FAST FIVE Passionate makeout in five, four, three, two....

FAST FIVE starts with a jailbreak (except the jail is a bus tearing down a desert highway!) and ends with a bank heist (except the money being stolen is inside a giant safe that's being dragged by two cars through downtown Rio at like 80 miles per hour!). In between, there are 16 excellent things.

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1) The Rock being badass and growling, "Make sure you got your funderwear on!", "Am I right? Course I am!", and "Stay the fuck out of my way."

2) Vin Diesel being badass and mumbling, "Family is important!" and "I love you guys!" (The Rock has most of the good lines in this one.)

3) Muscle cars, sports cars, tank cars, and a bus with moon buggy wheels

4) Tyrese Gibson noting, "This just went from mission impossible... to mission in-freakin'-sanity!"

5) A helpful robot

6) Exploding toilets

7) Vin Diesel's Ocean's 11-type crew of ne'er-do-wells, except unlike Ocean's 11, you're not really sure who any of them are, but they were probably in previous Fast and the Furious movies

8) The Rock's crew of cops who like to wear tight t-shirts

9) A fight scene between Vin Diesel and The Rock that plays out like two dump trucks repeatedly slamming into each other

10) The Rock and Vin Diesel realizing they hate the same son of a bitch; shortly thereafter, The Rock telling Vin Diesel, "I'll ride with you, Toretto. At least until we kill that son of a bitch."

11) Some very pretty ladies

12) Some very pretty ladies wearing hardly any clothes

13) Paul "Superfluous" Walker

14) A boring second act full of bullshit about how important family is

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15) An excellent third act that makes you forget all about that second act, because it more or less consists entirely of an absolutely fantastic car chase through downtown Rio in which about 90 percent of Rio is demolished

16) Vin Diesel and The Rock's thundering majesty

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In person at the Clinton St. Theater 10/29 & 10/30