Ryan Alexander-Tanner

SUPER BOWL week is here, Portland! Feed your succulents nacho cheese! Ironically tweet, "I hope the sports-ball team wins the shove game!" from your indie-as-fuck iPhone! Crash your bike as fast you can into a wall over and over again, and then deny the long-term effects of concussions! It's the Super Bowl, baby! AKA the Big Game, AKA Father Super Bowl the Nourisher, AKA Leslie, AKA the Ranch Dressing Holocaust, AKA the Tallest Tree of Commerce, AKA the Friggin', AKA the Super Bowl.

Now, you can enjoy "The Season Finale of Damages of the Sports World" however you like, but for me, the best part is gambling. I don't even mean your standard type of gambling (which team will win, will the combined score be higher or lower than a predetermined number, will I barf all over the place if I eat another hotdog)—I mean the weird stuff, the atypical stuff. I mean prop bets.

Prop bets are fun little side bets you can make that are mostly tangential to the outcome of the game. In Las Vegas, you can bet on things like the color of the Gatorade of the winning team, how long the national anthem will last, and will there be an earthquake during the game (true).

Now, you may already know all of this, but what you probably don't know is that I'll be taking some action on the game as well. Here's a list of prop bets only available from me, Ian Karmel. To get ahold of me to place the bet (or for any reason!), just feed yourself to a shark. I'll be in there.

★ Number of times your uncle will say, "Oh. Hell yes!" when someone gets absolutely smashed in the nuts during a commercial for Doritos or whatever: Over/Under 10.5

★ The amount of time your awful coworker, Lazlo, will spend complaining about Coldplay playing the halftime show, even though much better bands exist... like, how sick would it be if Deer Tick just went up there and made all those CEOs and Republican vampires just shit their pants? Shut up Lazlo, you're 40 years old. You're 40 fucking years old. It's okay for people to like different things. Except for your beard. Nobody likes your beard. Shave your beard: Over/Under 15 minutes

★ Which movie will the winning quarterback cite as the primary motivation for going out there and giving it his all: The Danish Girl, Carol, or Anomalisa. Look, it's going to be Anomalisa or it's definitely Anomalisa—why is this even a bet?

★ What color Gatorade will Portland Mercury columnist Ian Karmel be drinking during the game: blue; yellow; green; red; blood, BLOOD, BLOOOOOOD; or orange?

★ How many times, on average, will each player apologize after tackling someone on the other team: Over/Under 20

★ How great was this column?: So Great or Hella