to simply cut them off. It worked for me.