All the performances in A.I. are up to snuff (especially Jude Law as a cybernetic gigolo who serves as David's spirit guide of sorts), but Spielberg outdoes himself by taking us on an exhausting journey of a world that teeters on the brink of logic, sci-fi, and fairy tale. It's as if some futuristic scientist took Spielberg and Kubrick's brains out of their formaldehyde-drenched jars and shmooshed them together to create a film that strives to be nihilistic as well as kinda cute. While long enough to become boring, A.I. can still be chalked up as a success for Spielberg, who has managed to put aside the cotton candy for a moment. WSH Avalon, Bagdad Theater, Laurelhurst Theater, Mission Theater

America's Sweethearts
I just have some questions: Isn't Billy Crystal famous for having a razor-sharp wit? Why then, does his script for this latest Hollywood schlock-fest resort to the lowest levels of comedy, including a man getting hit in the head with a golf ball, and another man getting his balls licked by a doberman? And why is uber-celebrity Julia Roberts cast in the role of the Ugly Duckling? Why has Catherine Zeta-Jones played a despicable bitch in every movie she's been in? Type-cast, perhaps...? Why are bad movies that make fun of movies still getting made when the genre is as stale as old bread? And why, for God's sake, is John Cusak in this bad, bad movie? Why are tender doves aflight invariably brought back to Earth, burned down by the fires of capitalist whorishness? Why, why, why? (Justin Sanders) Washington Square Center

American Pie 2
The original American Pie was a surprise not because it was good, exactly, but because it wasn't as screamingly awful as you assumed it had to be. The story--knowingly based on the Porky's school of blatant vulgarity blended with dewy comings of age (recall the climactic moment, in which the greaser bully tells his abusive dad, "If being a man means being what you are I'd rather be queer!" Nice...)--of a bunch of modern teens trying to pop their cherries before graduating high school managed to sneak a few poignant observations about friendship in among the poo jokes, and offered a number of actually funny lines. This sequel seems destined to try and have it both ways again, milking the gratuitous nudity for adolescent boners and repeating variations on the famous jokes of part one, while waxing nostalgic about growing up and so forth. 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

An Evening with Bill Plympton
Political cartoonist and animator Bill Plympton shoots the shit and shows some of his award winning shorts, including Eat, The Exciting Life of a Tree: Surprise Cinema, Helter Shelter, and Mutant Aliens. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

* Apocalypse Now Redux
Now, at long last, we have an officially sanctioned "director's cut" of Apocalypse Now, title appended with the ridiculous "Redux." As is often the case with newly untruncated editions, there's generally a reason this stuff was cut in the first place. That doesn't mean it's worthless or uninteresting, but it does mean that Apocalypse Now isn't necessarily improved by the reinstatement of this footage. Lloyd Cinemas

The myth of the city of Atlantis is super cool, even to a humorless person like myself. The movie, however, is not. A slow-then-fast and extremely contorted plot are to blame, as is the annoying voice of Michael J. Fox. (Katie Shimer) Avalon

Big Belly
Live Improv Theater. Hollywood Theatre

Captain Corelli's Mandolin
Nick Cage stars as a war-time hero on a Greek island, and...I'm sorry but what is UP with that accent?!? City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Koin Center, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Westgate

The Closet
An accountant at a condom factory realizes he's about to be fired. Divorced, alienated from his 17-year-old son, he contemplates suicide, but is instead given some rather odd advice from his neighbor, a retired psychiatrist: Announce that you are gay at work, and the powers that be will be too frightened to fire you, lest they get slapped with a nasty lawsuit. The accountant takes his neighbor's advice, and, well, hilarity ensues. Or, if not hilarity, at least a few laughs here and there. Actually, how well you like The Closet may in fact depend on just how high Three's Company ranked on your laugh-o-meter. If the answer is 10, then by all means, rush out and see it. If, on the other hand, the number is five (or four, or three), you might want to stay home. (Bradley Steinbacher) Koin Center

Curse of the Jade Scorpion
Curse of the Jade Scorpion isn't nearly as entertaining as it wants to be. Allen plays his usual riff on his 60-year-old neurotic, womanizing self, this time as C.W. Briggs, a claims investigator for a large insurance agency. We quickly learn that Briggs is feeling especially neurotic because his agency has hired an efficiency expert named Ms. Fitzgerald (Helen Hunt), who has been making changes around the office that don't mesh with Briggs' old-fashioned style. The two hate each other, and many less than funny insults are exchanged between them throughout the movie. City Center 12, Fox Tower 10

* Dark Side of Dr. Seuss
Racist WWII propaganda films written by Dr. Suess (what a dick), and racist advertisments drawn by Dr. Suess (double dick), backed up by extemely comprehensive narration. Clinton Street Theatre

* The Deep End
Though it comes dressed in the icy blue clothes of a suspense thriller, The Deep End is a far more interesting creature. Using its intricate plot as shrewd camouflage, the film serves as an examination of the evolving relationship between a lonely mother and her gifted teenage son, whose sexuality (homo) is such an impenetrable subject that Mom (the ineffable Tilda Swinton) would rather navigate a murder cover-up, blackmail, and death threats than talk to the lad directly. (Sean Nelson) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Cinemas, Moreland Theater, Tigard Cinemas

Full Metal Jacket
Tribute to the late Stanley Kubrick, part one. Based on the novel by Gustav Hasford, Full Metal Jacket studies the dehumanizing effects of war, from boot camp to battlefield. Laurelhurst Theater

* Ghost World
Fans of Daniel Clowes' epochal comic novel about the listless inner teen life have been awaiting this adaptation by Crumb director Terry Zwigoff for years now, and the film delivers, though not in the direct way you might have anticipated. Clowes' super-detached geek queens Enid (Thora Birch) and Rebecca (Scarlett Johansson) have graduated from high school, and, bored, they answer a personals ad placed by über-dork vinyl junkie Seymour (an R. Crumb surrogate played brilliantly by Steve Buscemi) responds. As an experiment, Enid decides to educate Seymour in the ways of love, and her world begins to crumble. (Sean Nelson) Fox Tower 10

Glass House
Ruby Baker gets delt a serious shit sandwich when her parents die and she goes to live with some family friends that turn out to be raving psychos. Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas

Although Steve Buscemi would have made this version of Black News Bears particularly poignant, news flash: Keanu Reeves can actually act! Although he doesn't sustain the edgy character of a hard-on-his-luck gambling loser in every scene, he does manage a rather heart-tugging job as the coach for a little league team of foul mouthed (but, of course, delightfully loveable) housing project babies. In spite of an awkward, abrupt, and predictable ending, like the main character, the movie has some redeemable qualities--a believable underdog baseball team, thumping rap soundtrack, and stylized ebonics. 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

* Hedwig and the Angry Inch
John Cameron Mitchell wrote, directed, and starred in this Rocky Horror-cum-Velvet Goldmine-esque opus about a big-haired megalomaniac singing his/her way across the US. With 40-plus costume changes and songs that you will be singing for days, this is pure rock and roll candy which should be see on a big screen with big audio. Fox Tower 10

Il Posto
Remember Office Space? If you found it hysterical and relevant, than see this film. A young man applies for a position at a large firm and encounters the daily injustice of corporate slavery. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

A country singer leaves behind his wife and kid to go on tour, hitting a bunch of bleak little western towns. Were they trying to make a country song into a movie? Something tells me yes. Hollywood Theatre

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Kevin Smith is the cinematic equivalent to the Comic Book Store Guy on The Simpsons (or vice versa). He's managed to take his own particular brand of juvenile, dick-and-fart humor (mixed with a dose of ironic self-awareness and a dollop of grandiose delusions) and become an actual auteur of sorts. His movies never look like much, and they're not consistently funny, but when they hit the spot they're goddamn hilarious. This latest (and reportedly last) entry in the Jersey-based Jay and Bob mythos finds our pot-dealing, Quick Stop-loitering, Laurel-and-Hardy-esque duo on a trip across the continent to stop a movie based on the comic book based on their (fictional) selves. If you haven't seen every other item in the Smith oeuvre, a lot of the humor will seem stupid. If you have, it'll still seem stupid, but it'll also seem humorous. If nothing else, this film probably establishes a new record for mentions of the word "clit" in a feature motion picture. It's the "Scarface" of "clit." Wow. Plus you get a look at Ben Affleck back when he was still drinkin'. (Marc Mohan) 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, St. John's Theater, Washington Square Center, Wilsonville

Jeepers Creepers
A girl and her brother are road tripping home from college when shit... they encounter an indestructible force that desperately wants to chomp them. Unfortunately this is about a girl and her brother, so we can't expect those great scenes where coitus is interrupted by the indestructible force, or ewww, maybe we can. Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

Jin-Roh: The Wolf Brigade
Japan has been conqured by a strict military group that stomps out any resistence. One of the soldiers, however, still may have a heart despite his intense training. He is unable to kill a young rebel, and is severely reprimaned and returned to training. Does this soldier have compassion or is he an instinctive killer? (Katie Shimer) Hollywood Theatre

Jurassic Park 3
Sam Neill returns as Dr. Alan Grant who, along with a hunky assistant, is tricked into returning to dinosaur island to search for the missing son of William H. Macy and Tea Leoni. Cinema 99, Division Street, Kiggins Theater, Movies on TV, Wilsonville

Kiss of the Dragon
Remember when Bridget Fonda actually had a promising career? What did she do to deserve this? Playing a North Dakotan-turned-Parisian hooker, Fonda fulfills the role of tonic to the high-octane Chinese chopsuey acrobat Jet Li. Fonda is, we learn, in the City of Lights trying to kick a heroin habit and longing her orphaned daughter. Jet Li is there dodging grenades and trying to bring down a corrupt police chief who runs a prostitute ring and (for reasons as obscure as an ancient Chinese secret) has killed an Asian diplomat. Would it kill them to hobble together a logical plot? (Phil Busse) Edgefield Powerstation, Kiggins Theater, Mission Theater

* Legally Blonde
In Legally Blonde, Witherspoon plays a Southern California Barbie doll named Elle Woods. When her boyfriend dumps her (she's "not serious enough"), she decides to win him back by attending Harvard Law School, getting in even though her brain operates--with the savantish exception of matters of fashion--at the level of a 10-year-old. Legally Blonde is Witherspoon's show. She's committed and bizarre and fantastic, elevating the film's mediocrity into an enjoyably breezy farce without apparent effort. Her performance is a taunt to her contemporaries. And justifiably: No other actress of her generation could make Elle seem genuine, and none of them could take so much cinematic dross and spin it into silk. The fire of Witherspoon's talents should make them cower in fear. Washington Square Center

Long Live the Lady!
A satire of human behavior, this film shows six catering school graduates working their first gig at a fancy pants castle, for a mysterious rich lady. Through the eyes of one of the six grads we see the preparation for the feast, and then a humorous interpretaion of the high-brow wankers that come to eat it. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Walking out of Made, I tried to conjure the perfect phonetic sound to properly describe it. The winner: "nyeh," as in "whatever." Here is a film that exists for no other reason than to revisit the "magic" between Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, and your admiration for Made may depend on just how brilliant you found Swingers, their first project. If you thought it was great, then by all means go. But, if like me, you found it vastly overrated, only marginally entertaining, and more than occasionally annoying (especially that Vaughn fucker), you'd be better served elsewhere. That said, it's a comedy about the mob, and there are some good moments. (Brad Steinbacher) Cinemagic

* Memento
Memento has a lot of starch in it; the film sticks with you for days as you rehearse it over and over in your mind. It's also a movie so good, you fear a critical backlash against it. You come out of it feeling almost resentful at how good it is, and given that almost everyone is an aspiring filmmaker these days, this resentment is unvarnished jealousy. But this reviewer is pure of spirit, or at least spite: I may have seen a better film so far this year than Memento, but if I have, I've forgotten it. (D.K. Holm) Koin Center

Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Although you've seen the movie enough times to memorize the lines, now they've added new footage as the Arthurian troupe heads up the Mekong Delta in Vietnam and, in a hilarious encounter with the French, heap on the "fart in your general direction" jokes. The horror! The hilarity! Laurelhurst Theater

A film about two topics the Mercury never tires of: sex and drugs. An exploration of the 1960s sex and drug craze that might just give you an acid flashback. A pretty smack head lures a German drifter into her hipster/junkie lifestyle, while Pink Floyd plays back-up. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

Moulin Rouge
You may remember Baz Luhrmann as the director of the absolutely dreamy William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet. Unfortunately, Moulin Rouge does not fare nearly as well. The film is filled with clever contrivances: Dizzying choreography and sets, visual tips of the hat to the early cinematography of Vincent Whitman (A Trip to the Moon, 1914), a script loosely based on the Greek myth of Orpheus, and co-mingling modern songs by Madonna, Elton John, Nat King Cole, and even Nirvana. All extremely clever ideas--however, it's these same contrivances that turn Moulin Rouge into an overwhelming visual mess. Laurelhurst Theater

Calvin Klein supermodel stars in total flop. Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Wilsonville

Never on Sunday
A hooker, Ilys, disses the system and organizes other working girls to do the same. Her struggle is a metaphor for Greece--that it's a country wanting to be known for individuality. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

* O
A modern day, teenage reniactment of Shakespeare's Othello. Starring total dog Julia Stiles and two babes that would never go out with her in real life: Mekhi Phifer and Josh Hartnett. 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Evergreen Parkway, Koin Center, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Tigard Cinemas

Oedipus Rex
A dream-like version of the classic Sophocles play, set in the present. The original story however, is supplemented by a prologue and epilouge. The setting, a fifteenth century adobe city in the Moroccan desert, is visually arousing and the score, which includes Mozart compositions, is killer too. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

Osmosis Jones
The Farrelly Brothers, avatars of le cinema d'ordure, return with this half-animated tale of the biological denizens that dwell inside the comedically abused corpus of one Bill Murray. Chris Rock provides the voice of the cartoon hero, whose job it is to fight disease and, one assumes, navigate the onslaught of fart jokes the script hurls his way. The picture looks to land somewhere between Innerspace and The Incredible Mr. Limpet. Laurelhurst Theater

The Others
A well-executed, gothic, horror film in a Jamesian vein, starring Nicole Kidman as a post-war mom on a tiny British isle desperate not to let the new servants (including the great Fionnula Flanagan) expose her "photosensitive" children to daylight. The claustrophobic tension of the incredible house (the film's only set, and its true star) mounts through the eerie film as the truth, like the characters' lives, unfurls methodically in this truly frightening endeavor from Spanish director Alejandro Amenabar. As an added bonus, the always-gripping Christopher Eccleston (Jude, Elizabeth) has a supporting role. (Sean Nelson) 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Koin Center, Lloyd Cinemas, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

Our Lady of the Assassins
A bedraggled, soul-sick writer proves that you can go home again, but that if your home is murderous Medellin, you better expect some heavy existential catharsis... especially if you have a torrid affair with a young cartel soldier while you're seeking your redemption. See review this issue. Cinema 21

Planet of the Apes
As promised, Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes is upon us and it stinks like feet. If you like spaceships (first 10 minutes) and screeching apes, this film has 'em, but that's about it. Throw in a bland and predictable ending, and you have the most anticipated letdown of the summer. Sounds like a three-pronged blockbuster to me. Century Eastport 16, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center

* The Princess and the Warrior
The second collaboration between director Tom Twyker and the stunningly beautiful German actress Franka Potente. This time around, though, the pair has replaced the frenetic Nintendo plot of Run Lola Run with a carefully paced romance. No, we're not talking about a fawning Julia Roberts running around with her estrogen hanging out, but an eerie and tragic fairytale where castles are replaced by an insane asylum, and Prince Charming by a stoic street punk. Cinemagic

Princess Diaries
An almost-crazy 16-year-old discovers that she's actually a princess in a small European country. ohmigod?! WHAT SHOULD SHE DO? Stay in San Francisco or move to Europe?! Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

* Quadrophenia
Jimmy hates working in the mailing division and loves riding on his scooter with the 'mod' crew. See review this issue. Clinton Street Theatre

Rat Race
A Vegas hotshot starts a race for money, so he can make some his damn self. Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Koin Center, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

Rock Star
Whoa. It'a like a dream come true. Marky Mark is in a cover band, and omigod, then gets to be the singer for the band he's covering. Gawd. I hope that happens to Helles Belles. 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza, Westgate, Wilsonville

Rush Hour 2
Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan reteam as a black cop and a Chinese cop, their racially charged antics infuriate multiculturalists on two continents. This sequel to the occasionally funny original (beware: the trailer offers exactly zero laughs) features the very attractive Zhang Ziyi, from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Avalon, Century Eastport 16, Kiggins Theater, Mt. Hood Theater , Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard-Joy Theater

* The Score
This is a fully functional, if-perfunctory heist film that benefits greatly from its attention to the procedure of safecracking, and breaking and entering, to say nothing of the utterly relaxed brilliance of its three lead actors, Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton, and best of all, Marlon Brando. It feels like these three pros took one look at the script and threw it away, realizing it was derivative trash (DeNiro plays a master thief who agrees to "one last job"--it's kind of like Ronin lite--in cahoots with fence Brando, and young buck Norton), but then realizing they could pull it off with the improvisational ease of a master acting class exercise. Though it's legitimately sad to see Brando (who now makes Sydney Greenstreet look like Kate Moss) as enormous as he is, the comic grace with which he glides through this otherwise inferior work--and again, it's totally watchable and entertaining--makes you remember that he really is the best of all time. (Sean Nelson) Kennedy School Theatre, Laurelhurst Theater

* Sexy Beast
Gal Dove (Ray Winstone) is a retired gangster, living high on a hill in the Costa del Sol, enjoying a lethargic existence. But he is as out of place here as the heart-shaped ceramic tiles on the floor of his pool. Bad news arrives in the shape of Don Logan (Ben Kingsley, so great), there to coax Gal back to England for a job. Gal resists, but Don won't take no for an answer, setting in motion a verbal boxing match so artful and intense, it turns the sprawling Spanish vista into a pressure cooker, in which Gal is forced to reckon for his ill-had comforts. A voice buried deep within Gal tells him--and us--that this can't last. Don is that voice, given brutal, relentless human form. In the fallout of their confrontation lies one of the finest films in recent memory. Century Eastport 16, Fox Tower 10, Lake Twin Cinema

Summer Catch
No, not a story of hot, generation Y fishmongers... this is a baseball movie starring the acharismatic Freddie Prinze Jr. as a minor league pitcher who dreams of the majors while trying to get laid with trashy townies (or richies). Redemption, love, and teenage feel-ups ensue. Hilltop, Movies on TV, Sherwood 10, Vancouver Plaza

The Valley
A woman goes on a psuedo-psychedelic search for a valley in New Guinea called 'obscured by clouds.' The poor woman takes a gosh darn hippie with her. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

Hippie family learns to stop bitching and work together. See review this issue. Fox Tower 10

Tomb Raider
The masturbation fantasy of a billion preteens is made flesh as Angelina Jolie (the masturbation fantasy of a billion post-teens, ahem) gives corporeal dimension to the video game heroine whose outrageous measurements and minimal garment cover do not deter her from running through ancient temples, kicking evil robots in the "face," and blowing a bunch of shit up. Bla-DOW! Bagdad Theater

Two Can Play that Game
Vivica Fox is gonna fix your man problems. "Ladeez, I don't know why mens gotta do the wrong thing and show they ass, but I know hat to do about it: the 10 Day Program!" Settle in for The Rules for black women--with better houses, cars, hair, clothes, and make-up! The power of the ten Day Program is three measly days. Just stretch out that tired seven day plan--and voila! Witchcraft! You'll have to suffer through the "oops, just wrecked the movie" ending, and aside from Velvet Vivica, the female performances are weak. But my lady and her sizzling program victim, Morris Chestnut, along with hilarious friend-apist Anthony Anderson, sort of pull this shit off. Whether it's just that I'm a cracker voyeur, or the super-fine leading men that lull me into a forgiving fog when it comes to Afro RomComs (romantic comedies), I may never know. But I'm not dumb enough to care! Bring it! 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Mall, Westgate