THE BRIDGETOWN COMEDY FESTIVAL is this weekend, you dum-dums. Hopefully you're already planning on going, and if that's the case PEACE BE UPON YOU (PBUY). If you aren't planning on going it better be for one of two reasons:

1. You do not live in Portland and it's unreasonable for you to travel there, plus Donald has been so distant lately and it feels like it just isn't a great time for you to leave Phoenix.

2. A WOLF IS DEVOURING YOU. DEATH IS CERTAIN. EVERYTHING FEELS SO HOT AND SO COLD. WITH YOUR LAST SPASM OF EXISTENCE YOU READ THIS COLUMN.

REALLYDOE, Bridgetown is an amazing comedy festival, Portland is a lovely comedy city—go out to the fucking festival. Come see me do stand-up comedy! Remember? Remember when you used to come see me do stand-up comedy? Before that wolf started eating people? Look, even if you don't want to come see me (BECAUSE OF MASSIVE HEAD TRAUMA OR YOU'RE JEALOUS OF MY SHOE GAME), you should still go see some shows, 'cuz there are some real treasures. Here are my recommendations for the weekend:

The Tinkle Twins—Look, I don't like the name either. It sounds like a nickname your fucking boss would give you and a coworker because you happened to be in the bathroom together twice in one week six years ago. HOWEVER, the hosts of this show are bonkers—Dana Gould is a massive comedic talent who can go from machete to X-Acto knife and back in a single joke, and Arden Myrin is a laser beam of excellence and good vibes. Plus Andy Kindler is on the program, and if you haven't seen Andy Kindler, well, I weep for you. I weep for you every night. I lose maybe 45 minutes of sleep every night weeping. Norse Hall, 111 NE 11th, Sat 8 pm, $25

Kill Rock Stars Presents—Kurt Braunohler is a titan of the silliness industry, Kyle Kinane is an elite rescue team pulling beauty and hope from the rubble of the world's eternally slouching failures, Kill Rock Stars gives a fuck about comedy—plus there are so many Ks! Also (me) Ian Karmel is on this show! One more K! Look, Amy Miller, Steven Wilber, Nathan Brannon, Elicia Sanchez, and Anthony Lopez may not have Ks in their names, but these locals represent exactly why Portland remains such a beautiful place to be a comedy fan. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, Fri 11 pm, $20

Roustabout—Figure out a way to be there. Norse Hall, 111 NE 11th, Fri 10 pm, $25