IT'S HARD TO DESCRIBE the kind of torture that Tooth Fairy inflicts. It's slow and suffocating. It's like being dragged too far below sea level without having time to acclimate to the increased pressure on your brain. Its victims don't bleed, they bruise. And as the movie's tagline suggests, "The tooth hurts."

Cliché isn't a strong enough word to describe the predictable plot, in which several half-assed clichés mutate into a strain of super-cliché. (Don't ever give up + do it your own way + ya gotta believe = "You can't score if you don't take a shot!"). Dwayne "Stop Calling Me the Rock" Johnson plays a washed-up hockey player nicknamed "the Tooth Fairy"—when he's not living out the twilight of his disappointing career, he's trying to get his girlfriend's (Ashley Judd) son (Chase Ellison) to like him. Plus, because his dreams have been dashed, he gets sick pleasure out of spoiling the dreams of small children—he tells one young fan that he'll never be a professional hockey player, and almost tells another that there's no tooth fairy.

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If only that were true, because then the Rock receives a summons from the "Department of Dissemination of Disbelief" for "first degree murder of fantasy," and then he becomes a tooth fairy. Somehow Billy Crystal and Julie Andrews are involved. Then the Rock wears a tutu.

Dwayne Johnson: You can drop "The Rock" from your name all you want, but that doesn't make you any less of a colossal, expression-illiterate lump of typecasting. Billy Crystal: You provided the one authentic bout of laughter in this entire not-good enough-for-the-ABC-Family-channel debacle. I forgive you. Julie Andrews: Why, why, WHY!?

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