WELL, 2014 is over, and though January 1 is just another day in a seemingly ceaseless march of days, the installed meaning gives us a reason to—nay, beckons us to take pause and reflect. Time slips past us, friend, and so too do our lives. If we let them... and woe, we too often let them... the faces, friends, foes, family, and feelings blur. They are scenery passing by the passenger-side window as we complete another arduous task. We rip meaning from all things to inoculate ourselves from the doldrums, but the side effect is a numbness to the very things that make life a privilege, even in light of the repetition of pain, and worse, the constant uncertainty of the threat of more pain. And so, dear reader, we take this moment to reflect on the passing of time, and our own mortality with A BUNCH OF SICK FUCKING LISTS! YEAH! Y'ALL LIKE LISTS? FUCK YEAH, YOU DO. IF YOU DON'T LIKE LISTS TRADE THIS NEWSPAPER FOR A BOWLING BALL AND DROP IT ON YOUR OWN FOOT, YOU FUCKING DORK. HERE'S SOME RAD SHIT FROM 2014 THAT I FOUND ESPECIALLY CHOICE.


Best President:

1) Barack Obama, Here

2) Serzh Sargsyan, Armenia

3) The dangerous precedent I set by continuing to binge drink in my 30s, Everywhere

4) Jacob Zuma, South Africa

5) Laura Chinchilla, Costa Rica

Stuff that my dad liked this year that you wouldn't expect a 59-year-old man from Brooklyn to like:

1) Making kombucha

2) Cave diving

3) Literally every Call of Duty game

4) My little sister

5) Beaverton

Words I wish I had heard E-40 say this year:

1) Boisterous

2) Conglomerate

3) Zimbabwe

4) Wallaby

5) You're my best friend, come hang out in Vallejo with me this weekend.

Top things I did in my car when my stereo stopped working for that week:

1) Improvised songs about how much I hate people who drive white BMWs.

2) Refreshed Twitter.

3) Said the word "conglomerate" in an E-40 voice.

4) Repeated the name "Josh" until it lost all meaning.

5) Meowed Christmas songs.

Popular names for stepmoms who were also occupational therapists:

1) Deborah

2) Debbie

3) Karen

4) Deb

5) Arantxa Sánchez Vicario @IanKarmel