ONE OF EVERY THREE films now made in the United States stars some stupid vampire, but there aren't many mummy movies! Weird, right? There used to be tons of them!

The Mummy (1932)

This Boris Karloff classic ("Karlassic") still holds up, thanks to a punchy 70-minute runtime, killer makeup by Jack Pierce, and an awesome performance by Karloff. But! Karloff's only a mummy for like two minutes! The rest of the time he's the bandage-free, incredibly polite "Imhotep," a stoic geezer who murders everyone who prevents him from getting laid. Universal followed it with a bunch of sequels, but none starred Karloff and thus are not worth your time.

The Mummy (1959)

Inspired by Universal's success, British horror factory Hammer Film Productions cranked out mummy movies from 1959 to 1971. While the first one has both Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing, it's no Karlassic.

The Mummy (1999)

Back when Brendan Fraser was in things, he headlined Stephen Sommers' The Mummy reboot, a drudge of blurry CG, clumsy comedy, and the talented and beautiful Rachel Weisz! Likely due to Ms. Weisz, a bunch of idiot teenagers (me) paid to see it, thus causing The Mummy Returns (2001) and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), which featured Jet Li and yetis. Universal tried for more monster reboots with The Wolfman (2010) and Sommers' Van Helsing (2004), the latter of which I saw drunk at the Laurelhurst four times.

The Monster Squad (1987)

Like everything and everyone from your childhood, this film will only disappoint you should you revisit it.

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

In which a still-alive Elvis (Bruce Campbell) and a still-alive-and-also-black JFK (Ossie Davis) team up to fight a mummy that's haunting their Texas retirement home! Bubba Ho-Tep makes every other movie look like a piece of shit.

Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955)

Here are some other monsters Abbott and Costello know: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! The Invisible Man! And Boris Karloff, thanks to 1949's Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff! I like the last one best because even though Karloff plays a character ("Swami Talpur"), the title makes it sound like he was a real-life murderer. MAYBE HE WAS???

Movies that could be improved with the inclusion of one or more mummies: Rain Man, Howards End, A Beautiful Mind, Scenes from a Marriage, Cast Away, The King's Speech, The Big Chill, Backdraft, Look Who's Talking Now, My Girl, Legends of the Fall, Drive, Spring Breakers, Out of Africa.